Decimal
by Elmo
Ah yes, by the title of this post, you can guess exactly the extent of mental effort I will be putting forth in it. I will be writing in SSS. I know you're wondering: "Scuba Steve Style?" "Son of Sam Speak?"... But no, SSS is a new term I developed and patented meaning: Sesame Street Speak. Also, the counting may confuse you for some parts, so just remember, there is more than one way to count.
Hewwo evwy buddy! Me name is Ewmo! Me is teeching yous aaall about "decimal counting" because Scuba Steve knows dat I'm too stuuupid to know any otha waaaaay. A-ha-ha-ha!
Fiwst, you need something to coooount! Ewmo wiw count miwyins of dowwas made fwom the sale of his toy, Tickwe Me Ewmo! Make you Mommy and Daddy buy you one todaaaaaaay! A-ha-ha-ha! Awwight, me Ewmo wiw count now:
1 miwyin dowwas, 2 miwyin dowwas, 3 miwyin dowwas, 4 miwyin dowwas, 5 miwyin dowwas, 6 miwyin dowwas, 7 miwyin dowwas, 8 miwyin dowwas, 9 miwyin dowwas, 10 miwyin dowwas! A-ha-ha-ha!
Dose diwty bastawds at da toy company kept da west, because dey'we gweedy sons of bitches!A-ha-ha-ha! And dat's how you count in decimal!
(writer's note: that needed to end. Elmo's voice was hurting the inside of my head. My brain is gonna explode now.)
Ernie: Hi ho everybody. Today me and my buddy Bert are gonna teach you all how to count in hexidecimal. Isn't that right Bert?
Bert: That's right Ernie. But let's get this over with quickly, I need to get some sleep.
Ernie: You've got it Bert. Alright, we'll count guests at a party.
Bert: How will we do that?
Ernie: We'll throw a party, Bert. [partiers start filing in to loud rock music]
Bert: But, I needed sleep and...
Ernie: Here come the guests: 1 guest, 2 guests, 3 guests, 4 guests, 5 guests, 6 guests, 7 guests, 8 guests, 9 guests, a guests, b guests, c guests, d guests, e guests, f guests, 10 guests! We have sixteen, or 10 in hexidecimal, guests here Bert!
Bert: What are we gonna do with 16 party guests?
Ernie: Why, party to the break of dawn, of course.
Bert: You son of a bitch! I WILL KILL YOU!
(writer's note: I couldn't make fun of them for being 2 guys who sleep in the same room. Mainly because I sleep in the same room with a gay guy.)
Scuba Steve: Alright, Oscar's gonna teach us all about Octagonal, the base 8 number system.
Oscar: Fuck off.
Greetings! [lightening!] A-ha-ha.
I am zhe Count! [lightening!] A-ha-ha. As zhe Count! [lightening!] A-ha-ha. I... well.... count [lightening!] A-ha-ha. I vill teach you about count [lightening!] A-ha-ha.-ing in binary. I vill count [lightening!] A-ha-ha.... hits on this website. Eet should be eesy, zhere are so few... [lightening!] A-ha-ha.
1 hit, 10 hits, 11 hits, 100 hits, 101 hits, 110 hits, 111 hits, 1000 hits, 1001 hits, 1010 hits, 1011 hits, 1100 hits, 1101 hits, 1110 hits, 1111 hits, 10000 hits! [lightening!] A-ha-ha. That's sixteen hits! [lightening!] A-ha-ha.
Oh yeah baby, counting really does eet to me, yeah, zat was good...
We certainly learned a lot today boys and girls. We learned that Elmo is a punk loser who's very voice can cause severe emotional damage to the inside of your brain. We learned that Bert is going to kill Ernie with a sack full of doorknobs and bury him in a shallow grave under the railroad tracks. We learned that that cat Oscar is one baaaaaaad motherfucker. We learned that the Count is a sick old fuck who gets his jollies off of counting. And we learned that if you are named after a phallus you don't get a real segment, you just get to do the wrap up at the end of a stupid article.
Today's show was brought to you by the numbers "00101101" and "d16f" and the letter "g" as in "Go sit on a snuffle-upagus!"
--Scuba Steve, February 1, 2001