interruption -

experimenting with my writing project (comments highly appreciated).

the same exact path.

after three weeks of waking up to the same exact radio talk program permanently fixed on a random station, you would think that I have grown accustomed to the useless crap vomited up by a group of annoying middle-age radio hosts depicting themselves as the representatives of main stream culture. or perhaps, I just have an extremely unfair bias towards these folks because they willingly take on the daunting responsibility and seemingly impossible task of waking my ass up in morning for work.

it is still quite a mystery what I do every morning. depending on the amount of sleep, the intensity of my dream, the events that occurred the previous day, and numerous other unexplainable factors, I act quite different each morning. I might hit the snooze countless times avoiding the inevitable realization of waking-up or simply just to temporarily shut the gossipy noise of the radio hosts. or on other mornings, I jump up energetically, ready and enthusiastic for the day ahead of me (on occasions, I even turn on my computer to play a couple of ghetto mp3s and dance for a bit). but sometimes, I deceive myself and so desperate for just a couple realistically insignificant minutes of sleep I plainly turn off my alarm, bypassing the recurring liveliness of my alarm. it is quite interesting how my mind in the state of semi-consciousness can so easily trick my reason.

irregardless of what kind of morning, I eventually get dressed in nice long-sleeve dress clothes (unstarched because I want them to last longer) and black or brown slacks, which I have not dry cleaned for 1.5 weeks thinking they don't get dirty that easily. and before I bomb-rush the front door because I just noticed my watch turning 9:00AM, I remember (most of time anyway) to grab my pre-cooked dinner, which I am extremely proud of, and place the free, tiny earphones that come with my purchase of a mp3 player in both my ears. and then I am off to work.

since my first day of walking to work where I got lost endless times and realized I was walking in several complete circles, I have found an extremely easy and fast route to work. a routine you might say. I exit my too good to be true apartment complex located in the bullish yet more recently bearish financial district of New York City known as water street (right across the street from Manhattan's south seaport), make a left turn. I walk several steps pass the window of staples displaying the supposedly items on "sale" (when you work at a retail store, you learn that stores make the most margins on what they label as "sale" items). another quite left turn and I start walking on the long street of fulton. after ten minutes on fulton, I arrive at the embracing yet distant cul de sac made up of amazingly trapping modern corporate buildings that achieves what religious churches always wanted to do - reach the sky. it separates the people inside buildings from the warmth and unpredictable setting of society.

everyday on the same exact path, I find something new. what initially seems as an unchanging route that begins my day, is in reality an entrance to some unknown territory awaiting my arrival (where I hope and think I can claim as my own). the other day, I slowed my light zooming speed of walking to a sunny california stroll, risking arriving late to work (but always assured that nothing to happen to me if I did arrive late), to observe the peaceful sleep of a bum who is always so violent and aggressive to innocent fulton walkers. luckily, I have not yet been disturbed by her drooling screams. more specifically, I constantly wish that I have an unlimited camera as I leave and re-mark fulton street every morning. recording the simple facial expression of each person I pass. behind each smile, stoic, or angry face sparks a new train of thought in my unresting brain (even in my sleep, it concocts artificial short dramas very revealing of my "self"). in my walk on fulton every morning, I live another aspect of my life I could never re-live but can only reminisce and recreate in my mind.


message board.


plug: visual toilet.

June 8 2001

wow. haven't written in a long time. actually, i confess, i'm not surprised. i have been aware of my lack of updating. a lot of interesting events and mental meditation took place in the last week. despite the tiredness from work all week, i have been able to make it meaningful.

one philosophy professor said that it is unhealthy to see life like this: "i just need to get through the weekdays and my 'life' will begin on the weekends." his speech meant a lot to me and i make a serious effort to live my life every minute, even when i am at work.

mental recollection time:

let's start on the weekend - i went to Brooklyn to help wen move out. i felt really guilty that wen had to move out after he lived here for one week. but it was nothing anybody can really do (it was an illegal operation after all, what did i expect). however, the brief one week was a nice way for me to get to know the eccentric (i'm addicted to the word) boy. i find myself puzzled at the way his mind works and how he sees the world.

