Back in my day we didn't wrestle in "tights," we wore breeches! And we only wrestled Nazis!
Yeah, we all knew I would write about profgessional wrestling at some point, and those of you who know that WWF RAW is on Monday night probably assumed that it would be a Monday night after watching Triple H hit the Undertaker in the face with a chair for the 300th time. What you don't know is that writing this flies completely in the face of the huge list of articles that I should write that are post-it-noted to my monitor, none of which contain a single reference to professional wrestling, unless you count writing about quote "beating the shit out of Tom Green."
Anyway, I've decided that those wrasslers that are around today aren't good enough, and I must cast myself into the throes of professional wrestling [disclaimer: no, I'm not gay]. Its just a matter of time until I am WWF champion, because, as you all know, I am evil incarnate and my middle name is whoop-ass (very daring of me to have a hyphenated middle name, is it not?). My only problem is I can't decide on a gimmick. There's just too many great gimmicks out there that no one is using, I can't decide which one is best. Here's a run down of the top gimmicks (with backgrounds, special moves, et cetera) I can come up with, with the middle name "whoop-ass" removed from them so as to clarify meaning.
Name: Oldie Olson
Background: Born in middle America in the 20's, Oldie Olson is very very old. So old, in fact, that he has lived through 2 World wars, the great depression, and the rise of Disco. Being very old, Oldie knows very many wrestling moves, as well as obscure facts about matches that he claims he was in, but really wasn't. He recently joined the WWF, which he claims he was in during the "good old days," because quote "too many young punks keep tarnishin' the glory we had in the good old days!"
Personality: Every week, Oldie comes down to the ring and forces his grandson to set up a rocking chair for him, and then he starts ranting on about the old days, with stories like the time he beat Hulk Hogan for the Intergalactic Championship belt at Wrestlemania one, or the time he invented the royal rumble. This continues until someone comes down and starts a match with him.
Catch phrase: Damn kids! Get off my property!
Special move: "Old Man Sleeper" - In this infamous move, Oldie puts his opponent in a position they cannot escape and then tells them a story about the depression. This almost always puts the opponent into a deep sleep, allowing Oldie to win the match.
Weapon of choice: Walker wrapped in barbed wire
Minuses for this persona: I'm not really old.
Plusses for this persona: I'm already senile.
Name: McBeatdown Deluxe
Background: McBeatdown Deluxe was formerly a McDonalds employee who was coaxed into professional wrestling by management, who told him that the only way for him to get more than mimimum wage was for him to become a professional wrestler who paints himself up as Ronald McDonald before every match. McBeatdown, or McSellout as the fans call him, is a human advertisement for McDonalds.
Personality: McBeatdown Deluxe is totally sold out, and thus he has no personality whatsoever.
Catch phrase: Do you believe in magic?
Special move: "The Hamburglar" - When the referee is distracted, McBeatdown grabs a McDonalds hamburger from his manager, who is his actual manager from McDonalds, and shoves it into his opponents mouth. Moments later, the victim is unconscious, and after McBeatdown wins the match, the victim gets rushed to the hospital where he gets his stomach pumped.
Weapon of choice: Vat of scalding grease
Minuses for this persona: Fired from McDonalds.
Plusses for this persona: I do really need money.
Name: Pokemonster
Background: Pokemonster was brought up like a normal redneck, until one day he was forced to take his younger brother to see the Pokemon movie. This changed him forever. The Pokemon hypnotized him so now he eats, sleeps, and breathes pokemon. He comes down to the ring dressed as Ash (the main character on the Pokemon TV show, not the star of Evil Dead) with his tag team partners, who are dressed as Bulbasaur, Charmander, and the annoying yellow Pikachu.
Personality: Every thing he says related to Pokemon. He refers to the title belts as "badges," and his opponents as "trainers." He will go on and on for hours about the exact status of Pokemon, quoting Chaney's exact weight or showing off his Pokemon lunch box. Sometimes he gets so carried away that he just starts screaming "Pika, pika pika-chuuuu!"
Catch phrase: Gotta catch em all!
Special move: "Pokeball" - Well, he gets a stick, and pokes his opponent in the balls. Pretty self explanatory, really.
Weapon of choice: Throws ball at unconscious opponent, expecting to be able to use them to fight other wrestlers.
Minuses for this persona: Too little self loathing to ever do this.
Plusses for this persona: Sadly, I know more about Pokemon than I am about to admit.
Name: The \/\/38/\/\4573R (The Webmaster)
Background: The Webmaster attended MIT, and after graduation, he worked as a "web guy" for a company's internet service. After downloading too much porn, however, he became obsessed with grabbing someone, anyone, and pinning them to the ground, usually where he proceeded attempt to have sex with them. Luckily, even the pansiest pansy could easily evade him. He knew his calling however, and took his newfound love of wrestling people to the ground to the WWF.
Personality: Geek, plain and simple. He likes to act incredibly superior to everyone he talks to, because he can use computer lingo that is over their heads. He says "LOL" instead of laughing, and spells his name in 733t 5p33k, because he thinks he's a hax0r.
Catch phrase: Hah, IMO you don't got skillz for IRC IRL! LOL!
Special move: "Typing" - The Webmaster jumps on his opponent, and places his hands over his opponents face, where he starts mock typing, using the most powerful muscles, his carpal tunnel syndrome strengthened fingers.
Weapon of choice: Throws TRS-80 computers [read as: really shitty computers from the early 80s] at his foes.
Minuses for this persona: No one would like him.
Plusses for this persona: I'm already a supergeek.
Name: Ozwald Ozborne
Background: Since birth, Ozwald has listened to Ozzy Osbourne religiously. Ozwald was a huge Ozzy Osbourne fan, so much in fact that he changed his name to be like his idol. He dresses like Ozzy, talks like Ozzy, and even looks like Ozzy because of numerous plastic surguries.
Personality: He talks on and on about dark stuff sometimes. Sometimes he just quotes things that Ozzy said in interviews and such. Sometimes he just talks like he thinks Ozzy would talk. He even sings Ozzy Osbourne songs live in the ring sometimes. He really really likes Ozzy Osbourne.
Catch phrase: I am Iron Man!!!
Special move: "Bite the head off of an opponent" - He sticks the opponent's entire head inside his mouth and bites it off. This move has never, ever worked.
Weapon of choice: guitar to smash
Minuses for this persona: I don't like Ozzy Osbourne that much
Plusses for this persona: I do like to scream "I am Iron Man!"
I came up with more, but they were too similar to wrestlers that already existed. Pimptacular the wrestler who is also a pimp, was too much like the Godfather the wrestler who is also a pimp. Ron Jeremy the wrestler who is also a porn star, was too much like Val Venis the wrestler who is also a porn star. And Faggotron the openly gay wrestler, was too much like Golddust, the ambiguously gay wrestler.
Now, I'm gonna go open a can of whoop ass all over my bed, by sleeping soundly in it for many hours! I AM HARDCORE!!!
--Scuba Steve, April 30, 2001