Spring/Summer 2001



The Character
The Actor
Quotables
Monologues
Essays & Thoughts
Stories
Creative
The Editor(Me)
Miscellaneous
 It happened just under four years ago. I was suicidal, depressed, and lost. As I held the sharp edge of the knife to my skin I closed my eyes. I wanted so badly to have the courage to draw it across my skin and end the hurt and pain and failure of my existence. But instead I found myself watching television. There, as I sat trapped in the darkest moment of my life, I heard the words that would both save and change my life:

"I decided tonight that I'm not going to let this thing beat me."

Those words were spoken by the character of Dana Scully on an episode of The X-Files called, Memento Mori. At the time the episode aired it was a re-run and I had never seen an episode of the series before. I did not know that Scully was talking about cancer. Those words echoed through me and brought me to my knees. I dropped the knife and wept. I decided then that I wasn't going to let my pain beat me.

After that day I began to watch The X-Files and study Scully's character. The more I watched, the more I realized the strength and dedication she had. This woman, who has been through so much pain and struggle, far more than I had at the young age of 17, still stood strong and worked every day to overcome her pain no matter what came at her be it aliens, murderers, or cancer. She still knew how to stand up each time she fell. As I watched this character grow, I too began to grow in confidence and strength.

In the summer of 1998, just after my highschool graduation, I heard the next words that would change my life and thinking:

"If I quit now, they win."

When I flunked out of my first year of University and had to write a letter of appeal to the faculty and staff of that school, I heard those words repeat over and over in my head. I may have made a mistake, several in fact, but "if I quit now, they win." If I were to quit, where would it get me aside from the very same place I was when I started? As a result of my appeal letter, I was allowed to return to the University. In the following two years I made my first short film, won 3 poetry contests, began working as a copy-editor, editorial writer, and review writer for two online magazines, and brought my gpa from a 0.9 to a 3.0! I may not be an academic genious, but I am strong now and I know my place. I know now that my dreams and goals are indeed possible and that the pain I went through as a child and teen has only made my stronger.

I strongly believe that it was due to the words of Dana Scully and the strength of her character, that I am where I am today. Today, I still watch the show, but I also pay attention to what Gillian Anderson is doing. She inspires me often more than her character does with her charity work and her own personal battles which she overcomes each day.

But of everything I have learned and experienced in the past four years, the most important lesson is this: Be Yourself...whoever that may be. Love yourself, love others, and reach for your dreams no matter what it takes. Then your life shall be a life worth living. You will go through pain, it's unavoidable. What matters is that you keep standing up...no matter how many times you fall.

I thank you, with all my heart, for visiting this site and for allowing me to share my story with you. I hope that you can know the truth that comes from knowing and believing in yourself. Remember, if Scully can do it, so can you! :)

Gillian, if you're reading this, thank you..in many ways I owe you my life!

Sincerely,
Kimberley May Maurice