Before I begin to write this, I'd just like to point out that even though it is now 2 days AFTER Halloween, This is still a Halloween Evil Dead-a-thon because I watched the movies on Halloween, and its just taken me a long time to type up actual reviews from the notes I've taken. You might say that makes me a slacker, since its taen me so long to write these things up. Well, let me just say, to increase your confidence, that I took more notes on these movies than I've taken in a class for years, so its not that I'm being lazy, its actually that I'm being very thorough. Yeah, bet that was a surprise.
Now, on to the final chapter in the Evil Dead Trilogy: Army of Darkness.
This movie pretty much starts off just where Evil Dead 2 left off. Ash has been transported back in time to 1300 AD, where he is taken as a slave by "King Arthur" and is going to be killed or something by being dropped into "the pit." Yes, I realize that that is not "just where Evil Dead 2 left off," but I also realize that SHUT UP!!!
Now, the action picks up again when they get to the castle, where Arthur is going ot throw Ash and a bunch of other guys who work for William the Red into "the Pit." Ash is quite taken aback by this, because he doesn't even know Henry the Red. Immediately, Ash meets Henry the Red, and they hit it off, as you can tell from this dialogue:
Henry: I am Henry the Red, Duke of Shale, Lord of the Northlands and leader of its peoples.
Ash: Well hello Mr. Fancy-pants. I got news for you pal, you ain't leadin' but two things right now. Jack and shit... and Jack left town.
Anyway, it appears that at the bottom of this "pit" is a couple zombies and a wall of spikes. Just for show, they throw another guy into the pit before they throw in Ash. In true Raimi style, moments after the first man is thrown into the pit a blood geyser hundreds of feet tall rockets out of the pit. Then Ash is thrown in. At first things look bad for Ash, until his chainsaw arm and shotgun are thrown down the pit by Arthurs wizard, Wiseman John. Then Ash makes it tot eh top of the pit, after killing the zombies (yes I know, killing zombies is rhedundant but I'm reasonably sure you knew what I meant), Ash emerges from the pit and forces Arthur to release Henry and his men, Arthur doesn't like this, and makes that dislike known, to which Ash responds by blowing Arthurs sword away with a shotgun blast and giving the following speech:
Yeah. Alright you primitive screwheads, listen up. See this? This is my boomstick! It's a twelve gauge double barreled Remington, S-Mart's top-of-the-line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel and a hair trigger. That's right. Shop Smart. Shop S-mart. Ya got that?! Now I swear, the next one of you primates, even touches me... Ya! (BOOM) (BOOM) [the booms are Ash shooting a zombie which has crawled out of the pit]
Ash is basically put on a quest at this point to find the Necronomicon, whose magic can send him back to his own time. Before he leaves however, he builds himself a robotic arm in a blacksmith shop, which he says is "Groovy." Using only promative technology, he build a completely working prosthetic arm, which means he must have an advanced degree in robotics. During this part Ash finds a new leading lady, Sheila, who he wins over with the line "Gimme some sugar baby."
Anyway, Ash goes after the book, and is told that when he retrieves the book he must say the words "Klaatu Barada Nikto" (these words are a reference to the 1950s film "The Day the Earth Stood Still" if you care) or something bad will happen. On the way to the graveyard where to book is, Ash runs into trouble in the form of a "cameraman's point of view monster" like in Evil Dead 1 and 2. The monster chases him to where he takes refuge in a windmill.
Inside this windmill is a bit fucked up. Ash smashes a mirror and somehow his tiny reflections from inside each of the shards of the mirror jump out and attack him. They manage to beat him up quite a bit mainly by using slapstick comedy violence, and eventually knock him unconscious. Ash wakes up ot a tiny him who jumps down his own throat. This pisses Ash off royally, so he pours boiling water down his own throat to kill the little fucker. Damn, Ash is hardcore, he drinks boiling fucking water just to spite his enemies. Unluckily for Ash, this causes another Ash to grow out of Ash's shoulder.
This Ash is normal sized and it turns out that he calls himself Evil Ash, because he is original like that. Evil Ash is just like Ash except hes Evil, he has 2 real hands, and he sings and dances just a little bit before Ash blows him away with a shotgun blast and says "Good... bad... I'm the guy with the gun." and then dismembers Evil Ash's body with his incredibly convenient chainsaw arm.
Around now in the story Ash actually gets up off his ass and gets the damned book already. Sadly, he forgets the correct magic words, but since Ash is a smart guy, he comes up with a solution: "Klaatu! Berata! Nn(coughcough). (Ash pauses) Okay then. That's it." Then Ash takes the book, anda large horde of undead thigns start popping out of the ground. Ash manages to esceape, because thats what Ash does, but we the viewers get to see Evil Ash himself rising out of his grave, preparing to take his revenge on good Ash.