the joy of being busy. walking around chinatown (in brooklyn) and surrounding myself with thousands of competing noises and actions was invigorating. i'm sure that in their private lives, the people I admire in the streets of Brooklyn chinatown have their own problems (who doesn't), but they seem to enjoy life so much. the old, wrinkly man sitting on a half-broken wooden stool fixing people's time- worn shoes. despite the droplets of sweat on his forehead, he had a smile. in the midst of this tremendously hectic, whacked up world, he found a niche for himself. perhaps to the standards of others, he might not have a good life (the lack of material goods, a decent family, or any other rubric that people use to judge the quality of life), he is satisfied; in fact, i believe that he is still striving to get the most he can. that's admirable!

the constant yelling, running amuck, vulgar obscenities - nonetheless, i am still envious of sibling relationships. don't get the wrong impression, im not unhappy with my childhood (it was definitely really great despite the spontaneous drama I dealt with). personally, i view a couple of my friends as family; however, blood relationship are different and very unique. whether or not you like your sibling, there's the understanding that you will always be there for each other. the underlying fact that you guys are related creates a special bond. it is exactly this bond that piqued my fascination. but i know better not to try to artificially created because that would just be stupid and very fake and not genuine.

real tired - need sleep. mental list for future update. {to be cont.}

opening up personal secret, janice, money, beth- relationship, boss - oommen, mindy and bob - rahat interns - i hate financial world brian scholosser the po family roommates eva friends - (john, josh, nima, hemant, joan) simran lakers- vicarious

May 29 2001

i can't believe that i back into my vicious cycle of constantly updating irregardless of the time of day. currently it is 1:30AM (5-30-01) and i have work at 8AM. crazy me. anyway, yesterday was a very interesting day. quite a full range of emotions and a good portion of silent, mental thinking. self-contemplation.

it seems nearly impossible to detach yourself for society by mental will. two related events in the past led to this thinking. tina and I once had a talk about how much people's opinions and image influences our emotions and even our actions. during our naive high senior year (in the beginning), we thought we can completely ignore what others think of us. but slowly we realized how silly that is. i mean to a certain extent, we can block it out, but inevitably it affects us. also in senior year i read this really good book- religions of man. for Hinduism, the ultimate goal is complete detachment from society and even your physical self. separate the mind from the body. silly me. i actually attempted to achieve that.

all this lead up to my recent confrontation with people's opinions. sort of a continuation from my previous entry. it seems like i break down sometimes due to human interaction. when i get frustrated or in a bad mood, i become super silent. like i don't know really what to do and so i just do nothing. that's quite bad i think. yet on the other hand, the silence allows me to think and readjust myself.

i remember my biggest flaw in high school was that I was a "people-pleaser." i would become literally obsessed in making sure that people liked me or at least didn't hate me. no matter what I had to do, I would always go out of my way to do please others. not extreme. for example: i would always go out with people when they ask despite how much hw i have. or if i knew someone was mad at me, i would make every effort to reverse that. it got extremely burdening and even depressing in high school. for the past 1.5 years, i have been consciously fixing it.

in new york city, i am still a nice guy. for the most part, it seems like that i'm non-chalant, a mean bitch-monster (dedicated to cat), and apathetic guy. but in reality, i am still a people pleaser in the inside. but i just try to suppress it, subconsciously i think. so it still bothers me a lot these days when someone (i think is interesting shows signs that they don't like me). it is not as bas as before. i can control it more. like if i really think the person is a loser, then it doesn't bother me for the most part. but for people who i like as a person. it is still annoying.

there are people that initially (first impression) at nyc that I thought were the neatest and extremely interesting people, but they are not friendly or nice at all. that is really disappointing. in turns, i become psycho bitch to them. hahahaha. (wow, i am actually verbalizing who i am in new york city. a big accomplishment, i was talking to several people about how im utterly confused about my personality here). but i notice that if these people start acting nice to me, no matter what my opinion is, I still give them a second chance i my mind. hence, i believe my innate characteristic has altered dramatically.

recently, I grew distance from two nyu friends. before we always im each other. they were actually placed in the "talked to daily" category, a rare thing for nyu people. but i notice that i hardly talk to them now. in fact, even when we "hang" out physically, i have little to say to them. maybe it is because im just busy with them. at first i was upset and internally angry at them. but after my nice walk at the seaport (late at night- so pretty. want to share the view and environment with someone. open invitation!), I became more calm. it is not really anybody's fault. things like this just happens. according to cat, friendship naturally goes in cycle except those rare ones that stay good it seems forever. conclusion of my thought on these two friends, i'll make more effort to hang out with them or converse with them.

