If Only I Knew Then

Chapter 2: Beginning Again

“We just can’t have her messing up in front of the wrong person…or the wrong thing. We need the…the world, and…the underworld to believe that Buffy is alive and well,” Giles said.

“And I will, therefore, fix it. I got her head back on, didn’t I? And I got her off those knock-knock jokes, so…” Willow stopped talking as her head suddenly got fuzzy and she stumbled forward a bit, feeling as though she were hit by something strong that she couldn’t see.

“Oh, who’s there?” The Buffybot asked, cheerily. Willow looked around in confusion. She felt weak and dizzy and everything was blurry, sounding far away.

“You know, if we want her to be exactly-” Xander started, before Spike interrupted him.

“She’ll never be exactly.”

“I know,” Xander finished, somberly.

“The only really real Buffy is really Buffy,” Tara stated.

“And she’s gone,” Giles added.

Willow was lightheaded and out of breath. Lagging behind the rest, she stopped at their words. “Oh god, I did it. I’m back…and…she’s gone,” she whispered to herself. She looked around, her thoughts hazy and jumbled, and she felt extremely disoriented.

“Red, you alright there?” Spike asked, noticing her hanging behind and mumbling to herself.

“Oh, honey, I told you to be careful when using so much magic. Maybe the telepathy was just too much,” Tara said softly, stepping up next to her and putting her arm around her. Willow noticed for the first time that there was a trickle of blood coming from her nose and her vision was still slightly blurry. Looking up, she nearly fell over from shock as she found herself face to face with Tara. Her complexion paled and her eyes widened.

“Not to mention how freaky it is to have you in our heads like that,” Xander added, not noticing the look on Willow’s face.

“Willow, what is it? What’s wrong?” Tara asked. “You look as though you’ve just seen a ghost.”

“Willow shook her head, trying to remember what was going on, and smiled weakly at her girlfriend. “No, no…I’m fine, really,” she said quietly.

“Well, maybe you had better take it easy for the next day or two,” Giles said, his voice filled with concern.

“I’ll be fine, really,” Willow assured them as they all made their way home.

~****~

“What are you doing, honey?” Tara asked as Willow crawled along the floor, searching under the bed for her shoes. The previous night had been a confusing blur to her and she came back to the house, falling asleep nearly immediately, exhausted from the time reversal spell.

Willow was glad to not have to talk to anyone yet, especially Tara, as she had no idea what to say or how to act around her now. She had thought she was prepared to see her girlfriend again, but it was nothing like she had expected it to be. She had finally begun to accept that Tara was gone, for good, and suddenly, here she was, in front of her, and she was able to hold her and touch her. Willow’s mind was haunted by flashbacks of Tara’s sudden death and everything that followed, and it was all the redhead could think about. Tara reminded her that Dawn had borrowed the shoes she was looking for and Willow climbed to her feet, shaking her head, mumbling, “Oh, right.”

She went to Dawn’s room, but not finding her there. The redhead turned away from the door with a sigh. Everything still felt so weird and it was hard to remember exactly what she was supposed to be doing.

“You okay?” Tara asked, as they walked down the hall.

“Oh, yeah, sure…I’m fine,” Willow answered, trying to sound as breezy as possible.

“Well, I know you’re nervous about today, but breakfast will make everything all better,” Tara reassured her as they headed down stairs.

Walking into the kitchen, Willow found Buffy making sandwiches.

“Morning,” Buffy said cheerfully. “Did you want to go over my programming one more time?”

Willow faltered for a moment, trying to understand the question. Suddenly, she remembered that this was not actually Buffy and a twinge of pain shot through her at the reminder that Buffy was really dead and gone.

“Uh, yeah, that would be a good idea,” she said uncertainly.

“Again?” Tara asked. “You’ve done enough, sweetie. She’s either ready to face this thing or she’s not.”

‘Face this thing…face this thing…what thing?’ Willows mind raced, frantically trying to remember what thing it was that the bot was about to face. Some unspeakable evil? The Watcher’s Council? What could it be? As Tara made pancakes, Willow sat quietly, trying to remember what was happening.

