As you all know, I consider myself somewhat of a "badass." You know, I may not be one of those guys who gets in gangwars and pops caps in people, but I don't consider myself a pansy either. You know, I'm down wit people. I break laws for fun, I steal things that I don't need just because I can. You know, laid back kind of badass.
Thus, it came as a great surprise to me last night at dinner when Shinigami and Dev Nul decided that I was severely not badass. In fact, the general consensus was that I am a wussy. They even said I was a straight edge. Sadly, there is evidence to support this theory, and even sadder is the fact that I'm going to state this evidence so you can judge for yourself.
(1) I don't drink. Not a drop. The Clue drinking game was never tested by me, as tempting as that sounded. I won't even drink with Wendel, though God knows he has tried to convince me. The only beverage I drink purely for the fun of it is Sobe, and that has taste going for it, too. I don't need to get drunk, I am already a messed up mofo.
(2) I don't smoke pot. In fact, I won't even smoke the fake pot that Shinigami and Dev Nul got that is reputedly legal. Again, I don't need to get stoned, I'm screwed up enough with no drugs.
(3) I don't cheat on my girlfrend. I didn't make this one up. They actually told me I was a wuss because I don't cheat on my girl. That doesn't make you a wuss, that makes you a good dependable man. Anyway, my one woman is so good that I don't need any other ones.
(4) I don't like hot sauce. I don't know why this makes someone less manly. I am not the one that finds fault in my badassness, thus I do not make the standards that govern my badassitude. I do like spicy foods, just not hot sauce or hot wings. I think it's a subconscious thing where I don't want any sauce on my hands.
So here I sit at my computer, trying to figure out how I can prove that I am badass. I already steak roadsigns and tresspass. I already commit almost constant internet fraud. I download emlators and keep them for over 25 hours, just to spite the government. What other crimes can I commit? And I have this one, stray thought--"It's hard to be badass during morgue hours."
For those of you that don't go to Mansfield, morgue hours mean that durign finals week there is a 24/7 rule about loud noises from inside rooms. Basically, don't play loud music, don't talk too loud, don't have live jam sessions in your room. It's basically because the administration thinks that there are actually people that study 24/7 the weekend before finals week. Bah. I don't study period, this is just a disruption of noisiness for most of us. However, violation of this rule is a $25 dollar fine and being placed on probation for next sememster.
And then it occurred to me, the easiest way to be badass was to blatantly violate morgue hours. Basically, all I need to do is run up to Butler, get my trumpet and play the wake up call at 3 o'clock in the am tomorrow morning, and then run like hell. We all know that I could get away, I know how the confusing hallways in this building work. This would prove my badassality and would still not be very much work at all.
Go ahead tell me it wasn't a good plan. Sadly, it never came to fruition. Yeah, you guessed it, I wussed out.
--Scuba Steve, December 10, 2000
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