a positive consequence of not hanging out with those already close yet distancing friends is that i'm actually making effort to hang out with people i don't normally hang out with whom i think are great people. ie: i plan to go watch this ani difranco concert with monique, a girl from san marino cali. we kinda got distanced 2nd semester. so remaking the effort. however, she is going home (cali) june 8th. so i can't go watch the concert with her. but im still planning to go chill with her before she leave. again, anyone want to go see ani difranco? i might end up along or asking my boss to go watch it with me. that seems a little weird for me.

im moving for getting use to a roommate again to liking having company. the difference this time is that we each have our own room. he a really interesting guy. constantly learning something or inspired to think because of him. actually, i have to get back to him about why we value different things. you know when you know something is true but you can't explain it. well, i'm having that situation right now. need to think before i get back to him.

cooking is so much fun. having my own kitchen and making lunch to work is very enjoyable. in fact, grocery shopping is a ton of fun too in Chinatown. im so silly. but i wished that i learned more cooking from my mother. this summer. actually im actually considering taking a cooking class at a community college but im not sure if i have the energy or time to do something like that. seeing how i am actually starting to semi-workout again at the semi-gym at my apt. complex.

okay, this entry is starting to become a listing, so i am off to bed now. night everyone.

May 28 2001

how come we never appreciate what we have until we lose it or see others' with worse situation? it makes me wonder if humans have a natural tendency to move away from satisfaction. seriously think about this for one moment. it is extremely hard to achieve contentment and even if we reach it, the moment is only temporal, always so fleeting.

recently, I seriously experienced the environment of a "working-class" family. for the longest time, i never really saw my family as being middle class. i thought of my family as working class. this just shows how naive one can be unless they experience things. quite sad how we are born ignorant. on the same note, this totally makes me appreciate my mother so much. despite how she is a single parent, she never made me feel like money was a problem in our house. she single-handily created a "middle-class" environment for me. where i was never pressured to work to support myself or the family. for that, i am sincerely grateful. i can't imagine not having a real teenage life because i have to worry about "money." parents are really amazing. i know can't speak for everyone's parents but honestly, most parents i know are GREAT. no exaggeration.

today was a pretty decent day. i bought a lot of grocery. I never knew food cost so much really. I thought I can buy bowls and utensils for cheap but they are so pricey. however, it was a real joy buying all these stuff. john and joan came over so they helped me shopped all over chinatown. we even made spam fried rice. it was great. but a little to salty. my cooking regressed. that's sad. but it's okay. i have a lot of opportunity this summer to be good again. something really interesting arisen today while i was talking to my roommate and john. do i act different here as compared to the way i act in walnut?

i really couldn't answer that question really. in a way, I act different around various people combination. I know that fact. but what exactly do i do differently? insights anyone?

on a good note, today was a fun day. hanging out with my roommate, john, and joan.

my ex-boss (at Office for International Student and Scholars) replied to my email thanking her for treating us (the workers) at a really cool bowling place called Bowlmor. She mentioned again how fun backpacking in Europe is and that I should start planning this summer. so anybody seriously interested. one month- three to four weeks. it would definitely be a really enriching experience. her email also pointed out a issue of thinking.

masculinity versus femininity. in an abstract sense I see it as Ying-Yang (is that how you spell it?). for the past five (or even longer, can't really remember now) I have been called an extremely feminine guy. sometimes to the extent as being accused "gay" and actually being hit on by this gay guy this year. (he's really cool person though besides me totally repulsed by him coming on to me). for the most part, I'm somewhat immune and brush it off. by occasionally it still gets to me. my thinking on it is that it is dumb for me to let it bother me because I am who I am. it is so stupid try to live up to the social image of being "manly." as long as I know my sexual-orientation and confident of who I am- I should act whatever makes me most comfortable and true to myself. in the end, I have to face the person in the mirror and pass his judgment. in reality, I may pass the tests and standards of others, but I would still be unhappy if I am not true to myself.

my eyes are really dry now. i should go to sleep. bye all of you guys. I wonder how many of you guys realized that I updated my site?

