If Only I Knew Then

Chapter 1: A New Bargain

"So, what do we do?"

"Well, I'm still not sure."

"Not sure? That isn't a very good answer, Giles. That's not very proactive at all. What kind of a leader are you?"

"One that is currently out of ideas, I'm afraid."

"Well that is just unacceptable!" Anya shouted, sounding more worried than upset. Giles sighed, tired and weary. Buffy stood in the hallway, listening to the conversation taking place in her
kitchen.

"It's our fault, Giles," Anya said, sounding nearly ready to cry. "You heard what that…eyeball thing…said. It's our fault. Me and Xander and Willow and Tara. We did this. We brought her back and now this is all happening because of us." Giles said nothing and after a moment of silence, Anya continued. "You know, you would think the whole death and despair and Willow going evil and nearly killing us all would have been punishment enough for bringing someone back from the dead. But no! We have to add unstoppable evil onto that pile."

"Yes, well at this point that is neither here nor there," he said, sounding aggravated. "The important thing is that, at least for the time being, Buffy not know what we've learned. This is not, in any way, her fault."

"No, it's not," Anya agreed. "It's ours. We are the ones who should pay for it…well, except for Tara, who is kind of already dead."

"It isn't a matter of who should pay for it. It's a matter of finding a way to right the situation."

"But, you know what…it…said. There is no way to defeat it. There's nothing we can do to make it right."

Turning away and back toward the stairs, Buffy decided that she had heard enough. There was something that could be done, but only one person could do it. Only one person could make it right again and the slayer needed to talk to her immediately.

~****~

"Come in," Willow called out, hearing a soft knock on her door. She was laying sprawled out on her bed, books and papers strewn about her.

"Is this a bad time?" Buffy asked as she closed the door behind her, hoping that it wasn't.

"No, just studying. Still trying to keep up with my classes, when I'm actually able to attend them. But I need a break," Willow said with a smile. Buffy mentally noted that whenever Willow smiled these days, it was never a full, happy smile. IT never stretched out fully, never reached her haunted eyes. "So, what's up?"

"I sort of need to talk to you about something," Buffy said hesitantly, as she sat on a vacant spot on the bed.

"What is it? Problem with the potentials?"

"No, nothing like that. It's just…have you talked to Anya or Giles about what that oracle told them?"

"No, actually, they haven't said a word to me about it, and I guess I figured if they knew anything, they would tell me." Willow looked down at her hands in her lap, trying to hide the hurt she was feeling at apparently being left out of the loop.

"Well, I kind of overheard them talking about it, and it seemed clear that they didn't want me to know what they were told."

"But you know now anyway," Willow surmised.

Buffy nodded, taking a deep breath before speaking again. "It seems, from what I heard, that The First is back because I'm back."

She stopped, waiting to see how Willow would react that what she had just said. Taking a moment to process what the blond was telling her, Willow sat up a bit straighter and her expression was of
stricken horror.

"Oh, god. You're saying that it's here because we…I brought you back?"

"I'm not saying this is your fault, Will," Buffy said, trying to reassure her.

"Well, no, you don't need to. It IS my fault! All of this…the girls being killed, the council being blown up, the torment to Spike, the fighting and the huting…it's all because of me!"

"Willow, listen to me," Buffy stopped her, grabbing her shoulders and waiting for the redhead to look up at her. "I'm not telling you this because it's your fault. I'm telling you this because according to what they were saying, as of now, there is no way to defeat The First."

"Are you sure? There's nothing we can do?"

"Well…there might be one thing…"

"What? Buffy, tell me I'll do whatever it is."

"I can't help but look around and think…all of this is happening because I came back…"

"Because I brought you back," Willow corrected her with a frown.

"Because I'm here," Buffy said with a sigh, "and if I wasn't…if I hadn't returned…none of this would be happening."

"Buffy, what are you saying?"

"I'm saying…things would be better if I hadn't returned." Willow's eyes widened as she stared at Buffy. "You can do it, Will. I know you can. You can go back into time and change things, not bring me back, and the world would be safe again."

"Buffy, you don't know that! Things COULD be worse than now. The demon biker gang could have taken over and killed everyone, or…or we could all be ruled by…super-nerds."

"Will, look around. It can't be worse than this. I mean, I stand in front of those girls, and I give my speeches and I fight and I train, but the bottom line is, this time, we aren't going to win."

"Yes, we will! We always find a way. We're the good guys! That's the way it works," Willow insisted.

"Not this time," Buffy said, sadly, shaking her head. "Will, it's the only way."

"Buffy, please don't ask me to do this."

"I know it's asking a lot…"

"A lot? Buffy, you're asking me to take you out of the world. You won't exist anymore!" She paused, thinking for a moment before adding quietly. "I thought you were happy here, now. Finally glad to be back. Is that not true?"

"No! Willow, I am SO thankful to be here…to have had this time with Dawn, to see her grow and to teach her and train her…and to be with you guys…you know, other than the whole going evil and nearly fighting to the death part. Willow, I will always be eternally thankful for that gift you gave me. Always. But the bottom line is that I have to do what's best…for the world. And that means me not being here."

"There has to be another way."

"There IS no other way. Believe me, I've thought about it. This is the only way. And no one would remember any of this…other than you. They would be alive and safe and happy. You could be sure not to do the resurrection and…things would be different. You wouldn't touch the darkness like you did last time, you wouldn't go all black-eyed, and I wouldn't be fighting the nerd squad, which mean Tara…would still be alive." Buffy looked down, a guilty expression on her face.

"Buffy, you can't ask me to trade your life for hers! I can't make a decision like that."

