This is what a nerd looks like after it's been stuffed and mounted
Ah, nerds. They're sweet, sugary, and taste so good it's amazing. For those of you that haven't realized it by now, this article is not about the Revenge of the Nerds movie series. If it was written by Dave I could see you thinking that, but not by a manly man like myself. No, today we post about a much better kind of nerd, the kind that will eventually be the cause of my heart attack but for now is the only thing keeping me awake. Yes, we're talking about the ever so tasty Nerds candy.
According to what copyright information I have been able to find (read as: make up), Nerds were first sold as candy in the mid 80's. They caught on becase of their bright color, fruity flavor, and the fact that they were about the sugariest thing you could eat until pixy sticks were invented.
Notice I said that they were first sold as candy in the 80's. In fact, according to many theories, Nerds have been around for quite some time. If you look at any box of Nerds, you will see what the Nerds themselves look like. They are tiny beings with no arms. They enjoy a number of sports and other activities, and ths are obviously sentient beings. And we eat them. We "civilized people" devour sentient beings purely for their sugar content.
And what a sugar content it is. According to nutrition facts on the box of Nerds I am currently eating (drinking in my case), one serving of Nerds is 15g. A serving contains 14g of sugar. I've worked that out mathematically, and it comes out to about 93% sugar. Thank you to whomever came up with the theory that the more sugar in something, the better it will be! You are a genius!
Anyway, since we are dealing with living beings, it may have crossed your mind by now that with overeating, we may one day run short, or *gasp* even out of Nerds. The question is then, how fast do Nerds reproduce. This brings about an interesting point, however, as no one I've talked to really knows how Nerds were produced in the first place. There are many theories on the subject however.
Theory #1: Creationism
This theory states that when God created the Universe at the beginning of time, he also created Nerds, but only a finite number. Nerds, not having genetalia or even a specific gender, cannot then reproduce. This theory also provides that the natural lifespan of a Nerd is almost infinite, since they have at this point survived from the beginning of time and still continue to survive. That is until people eat them and directly destroy God's creation.
This theory loses points sheerly on unbelievability. Firstly, God wouldn't waste precious Creation time on Nerds when he was busy planting the seeds in humans so that eventually I would be born. Secondly, what kind of horrible thing could the Nerds have done to be punished by not being able to do the hibbity-dibbity?
Theory #2: Primative Society
This theory claims that the Nerds were a primitive society that inhabited a small island or island chain. In the early 80's or late 70's when Wonka found them, he tricked a number of them into coming along with him back to America, where he forced them to breed constantly, producng the Nerds we know today. This theory states that Nerds can reproduce. Whenever you have 2 Nerds stuck together, they were in the middle of the act.
Hah, like Nerds could reproduce, or even have the gear. Look at them, for crying out loud, all they have are mouthes and legs. It's a mystery how more are born. In fact the world may never know.
Theory #3: Official Statement from Wonka
"NERDS are manufactured in WONKA's factory where they are reduced from large candy boulders to distinctive, shapes and small size using WONKA's scientifically-engineered WONKA Reduction Device.NERDSŪ are packaged with two flavors in every box, so there's a flavor combination to suit every mood-Grape/Strawberry, Watermelon/Wild Cherry, Double Dipped Apple coated watermelon/Lemonade coated wild cherry, and Neon electroorange/pinktricity! And, NERDS boxes come in lots of sizes, for snack time, for lunch time, for all the time!
You can find NERDSŪ in most stores. Just look for the NERDS license plate logo and the fun, free-spirited NERDS characters in the dual flavor packaging with the purple WONKA logo."
What a load of shit.
What we do know, however, is that crazy freak Wonka knows, but he will never inform the world. Yeah, you heard me, nerds are made by Willy Wonka. Like from the movie. You know which movie, the only one in all of history to have Oompa Loompas in it. I'd like to take a moment to rant about Oompa Loompas for a bit.
Oompa Loompas were communists, and expressed Willy Wonka's true communistic goals. I know, this sounds like a full article about communism, but I'll try to keep it short. They sing their little song and do their little dance, but it's all about sharing, not being greedy, and the like. They try to convert people to their communist lifestyle, by singing that, "you can live in happiness to, like the Oompa Loompas doopity do (doopity do!)" In the movie Wonka admits that he took them from a faraway place, obviously Russia or China, and they are stereotypically strange foreigners, but they do tell everyone to share with others, and a more communist thought has not been thought. Besides, they all live together inside Wonka's factory--aka commune. Think about THAT mr I-don't-think-stuff-is-about-communism man.
Anyway, in closing because I need to go to class, the preparation of Nerds as food is truly one of man's greatest accomplishments in the culinary field, but we will never know exactly how that process works.
At least not until I find that honkey cracker Wonka and pop a cap in his chest.
--Scuba Steve, January 30, 2001