Why are there no crosshairs on this scope?
Yeah, I know, what an imaginitive title. I thought of original ways to say it. "I Don't Carey about his shitty movies" or "He's a pet Dick, but I don't know if he's a dog dick or a cat dick" but they just seemed to suck as well, so I came right out and said it. I really hate almost everything Jim Carey has done in his entire life. Let's look at his career in chronological order.
The earliest chronological movie I ever saw that had Carey in it was called "Once Bitten". To be completely honest with you, I didn't see the whole thing, I saw about 10 minutes of it and decided I couldn't take it anymore. I am pretty sure it was about vampires, although the only way I could imagine Jim Carey interacting with vampires is possibly being killed by them, but that is only in my dreams.
In case any of you were wondering, Dave just told me, and I quote "Jim Carey does not suck. He's a forerunner in the gay community." I say that if he was a forerunner in the gay community, wouldn't that mean he did suck?
The next movie that Carey was in that I witnessed was called "Earth Girls are Easy". This was apparently from the title about how one day Carey got married, because girls would have to be pretty easy to get with someone like that. Alright, I couldn't sit through more than about 10 minutes of this one either. No matter how much I hate something I can always manage to watch it for about 10 minutes. Without that trait, most of this website wouldn't exist.
In Living Color was actually pretty damn funny. Of course that could be because I was like 10 years old, and it was sketch comedy, which i have a natural affinity towards, but I liked it. Carey actually had a pretty funny character, Fire Marshall Bill. I know, I know, I hate him, but he wasn't too bad on this show. You can't beat lighting people on fire for comic effect. He was no Homie the Clown, though, Homie the Clown is an article unto itself.
Next came his movie career, starting with Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. Dammit, this one wasn't that bad either. Carey starred as a freakish pet detective who did some stupid shit like talking out his ass and making out with a transexual. I know at this point this article doesn't seem that anti-Carey at all, but believe me, its coming...
And it's here! After Pet Detective, Carey was in The Mask, which featured a man who magically transformed into a superbeing when he put on a mask. He discovered that when he wears the mask, he loses control of himself and does bad things, but this does not stop him from wearing the mask. NO! THAT WOULD MAKE SENSE! Thankfully, since his character is supposed to be a mild mannered banker in this movie, Carey doesn't make stupid sound effects to go along with whatever he does. I don't really know why, the script doesn't usually affect how he acts, but luckily it did this time.
Next was the aptly named Dumb and Dumber. This movie had Carey Costarring with some other guy who never did any other good movies again (just like Carey). I counted scenes in this movie that amuse me, and I think I came up with like 1, where they sing the song "Mockingbird" in Spanish. Wait Carey fans, this movie features the most honest scene in Carey's acting history, where he makes the most annoying sound in the world, just by opening his mouth. Wow, theres a metaphysical point in there someplace.
Next, Carey was in Batman Forever, as the Riddler. Before this movie, Batman movies didn't suck. To be completely honest with you, I don't think I can blame the entire lack of quality for the remainder of the Batman movie series on Carey's one performance, but I can say this: Before this movie, Batman movies were dark and cool looking, and now they're not. Also, before this movie, I really liked the Riddler. It's amazing the effect bad acting can have on your tastes.
As a side note on Batman Forever, while it sucked, it did have the best witty retort in any Batman movie ever, which I will repeat for you now:Robin: Holy rusted metal, Batman!
Batman: what did you say?
Robin: This metal... It's all rusty.... And... full of holes...Damn, I wish I would've written that.
Also this in 1995, Carey Starred in the sequel to Ace Ventura. It wasn't nearly as good as Ace Ventura, but it also wasn't nearly as bad as most of his movies. Something about bats, and there were a lot of jokes about guano, otherwise known as bat shit.
Liar Liar was next. In this movie, because of a wish of his young son Carey is unable to lie, even little white lies. In fact, according to some scenes in this movie he must apparently volunteer additional information if it is in some way quote "entertaining" or embarassing. So you would expect most of the lines in this movie would be "I suck" or even "I can't act" or quite possibly "I am the thrid coming of the Antichrist", but I don't think a single one of these lines is said.
The Cable Guy also starred Jim Carey, but I didnt see it. It was told to me that it was good, but I refuse to believe it. In it Carey plays what he would be in real life if people didn't keep on insisting on paying him huge sums of money to act in bad films, a cable guy.
The Truman Show was about a guy who lived in a completely fabricated environment and was televised. This movie helped me sleep with my girlfriend. After readng that you would think: "Wow, he should really like Jim Carey." But no, I meant that in the literal sense. We were watching it and we both fell asleep.
Man on the Moon was about the life of Andy Kauffmann, who was actually a funny comedian. This movie won much critical acclaim. Lots of papers said it was great. I guess the 5 or 6 people who watched it must've liked it, too, but I don't know any of them.
Me, Myself, And Irene I didn't see either, but it didn't look that funny. It starred Jim Carey, Jim Carey, and some woman. Having Carey once is bad, but twice must break the very bounds of sucktastitude. Oh, Rocky just told me that he was apparently one of the 4 people who saw Man on the Moon and he says it was good. Go frickin figure. This anti-Carey thing is hard, far too many people I know like him. Even my dad likes him, and I usually agree with him.
Last, I will end this with The Grinch. In the Grinch, Carey apparently expanded an entertaining 30 minute cartoon into a painful 2 hour movie. If Dr Seuss was still alive today, he'd put down his crackpipe and spit at Jim Carey for making this insult to children everywhere. No, I didn't see this one either, but I can make judgements on things that I know nothing about. Actually I do know about this. It has Jim Carey in it, so I can be 100% sure it blows. Also, it was directed by the son from Happy Days, so unless he had Tom Bosley on the scene to tell him when he was screwing up, he screwed it up big time.
Wow, that was a climax free article.
What, you want a clever ending? How about I tell you that this whole time I've been spelling his name wrong.
--Scuba Steve, February 6, 2001