White Rap How To

Barry White is not what I mean by white rap, but its the only picture I could find that didn't totally suck.

Even with its recent decline in popularity the the popular, aptly titled "pop" music, rap, or as people who rap call it, hip-hop, is a major force in the musical world, even if its detractors do claim that it isn't really music. If you could follow that sentence, give yourself a gold star for the day. What it meant was that rap is a huge money making force in today's society. That would make this paragraph soem sembleance of a thesis statement, albeit one that runs on for many, many lines wihtout actually saying anything at all.

Ironically, it wasn't the thesis statement at all, but rather is was introduction to the thesis statement, which is this: It's a lot harder to be a white rapper than to be any other kind.

It's true, rap is an African American art. Let's be honest, the Billboard top 100 rap albums reads like a who's who in Ebony magazine. There are a lot of reasons for this:

• African Americans Invented Rap
  Yup, I know it comes as a surprise to those of you who are saying to yourself "I thought Vanilla Ice came up with it all," but if you look back at the pioneers of rap, you will notice that they're all black. Grandmaster Flash was black, Chuck D was black, hell, I think even MC Lite had dark skin. And, lets be honest, white people can blame themselves for this. After all, rap was invented during a period where all the white people in the music industry were either in Journey cover bands or trying to sound like Van Halen.

• White people have no rhythm/soul
  Okay, I can admit, maybe 5 white people alive today have soul, but the extreme majority of us couldn't have soul if we ate soul food for a year. Now, I like to think that I have more soul than you're average joe off of the street, and chances are if you are a fan of this site you probably do as well, but let me tell you, my people have no rhythm. It's not our fault, most people are born without rhythm, hell, most black people don't really have any soul either. Its just that they, for one reason or another, have more of a tendency to be born with soul, and soul must be natural, you can't learn it no matter how many Miles Davis albums you listen to.

• Aliens erased rhythm out of white people
  Aliens erased all soul out of white people in 1914, pavign the way fora black musical revolution. This way, our races would become more equal and whites would accept blacks more, paving the way for our eventual unification as a species and induction into the galactic federation. Sadly, they forgot to return our rhythm, and our current state resulted.

• Most people dislike purely white music
  Blacks and Latinos have pretty much originated every kind of "popular" music for the last hundred years or so. Blacks came up with the blues, jazz, and even rock and roll, even though Buddy Holly was the greatest rocker ever. And everything else was created by Latinos. If you listen to the radio, you can hear it, in practically every every genre excet maybe country. Unless you only listen to MPR.

• White people are scary looking
  Its true, some people mistake us for ghosts.

With this huge magnitude of problems, its amazing any white people at all have ever made it into the rap industry, but it was obvious to those who did that there is a reason why white rappers aren't coming out of the woodwork like slutty jailbait 16 year old white pop singers who sing shitty shitty songs and sell songs using nothing but sex appeal. Somehow, though, every once in a while, a white rapper breaks through. This constantly amazed me until I realized that they all used something to get attention, a hook, and thats relaly what a white rapper needs. I will now illustrate my point, by utilizing another list.

• Vanilla Ice - Ice had a number of tricks ot gain acceptance from fans. First off, he was good looking adn drew in chicks. Secondly, he had a catch phrase, "Word to your mother." Thirdly, he wore really bright, shiny clothes, so you couldn't easily ignore him like you could most white rappers, and some of these clothes had "Word to your mother" written on them. Fourthly, he was almost killed by Marion "Suge" Knight, who is the scariest man in music, ever (except possibly me, but I don't count myself yet). And fifthly, his hit song was basically a sample from a prince song, and thus, by coming up with sampling, he paved the way for Puff Daddy's career.

• Beastie Boys - Simply put, the Beastie Boys get attention by screaming as loud as they can and shaking around like they had too much coffee. Seriously, as a test, watch Dr. Dre perform, and notice how he moves, slow and smooth. Then watch MCA or Ad Rock during a Beastie Boys concert. Its what they do best: scream at teh top of their lungs and jump around violently.

• House of Pain - For those of you that don't remember, the House of Pain was soem hardcore Irish rap. If you remember them you remember just how much they kick ass. I can't really think of anything specific they did to get attention, I just thought it would be a fallacy to write about white rap without mentioning them.

• Eminem - Eminem has a number of ways to get attention. First off, he's funny, or at least funny enough to get people to listen to him. He's also controversial, which again earns him a lot of points, because whatever 14 year olds parents don't want them to listen to, they will. Also, he hangs out with Dr. Dre, who has the innate ability to make anyone famous.

• Limp Bizkit - Credited for starting the rap/rock movement in like 1998 (you know, by doing what Rage Against the Machine has done far far better since 1991) by whining in a rap like manner. Limp Bizkit got attention in 2 ways. First off, they got DJ Lethal, the DJ from the super awesome House of Pain. Second, Fred Durst sucked Carson Daly's cock for TRL airplay, catapulting him into trendyness.

So what have we learned today, kids? 2 things. White people have no rhythm, and if you want to be a white rapper, you need to get attention.

And don't worry all you white rap wannabes out there, worried about the fact that chances are you don't have soul, calm down. It could be worse, you could be Asian.

--Scuba Steve, September 10, 2001