“House of chicks, relax. I am a man, and I have a tool,” Xander announced, as he entered the house. The three girls looked up at him, strange, questioning expressions on their faces. He held up his toolbox.

“Tools,” he clarified. “Lots of plural tools. In my, uh…toolbox. Ah!

Sandwiches. Excellent. Men like sandwiches.”

“So what brings you here so early, your macho-ness?” Willow asked.

He gave her a confused look before answering. “I brought that wire you wanted for Buffy-bot’s tune-up, remember?”

“Oh, yeah, that,” she said, trying to laugh off her apparent forgetfulness.

The phone rang and she quickly moved to answer it.

“Hello? Hey, Anya,” she said, trying to sound as cheerful as possible.

“Willow, good, I was hoping to get you,” Anya answered. “I got the…thing…for tonight.”

“Oh, okay,” Willow said slowly, still searching her brain for what “tonight” was. She looked up to see everyone watching her. “Uh, Anya got the…uh…thing…for tonight,” she explained to the group.

Xander and Tara slowly nodded and Dawn asked Tara what tonight was, though Willow didn’t hear the answer.

“Okay, so sit your robo-self down so we can get to work,” Xander said to Buffy-bot as Willow hung up the phone. “We gotta fix up those fighting skills, pronto.”

“Actually, I think we have much bigger worries than her fighting today,” Tara interrupted.

“I guess,” he said slowly, “depending on how much you prize punning.”

“No, Xander, seriously, Buffy-bot is going to face her biggest challenge ever, today.”

‘What in the name of god are they talking about?’ Willow shouted mentally.

“Time to head off to parent-teacher day,” Dawn announced, standing and taking the bot’s hand to lead her out.

‘Oh, that! Crap. Now I know what day it is,’ Willow thought. ‘That leaves, like, zero time to take care of this whole resurrection thing.’

~****~

Willow couldn’t shake the constant sense of déjB vu as she sat with Tara, holding the urn.

“The Urn of Osiris,” they both said together. Tara blushed and smiled slightly.

“You really found it,” she said, looking up.

“Yeah, and it wasn’t easy,” Anya explained.

Now to Willow, everything seemed much too familiar. It was like she was watching from outside of her body and it made her feel sick to her stomach.

“I went through every supplier that The Magic Box had. I ended up getting it on eBay.”

Willow nodded slowly, looking at the urn. She had to fight the urge to throw it to the ground, smashing it to pieces.

“You found the last known Urn of Osiris on eBay?” Tara asked in surprise.

“Yeah, from this desert gnome in Cairo. He drove a really hard bargain, but I finally got him to throw in a limited-edition Backstreet Boys lunchbox for a- a friend,” she finished quietly, as Xander glared at her.

Xander looked toward Willow who was still staring at the urn. “So, you got your somber on, Will. Is the urn not up to spec?”

“Huh? What?” She asked looking up, his voice pulling her away from her thoughts. “Um, yep, it’s the one.”

“Willow, honey, you’re looking sort of strange,” Tara said softly.

“Are you rethinking about doing this?”

“I…I don’t know…I mean, no…yes…I mean, yes. I’m rethinking, and I’m thinking maybe we should…definitely not do this.”

“What? But you were the one that was all ‘everyone is on board, no questions asked,’ and everything,” Xander interjected.

“Well, I’m changing my mind,” Willow said, tilting her chin up higher in the air. “I’ve decided we can’t do this.”

“Well, who made you the boss of the group?” He asked angrily.

“You did,” Anya reminded him. “You said, ‘Willow should be the boss”, and then you said ‘let’s vote’ and it was unanimous.”

“And then you made her a little plaque that said ‘Boss of Us’. You put sparkles on it…” Tara added.

“Valid points,” he replied in frustration, “all. But we…I mean…maybe we should talk to Giles before we decide for sure no for all time. I mean, it’s like you said, Wills, what if she is in some hell dimension and…”

“No!” Willow said suddenly, startling everyone. “She…she’s not. I know now. I can’t explain how I know, but I just do, and you have to just trust me. We can’t do this. We just can’t. It would be bad. And wrong and lead to wrong badness, and…” she was starting to shake as tears filled her eyes.