May 27 2001

i was going to update later on but I just found out something really funny that i want to jot down before I forget. the internet is a crazy, chaotic invention. so I am searching stuff on-line so I thought i would be interesting to see if my website is listed. oh my lord. it is. so that's not so surprising or funny. because from computer system's class, you learn that meta-crawler searches the entire web and indexes it. but here is the funny part. i actually checked my site tracker i placed on my website to see who are my visitors and where they are coming from. so all these perverts come to my sites. here's how:

some pervert searched this on yahoo. and got linked to my site thinking he'll see some naked tities. however, he was sadly disappointed by me referring to the Stuff magazine and saying how i don't like vulgar, big naked tities. hahaha. that was very funny. here is another funny pervert. basically he wanted to go to a site where anglina jolie is naked but got disappointed by my text driven site.

the craziness of the internet. thinking in term of the chaotic world of the internet, I think our world is equally chaotic. think about it. random people always find each other. we never find the "right" match. however, we find the weirdest people in life. in a way, that's good because it keeps us on our toes and makes life a lot more interesting.

maybe i can find a naked anglina jolie in real life. =)

May 26 2001

this is the new format of my on-line journal. simple and easy to read. a big change from "the metamorphosis." most people probably attribute this format to my extreme laziness (my lack of updating for the past four months is strong evidence); however, in my fluffing of my homepage, i ignored the ultimate purpose: to keep a diary of my everyday life. for now, i just want a plain medium for me to record the thinking I go through daily. thus, three months for now, I can notice and observe my changes. realizing you changed and exactly in what aspects is a very rewarding thing.

in the past three-four months, a lot of things happened to me. tempted to write: "some I am proud of and some I'm not proud of" but that is a grossly incorrect statement. all the events of the last four months are interesting experiences that have pushed me forward in my mentality. actually "forward" is not such a good word. it took me to a different place and way of thinking. i don't want to avoid the mentality of progress. because life is not progress is not staying static. as long as your life is dynamic and constantly evolving, it doesn't really matter if you are "moving ahead." progress is a very subjective. what I think is progress might not hold true for another person.

I did a little writing which i stored in a ghetto notepad file called my journal. I'll post it up with a little content removed (yes, I censor) so I don't offend certain people. because even though they are old thoughts, people still often get hurt. they are not in chronological order.

sigh. i told myself it wouldn't happen. i convinced myself that i wouldn't, i couldn't. running down the track you see the finish line but you decide to run off the track thinking you can avoid the inevitable destiny. unfortunately the sad reality is that you can't escape the end. irregardless of how difficult it is to accept it. the end is still the end. emotional. quite unreasonable. naive in fact thinking i unlike all other before me, i can change (actually bend) the rules. rebuffed by reality. the sad cold truths mock me. taunting me. what is that thing called? shit. toy. avoids my memory. hmmmmm. words? description? you punch it. shock. it does not fall. it wobbles cutely and stares back at you saying, I'm okay. smile. toys are great aren't they. if i can only remember their names or labels.

la la la a la a la. wooo woooo. simple imitation. simplicity. figment of our imagination. smile. that's the cutest thing ever. smile. do it! do it now. bitch listen. do it. smile. smirk. cool books? what's that. shutdown. recharge. sleep.

bird flew out of his cage. ventured into the immense sky excited about the endless possibilities waiting for him. he saw the sun, flew extremely close and smiled at it. dove head first towards the cool breeze of the ocean and made a sharp angular turn up back towards the sky. sailing through the sky the bird made several turns and dives and enjoyed himself. feeling bold and daring, the bird did the unthinkable, he flew back into his comfortable nest and rested.

today is April 29, 2001. yet it seems like it is a thousand years ago. trapped in a time warp where nothing seems familiar. all the usual conventions and rules vanished before my eyes. replaced instead with something cold, strange and vividly alien to me. i extend my hand to touch it and feel it, but yet i can't understand. frustrated i attempt to break it and slam in down on the ground. not surprisingly I'm powerless in this dimension. serenity. acceptance to this warp. i look around, I'm home.

I am kind of tired of writing all pretty and nice thought out stuff. no more backspace anymore. stream of conscience just so i can relax my mind. i miss my old journal. i think when i get a chance and free time i am actually going to read it. when i think about those writings, i kinda smile and think of how silly my thoughts were just a year ago. i'm still very emotional despite the fact that i'm maturing mentally. in my mom words, my EQ is not very high, my IQ is not too high either. today was quite a stressful day. missed my writing conference, didn't start on my societies shit, argument.  but despite all these things, i feel very serene and calm right now. perhaps this is the best way to deal with everything. tomorrow is a new day and whatever happened stays in the past. why live unhappily when i can live with a smile. money, whatever, i'll deal with it when it gets there. miss home. go home soon. something to look forward to.