"I know I'm asking a lot, Will," she repeated.

"Buffy, I'll remember. I'll know…that I took you out of the world, and I'll remember what it was like…to be talking to you and hugging you, and…"

"Just think about it…please. Just think about it." The redhead nodded quietly, looking down as Buffy got up and left the room.

Several hours later, Willow found herself sitting on the front steps of the house, deep in thought. Her mind was a jumble of thoughts and emotions and she was struggling with what to do. She understood Buffy's point. As of right now, there was little to nothing they could do to stop The First. Most likely, they would all perish, painfully, and the slayer line would become extinct. If she were to do the spell, not only would she stop The First from coming, but she would be able to stop all the pain and suffering that had occurred in the last year as well.

"She doesn't understand what she's asking of you." Hearing the British accent, she jumped slightly and turned to look up at the blond vampire.

"You heard us talking?" She asked.

He shrugged, not bothering to look embarrassed. "Vampire hearing and all that." She nodded and looking down again.

"She doesn't understand how hard it would be for you." He said quietly, sitting beside her.

"Well, I suppose it's a small sacrifice for saving the world," she said, not looking up at him.

"Is it?" He asked, watching her carefully.

She paused before speaking. "Done training with the potentials for the night?" She asked, hoping to avoid his question.

He arched an eyebrow at her and nodded. "Lively bunch of girls."

"Yep," she mumbled, looking down again, having nothing more to say. She hoped he would simply get up and leave, but suspected she would have no such luck. A small, sad smile slipped across her face as she remembered sitting in that very spot, having long late- night talks with Spike in the past…when Buffy was gone. They had become close, sharing words with one another that they dared not share with the others. With the return of Buffy came the end of those talks, as well as the end of the friendship which had been forged. Willow was too preoccupied with the magic and Tara and Spike was all-
consumed with Buffy. What he never told her and she always suspected was that a part of him had felt deeply betrayed at her leaving him out of the plans to bring Buffy back, and that a small part of him had not been able to forgive her for it.

"You know, with everything happening right now, not exactly the smartest idea to be sitting out alone at night," he told her.

"I can take care of myself," she mumbled.

"I have no doubt of that, Red," he replied, his hands in the air in mock defeat. "Just an observation is all."

"Got a lot to think about. Room was getting a little too small," she explained quietly. He simply nodded, giving her a sideways glance.

"Spike, what if you could do it? What if you could go back in time and right your wrongs?" She asked suddenly.

"Spose that's everyone's fantasy," he answered, seriously pondering the question.

"Well, I could actually do it. I could go back, knowing what I know now, and…make everything better," she told him.

"You know, history has a tendency to repeat itself, whether we like it or not," he told her. "Life has a tendency to turn out the way it's supposed to, no matter what path you take. We spend our lives worrying about the way things have turned out, but the truth is, even if we were to have made different choices, chosen different turns on the path, we would still have ended up in the same place…right where we were supposed to be."

She nodded and sat, thinking about what he said for a few minutes before finally standing and saying goodnight and going inside.

~****~

"I'll do it."

"You will?"

"Yes. I've thought about it, and…I think it's the best option we have. But I don't think we should tell anyone else."

"Not even Giles?"

"No, there would be too much debate. I know the spell. I have everything we would need for it. We should just do it, now, while we have the chance."

Buffy took a deep breath, considering what they were about to do. "Right now?"

"No, tomorrow night," Willow explained. "Give you a chance to, sort of…saying good-bye to everyone…you know, without actually saying good-bye and all."

"Thank you, Willow," Buffy said, hugging her friend, before taking off in search of her sister.

Willow sat down at the kitchen table, her hands wrapped around a large mug of tea.

"So, you've decided to go throw with it?" She looked up, startled again to hear the vampire's voice. She nodded before looking back at her tea.

"Sure you want to do this?" He asked.

"I have to do this," she told him, resolve-face in place.

"You know, you'll still remember everything, even if no one else does. Won't be easy," he told her, his watchful eyes full of concern.

"I know," the redhead replied, "but I have to do it. I have to know…to remember…so that we don't try the resurrection…and…so I don't go all evil again."

"No way of talking you out of it, is there?" She shook her head. "Just promise me that you'll be careful then, pet," he said, before heading for the basement, stopping at the door and turning back toward her. "And if I mention any sudden trips to Africa…do me a favor and stop me from going, alright?"

The next night came much too quickly for the witch and the slayer.

"You ready for this?" Buffy asked, her eyes full of a mix of worry and determination. Willow swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded.

"You?" She questioned.

"Yep," the blond replied, nodding. "It's the right thing. I can feel it."

"I hope you're right. Buffy…what am I gonna do without you? How am I gonna wake up tomorrow and know that you aren't there to talk to and to hug and…to steal all the pancakes?" Buffy chuckled, a tear slipping down her cheek.

"Willow, you have no idea how much you mean to me. You're still my big gun, you know." Willow smiled, her eyes filling with tears. Leaning over and capturing the redhead in a tight embrace, Buffy whispered, "take care of them." Willow nodded, squeezing her tightly. "And take care of yourself, Will. Be happy."

Finally breaking the embrace, Buffy sat back and watched as Willow began to the spell. Closing her eyes, beginning to center herself, Willow heard Buffy ask a question and opened her eyes again.

"How will we know when it works?"

"We just will," she responded quietly, closing her eyes again. "Trust me," she added, beginning to chant the words to the spell. Reaching out, she grabbed a hold of her friend's hands as they sat across from one another. Before too long, they were enveloped in a brilliant, white light and Willow felt everything pull away.

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