Tara wrapped an arm around the redhead, trying to calm her down.

“It’s alright, sweetie, we don’t have to do this,” she told her comfortingly.

“Good, because we can’t,” Willow responded before pulling away from the blonde and looking around at the group. “I’m sorry. I know you don’t understand, but it’s for the best.” With that, she lifted up the urn and threw it hard against the floor, watching it shatter.

“Willow!” Xander shouted, jumping up from his chair.

“Hey! I went through a lot of trouble to get that,” Anya complained.

“I can’t believe you just did that,” Xander growled.

“It’s over now. We never mention this again, and we never tell anyone.

Not Giles, not Spike, and not Dawn. They wouldn’t understand.”

“Right about now, WE don’t understand,” Xander said in a mix of anger and confusion.

“It’s doesn’t matter,” Willow mumbled, staring down at the broken pieces on the floor. “It’s over.”

Pt. 4

Entering the house, Willow found the bot walking into the wall. Spike looked at her as he replaced a vase on a table that the robot had nearly knocked down.

“Spike,” she said wearily, “where’s Dawn?”

“Upstairs in bed. But the bot here seems to have got into a scrape while she was on patrol,” he told her. She moved the bot, looking at the cut on her head. She would have to be more careful with it now, knowing that Buffy wasn’t coming back.

“I think my feet are broken,” the bot said. Willow cringed, hearing Buffy’s voice, and fought the tears that threatened to fall at the thought that she would never see or hear Buffy…the real Buffy, ever gain. Suddenly she felt horribly alone.

Moving the bot over to the couch, she sat down and looked up at Spike. “Can you get me a flashlight? It’s in the kitchen.”

“She wanted to go out and look for you again, but I figured there was already enough things in Sunnydale that go bump in the night,” he said, as he went into the kitchen.

“Good thinking,” she said absently.

“But my homing device locates you when I’m injured. I am programmed to go to you,” the bot said.

Willow nodded. “Right, I know. Still, I think just this once, it was a good idea to stay put.” Lifting her shirt, she began to inspect the circuits and wires. “Spike was right.”

As Spike came back into the living room, flashlight in hand, the bot looked up and smiled at him. “Sorry I questioned you Spike. You know I admire your brain almost as much as your washboard abs.”

“I TOLD you to make her stop doing that,” he growled at Willow.

“I did. I mean, I thought I got all that stuff out of the program,” she answered, fighting to concentrate on what she was doing.

“Well, you’ve got her opened up, fix it,” he commanded.

“Sure. I mean, I have a lot of work here, but I’ll see what I can do,” she said, trying desperately to hold back the tears.

Spike moved around her and sat on the other end of the couch, watching her face carefully as she looked over the robot.

“You alright, Red?” He asked, his voice much softer now.

She nodded, biting her lip to hold the tears back.

“Well, that was real convincing,” he said gruffly. He looked up at him and her resolve finally broke, the tears slipping forth.

“Hey, now, what’s all this?” He asked.

“I’m sorry, it’s just…she’s gone. She’s really gone, and no one will ever know…they’ll never know what she did…what sacrifices she made, and…”

“Hey, Red, we’re all upset, but it’s been months. Would have thought you’d be a bit less emotional about it by now. Not like you were talking to her yesterday.”

She nodded, looking down and wiping at the tears, her heart breaking and her soul feeling empty and alone. Not saying another word, she sniffled slightly and went back to working on the robot.

~****~

The next day, Willow called Xander, hoping he and Anya were not still mad at her. When no one picked up, she decided to try The Magic Box after Dawn came home from school.

Trudging through the day had been very difficult. Beginning again was not as easy as she had expected it to be, and everything was a struggle. Tara, Dawn and Willow all walked into the shop, finding Xander and Anya standing near a bookshelf. They turned and looked to see who entered the store, both scowling at seeing Willow and turned back around. Willow and Tara stood uncomfortably looking around while Dawn, ignorant to any tension in the room, made her way over to the counter and started looking around behind it.

“Hey!” Anya yelled, putting down the box of inventory she was going through and walking over toward Dawn. “You aren’t supposed to be behind there. Get out!”