Back at the castle Ash demands that Wiseman John uses the Necronomicon to send him back home to the future. All the people feel very betreyed by this because they seem to think that Ash is some mystical hero who will save them from the Deadites, which is what they call the large army of undead creatures that are apparently all around the countryside in medieval times. Sheila seems pretty disappointed that Ash is deserting her, and Ash doesn't help with his wonderful reply of "Oh that's just what we call pillow talk baby, that's all." Before the two of them can talk any more, however, she is kidnapped by a flying demon who takes her back to Evil Ash, where Evil Ash makes her his zombie queen. After seeing this display of Evil Ash's power, the people of the castle are quite frightened and all advocate retreat. Ash, however, has had a change of heart and he talks them all into defending their castle with a motivational speech:
Ash: That's it. Go ahead and run. Run home and cry to mama. Me! I'm through runnin'. I say we stay here and fight it out!
Arthur: Are all men from the future loud mouth braggarts?
Ash: Nope. Just me baby... just me.
Arthur: How will we fight an army of the dead at our castle walls? How will you fight that? More words? Most of our people have already fled! We are but sixty men.
Ash: Then we'll get Henry the Red and his men to fight with us. Now... Who's with me?
With this wondrous speech Ash gaisn the support of the whole castle, and he then begins to ready them for combat. During the time between this scene and the time the army of Deadites attack Ash manages to get a hell of a lot done. He teaches all the men in the castle, who were already warriors mind you, to use the bo staff as a weapon (don't ask me why that is superior to a sword). He builds the worlds first steam engine using only a physics textbook. Hell, he even invents gunpowder in 1300 AD, with the help of a chemistry book from in his car's trunk. Even so, Ash pretty much sums up the castles chance of victory like this: "There's so damn many of them. Maybe... just maybe my boys can stop them from gettin' the book. Yeah, maybe I'm a Chinese jet pilot."
The fighting goes pretty much like expected, with the humans mainly getting trounced by the Deadites, even with righteous warrior like Ash and the surprisingly badass Arthur, who walks around through most of the battle with two arrows and a sword stuck in him and still kickin ass. Of course, Ash has to face off against both Zombie Queen Sheila ("Honey, you got real ugly.") and Evil Ash ("Come to papa.") because hes just the hero. Sheila is easily disposed of but Evil Ash and Ash have quite the long, drawn out fight, which ends when Ash lights Evil Ash on fire and throws him off a parapet.
Quite unexpectedly, Evil Ash doesn't come back... but SUPER EVIL ASH does! Ash just can't beat SUPER EVIL ASH, so SUPER EVIL ASH gets the Necronomicon, but then makes the mistake of standing on the catapulting part of a catapult that also happens to have a lit explosive in it. SUPER EVIL ASH gets the Necronomicon knocked from his hand, and then gets catapulted and explodes in the night sky. With SUPER EVIL ASH disposed of, all the Deadites disappear, and peace is finally made between Arthur and Henry, whose men helped defend the castle. As a side note here, I don't know why, but in all my notes I took I have Henry the Red's name down as William the Red, which makes very little sense to me.
Ash is returned to the future via magic and we pick the plotline up again with Ash at S-Mart telling his fellow employee (played by Ted Raimi, Henrietta from Evil Dead 2 or Joxer from Xena: Warrior Princess if your more familiar with that one) who obviously doesn't believe him the story of his transportation back to the 1300s. A nearby, good looking woman, however, tells him his story is "cute." Just then, a nearby woman turns around and reveals herself to be a zombie. Now, I'm just gonna copy and paste from the script for the remainder of the movie, because I don't think I can fully explain it as well as the dialogue does:
Ash: Lady, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the store.
Zombie: Who the hell are you?
Ash: Name's Ash... (reloads gun)... housewares. (Ash attacks the Possessed Woman)
Zombie: I'll swallow your soul.
Ash: Come get some. (Ash defeats the Possessed Woman)
Ash: (Voice Over) Sure I could've stayed in the past. Could've even been king. But in my own way, I am king.
Ash: Hail to the king baby. (Ash passionately kisses the nearby good looking woman)
This was a damn good movie I must say. It was far more humor and less horror than the previous Evil Dead titles, but it also had some of the best dialogue of any movie ever, I think. The dialogue was so good I included a whole hell of a lot of quotes in my above review.
You know, I think I've learned a lot about myself from this Halloween Evil Dead-a-thon. I've learned that watchign an entire trilogy in a day without missing a class is thoeretically possible. I learned that most of my roommates don't have any respect for good movies. I learned that I hate writing movie reviews because I feel the need to be overly thorough describing every little damn detail. And I learned that I should never EVER try to review three movies in a row EVER AGAIN.
Overall, 125/132.
Series overall: 198/201.
--Scuba Steve, November 4, 2001