Although this may normally be a subject only covered at X-E, a conversation Shinigami and myself had this morning has brought to light a huge conspiracy. And that conspiracy is: Saved By the Bell did nothing to prepare us for life, high school, or college.
This is what high school was like at Bayside High. There are apparently 6 people who go to Bayside. Zack, Slater, Screech, Jesse, Kelly, and Lisa. They comprise every sports team and are the only people who seem to do anything. Mr. Belding, their principal, treats them like his children, for crying out loud. And they all care so much about each other, like that time when Zack arranged for a funeral for Slater's dead chameleon. That almost made me puke. Or the fact that none of them ever dated other people, but then that could be because there were no other people.
There are apparently only 2 places to be in high school. In the hallways of Bayside or at the Max. No one is ever anywhere else. Oh, you may protest, "But I remember seeing the inside of Zack's room once!" Once. That is all. I heard a rumor that there was once an episode that showed Jesse's room, but I've dismissed that as ignorant hearsay. Also, technically there was an episode with a radio station, but that was in the basement of the high school, so you can't really differentiate.
And hey, look, anyone who does drugs or drinks becomes an outcast at Bayside, because nobody likes a pothead. That was great preparation for high school. If you are still living by this SBTB standard, let me break something to you. All the popular people really do drink. All of them. And most of them smoke pot. You may be saying, "But Scuba, you are cool and you don't drink or smoke pot." Well, I can't really explain that one.
Zack had magic powers. He could stop time and talk to us, like he knew we were watching him. Now, I've been to high school, and I know that nobody there could stop time (let me take that back, some teachers seemed to be able to stop time while their classes were going on). If so, people would just stop time and then go copy the answers off of other people's tests. "But Zack had higher moral ideals than that!" you are responding now (I can hear through the computer). Alright, maybe, but what was stopping him from freezing time and running into the women's locker room? I know that wasn't above his moral ideals...
And another thing, Zack, apparently the coolest kid in school, hung out with Screech, the biggest geek in school. What was up with this? I have been in that position (ten points to everybody who thought that I meant that I have been the coolest kid in school) and it never happened. People of these two stations in life are not even allowed by sanction of popularity to speak.
And what about SBTB the College years? Have you seen the size of that dorm room? Thank God that they took that thing off the air before Zack tried to tell us that all college students went to bed at 11 o'clock. But somehow, immediately after College years was cancelled Screech was given a job as Mr. Belding's second in command back at Bayside, without even completing college. Now, it was pretty obvious that Mr. Belding didn't really like Screech, so why did he hire him? It's obvious to everyone who is up on SBTB mythology. The story must be true: The actor who played Screech was in reality the brother of Mike D. from the Beastie Boys. Belding obviously wanted to appeal to the younger generation, who were Beastie Boys fans.
Oh, now that I remember, there were two more characters that appeared a few times, but they weren't very important.
One was a lesbian or something named Tori (I think). I don't really remember her that well, but she must have done something important.
The other was James the Actor. I think he worked at the Max. Whenever the kids needed someone to dress up and impersonate someone (Zack's dad, a guy from Harvard, etc.) they called up James and he did it, and usually failed. The continued to call him up, though.
In all, SBTB was a huge lie about high school, trying to brainwash us. All six of us.
--Scuba Steve, December 6, 2000
--Thanks to Shinigami, for ranting with me.
--If you want to read more about SBTB, go to X-E.