“I’m just looking for a bag of candy that I know Giles kept back here, for…oh hey,” she stopped, pulling out a small piece of paper. “What’s this?” She started reading it and Anya reached over, pulling it out of her hands.

“I've gone. Not one for long good-byes,I thought it best to slip out quietly. Love to you all, Giles." She looked up at the others after reading the note. “He’s actually gone? Really gone? The shop is mine?” She asked excitedly, ignoring the look of dismay on everyone else’s face.

About twenty minutes later, Willow found herself in the car, cursing herself. Giles! How could she forget about that? Now, they were on their way to the airport and she still had no idea what she was going to do about that. She had to stop him. That much she knew for sure. She needed him here right now. She needed his support in adjusting to life here and still dealing with her new powers, and she remembered how easily things fell apart after he left last time, but she still had no idea what she was going to say to him to get him to stay.

They ran into the small airport and finally found the watcher just about to board his plane. Anya and Dawn started handing him his parting gifts when Willow took a deep breath and suddenly jumped forward, grabbing Giles by the arm and pulling him away from the group.

“I just need to talk to him for a minute,” she said without looking back at her baffled friends.

“Willow, what ARE you doing, I have to…”

“Giles,” she said suddenly, pulling at his arm, her voice sounding frantic, “you can’t go.”

“Willow, we’ve been over this. It’s what I must do.”

“No, but see…you can’t, ‘cause…”

“Willow…”

“I know how to bring Buffy back!” She blurted out, keeping her voice low enough so that her friends nearby would not hear her.

“What?” He stopped all movement and looked at her in shock.

“I…I know a spell…a powerful, dark spell to bring someone back if they were killed by mystical forces.”

“You can’t actually be considering…”

“We gathered all of the ingredients together and it works. The spell works.”

“Willow, stop for a minute,” he said, grabbing her shoulders and looking intently at her.

“Magic you’re talking about…it can have dire consequences.”

Taking a step back, she looked up at him, her eyes haunted and sad. “I know. Believe me, Giles, I know.”

“You can not perform that spell, Willow,” he told her.

“I know,” she said quietly. “That’s why I destroyed the urn.”

“The urn?”

“The urn of Osiris. I destroyed it. Without it, the spell can’t be completed.”

He nodded, taking in all that she was telling him.

“Willow, even considering to attempt a spell of that magnitude…”

“Giles, believe me when I tell you…I understand.”

“I really don’t think you do.”

She shook her head sadly. “Buffy’s in heaven. She’s happy there. If she were ever to be brought back…it would be nothing but pain and chaos and suffering.”

He regarded the girl carefully, noticing, for the first time, the difference in her eyes. They contained so much more pain and wisdom than he remembered.

“You sound almost as if you know first hand that what you are saying is factual.”

She nodded. “It is…I…I have to tell you something else.”

He took a step back and gave hr a cautious look, unable to imagine what more she could tell him. Willow glanced back, to be sure no one else was listening before speaking.

“I did a spell.” His eyes widened. “A…another…different spell.”

“What kind of spell, exactly?” He asked.

“A sort of time reversal spell,” she explained.

“What? When?” He stared at her in alarm.

“About a year in the future…we…I did a spell to come back to this time and right a mistake.” She looked down at the floor, not able to meet his eyes.

“Willow! Do you know how dangerous that is?”

“Again, Giles, I’m all with the knowing.”

“I know your power if growing, but you can not possibly be ready for something like that.”

“In the future…in THAT future, I was, believe me. I was…I guess I AM a lot more powerful than you can imagine. Things were a lot different there.” Still she didn’t meet his gaze.

“Why did you do the spell?”

“I had to come back and stop us from performing the resurrection ritual. I…I’m the only one that remembers the future as it was. We decided it would be the best way.”

“We? You and I?”

She shook her head. “Me and Buffy. It was the only way to stop The First, and to save all the lives that were lost.”

“Wait, you and Buffy…”

“No one else knew and no one else remembers, except me.”

“My god, Willow…”

“Please, Giles…you have to stay. Trust me, you leave and badness follows. We need you here…I need you here. Please…don’t go.”

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