By this day and age, nearly every single sketch from Saturday Night Live has somehow been transformed into a movie, usually bad. Oh, of course there were exceptions, like Wayne's World, but most of the movies that came from Saturday Night Live just didn’t cut it. Remember Stuart Saves his Family or It's Pat the movie? You don’t? Be glad. They even finally gave Tim Meadows a movie this year with the Ladies Man. In fact, as I write this, I am thanking god that there was never a Tiny Elvis movie, else I would have killed myself long ago.
But this article is not about bad movies that were made. No, this is a piece about the movie that deserved, nay, screamed to be made, from the funniest, most hilarious sketch ever written. Yes, I am writing about the neglected star who has never had a movie: Toonces, the cat who could drive a car.
Toonces was SNL's only cat star, in fact, as I remember it, the only cat star to ever be featured in his own sketch. Here is a bio on Toonces, written by me, one of Toonces' biggest fans.
Name: Toonces
Species: A cat, more specifically one who could drive a car.
Sex: male
Marital status: No, he’s still single ladies.
TV Show of Origin: SNL
Why He Deserves a Bio: Toonces was the only cat ever who could drive a car. Look at him. How can his feet reach the pedals? It’s frigging amazing that he can drive a car.
Special Skills: He could drive a car, just not very well.
Amusement Rating: On a scale of one to ten, I give Toonces a fifteen. To this day, if I see a Toonces sketch, I fall on the ground and laugh my assets off.
Now, we have firmly established that Toonces could drive a car, but to be honest, he could not drive very well. In fact, to be totally honest, his full title is Toonces, the cat who can drive a car, just not very well. In every episode, he manages to drive some type of car off of a cliff. Somehow he survives every time to drive another car. He was a hazard to others, and for that, we should all look up to him.
Don't be too hard on Toonces, though, because he taught us one valuable lesson. No one can say that they don’t remember when Toonces taught us the dangers of drinking and driving. I remember it like it was yesterday. Toonces was at a bar in the countryside with some drunken yokels and proved that not only can he drive a car, but he can also ride a mechanical bull. Anyway, afterwards, he got a little drunk and tried to drive everybody home, and drove off a cliff. To this day, it keeps me from ever drinking and driving.
Anyway, to summarize:
Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive A Car, Just Not Very Well, deserves to be a movie. It would rake in more at the box offices than Titanic, mainly because Toonces is the greatest sketch ever.
Toonces was the greatest cat of all time. Yeah, you heard me you Garfield fans. Could your fat orange cat drive a car? NO! could he drive a lawnmower or ride a mechanical bull? NO! Toonces was a role model for people everywhere, and we should all realize it.
Sadly, there is very little info on Toonces, so this article isn’t longer. He was a full grown cat when he was first featured on SNL in 1988, over 12 years ago, so I am assuming that he is dead now, but he will never be forgotten.
--Scuba Steve, November 19, 2000