10:20AM. I woke up. Physically and mentally.

I inhale the refreshing air of revelation and enlightenment. Calmness and serenity surrounds me once more. For the past week, I have been led astray by the new stimulations of life. The uncertainty of emotions controlled me like a puppet on strings.

No, I'm not being retarded and avoiding all forms of emotions. Instead, I'm comfortable dealing with emotions on my terms rather than Her terms.

Victory. I gained my life back. Control of my thoughts and actions.

Evaporated from the immense sea and released back in the air of liberty.

I am confused. Utterly lost in a sea of intricate ideas. Glued down to a complex web weaved together by individuals before, with , and after me.
I am cold hearted analytical realist. Incessantly trying to dissect the complicated world into its bare components.
I am a religiously devout, pious non-believer. I extract (or at least I attempt to) the meaning of life from twirling philosophies that seems to threaten my own existence.
I am common. A homogeneous copy from the master mold. A exact replicate of every other robotic individual. Possessing no original thoughts. Rather programmed to be the same.
i am helpless victim. Addicted to the enigma of friendship. Forcefully clawing out of the endless black hole yet sometimes consciously letting go a little.
I am in love. Naturally attracted to the beauty in the world. The lotus that emerges from the muddy pond of life.
I am lustful. Always suppressing the ever growing animal passion and desire inside my physically and hormonally altering body.
I am alone. Stuck and jailed in an overwhelming kaleidoscope  cell. Each entrance transports me to a different equally isolated region.
I am a crazy boy that thinks way too much about everything. Constantly navigating through mazes hoping to find an permanent exit. But each momentary exit begins yet another labyrinth.
I am a romantic. Thinking and wishing for the ideals. Drooling over the perfect stories in the apparently artificial movies.

Four days or is it five days in Walnut for the first time after school is over was so stressful. dealing with all the changes. the constant fact that my friends are different. adjusting to them is so weird and uncomfortable. sigh. it is nice to come back to New York where i don't have that worry. working makes you think about life a lot. less innocent.

a random stream of conscience/processing:

afraid that she will walk down the path of history. im not even there this time to help her back up. scared out of my mind that im actually considering going home for her. but i shouldn't. she needs to deal with this herself and learn by herself. not a bad person. but certainly deserves more. why can't he be more considerate and more mature. why can't she just follow what she knows is the best route. please god, let everything be okay. im really scared and i know that no one can understand fully my worried besides you. please watch over her and make sure that everything is okay. i really miss you! out of all my friends, i have the worst remorse about moving to new york. seeing all the shit you go through and how everything would be slightly alleviated if i was there for you. im sorry. but on the other hand, you definitely grew up so much this year. i would love for the opportunity to go to hong kong with you next year. i think that would be very good and exciting. i love you (in a friendship way, hahaha). wish you the best of luck in everything. you frustrate me. seriously, i care a lot about you as a friend. i mean, i admit that i have been neglecting our friendship in the sense that it is not the highest of priority but i sincerely care about you. why do you have to complicate it. sigh. you certainly made my visit back home highly enjoyable. break: so mentally tiring to do all this writing and processing. fuck. i don't want to think of all this. i want to im someone and talk to him/her but i don't even have the energy to explain it to anyone. ahhhhhhhhhh! you changed. i no longer admire you. as for right now, this is a very sad realization for me. everything sounds very harsh because i don't have time to elaborate i guess. but as for now, it is the truth. disappointed and feel like our friendship is shit! i don't understand why i spent so much energy on your ass. i guess you can tell from this trend right now that i am highly upset and angry at a lot of people right now. sigh. thanks. switched roles. perhaps. is definitely more independent right now and more successful in life in juxtaposition. i loved spending time with her. the walk around walnut late in the night was great. i loved it! i want her to be happy and enjoy her life. you're great. taking a break for now. fuck you guys. im so mad at the two of you guys. damn it. make me look like the bad guy. grrrrr!

the end of my journal

i feel like i have so much to write. but I'm going to take a break to go workout. nice gym in my apt. complex.