Miss Mutant America. If you look close you can see a chunk of Miss Delaware hanging out of her mouth.
We all remeber back in the day, when Miss America was obviously a beauty contest, with one woman from each state picked to compete, and hosted by one of those big famous celebrities that everybody knows and loves. At least I always heard about it like that when I was a kid. The winner was (of course) supposedly the most attractive woman in America, hence Miss America. Of course, just being picked to go was a huge honor, and you had to be one hot piece of ass just to go. After watching the 2001 Miss America pageant Saturday night, however, I realize that my assumptions were just that, assumptions.
First off, lets start with the numebr of girls. One would assume, that with 50 states in the union there would be 50 girls in the pageant, correct? But no, for the first time, this year they allowed Washington, DC to have an entry. You would think that this means they all compete correct? Nope, in the first two minutes after I switched the show on, they eliminated 31 out of the original 51. Left of note were:
You may notice that I just harshed on Miss Massachusates, and called her a beast. You may be saying to yourself "Scuba is an insensitive bastard, saying that woman is hideously ugly just because he thinks she is. What right does he have to do that?" Well, folks, its a BEAUTY PAGEANT. I admit, I'm as ugly as a member of the Ramones on a bad day, but its okay because I DON'T ENTER BEAUTY PAGEANTS. Let's think about this, if you are a hideous beast from Massachusates, do you (a) avoid television, cameras, and people who can see, or (b) enter a national beauty contest?
I seriously wonder how this harpy managed to get into this contest. Isn't the whole point of only allowing one contestant per state to eliminate people this obscenely ugly? How did she slip through the cracks like this? Were the judges in Massachusates blinded or drugged? The entire state can't be that ugly, I know 2 people from Massachusates who look better than she does, and one of them is a man!
During the show we feared for the lives of other contestants. After all, they were standing next to that ogre, she might at any time decide she hadn't eaten in 5 minutes and devour any of teh contestants. That would be a loss. But then again it would probably bring up the average IQ of whatever state the lucky snackfood bitch was from by at LEAST 20 points.
I know, I seem to be going on for a long time about her ugliness, but why do you think I wrote this article to begin with? To objectively review Miss Americas procedures and then compliment teh winner? What does this look like, a news site? I wrote this damn thing to make fun of that beast from Massachusates and Tony Danza.
Yes, you heard me right, Tony Danza. Why Tony Danza, you ask? What did he do? Hosted the Miss America 2002 pageant. Yes, htats right, they got the washed up star of Taxi and Who's the boss to host Miss America 2002. Now, call me critical, but couldn't the job be better done by ANYONE AT ALL??? And of course, ironically enough, the woman who interviewed the losers to find out their feelings was named Angela. Wow, she just needs a pussy of a son and he needs a manly daughter and it could be a sitcom in the 80's AGAIN! This allowed many of the exchanges between them to bring up horrible horrible repressed memories from when I saw every damned episode of that damned show.
TONY: Angela, how are our contestants?
ANGELA: They're doing good Tony.
TONY: Remember that time you were taking a bath and I walked in just as you were standing up and inexplicably pointing your hideous twisted naked body towards the door while dropping your towel, almost as if you were waiting for me to see you naked? And I was naked too because I was gonna take a bath? And I couldn't hear you inside even though you were being as noisy as hell and it couldn't have possibly been scripted?
ANGELA: DEAR GOD NO! ONLY EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES!!
TONY: AYE-OH, OH-AYE!
HERE is an article written about Tony Danza's hosting abilities, which I will now quote:
"Tony Danza... Sell-out... anyone expecting cutting remarks or true insight... was sorely disappointed."
I love those 3 periods, they make practically anything quoteable.
Anyway, as the night wore on, my roomates decided that even though I had been watching this for a full hour, watching Tommy Boy (which we've now seen seven million and ONE times) was far more important than letting me catch the last half an hour, so I didn't manage to pick up much aboutthe winning people. But just to let you all know, here is a picture of Miss Oregon (later Miss America) being crowned and choking to death. Enjoy.
--Scuba Steve, September 25, 2001