Shaddyr's Eclectic Collection > Pretender Fanfiction > Buffy Fanfiction > Bitter and Sweet
Bitter and Sweet
by Shaddyr
Rating: pg-13
Disclaimer: not mine, yadda, yadda – don’t sue, ‘cuz all I got to offer is stale Doritos and belly button lint.
Bored.
She was bored.
There hadn’t been a peep from Jarod in weeks - no clues, no calls, no annoying packages. The first week it had been aggravating. The second week it had almost been relaxing. By the third week, it had started getting monotonous. They were halfway through the fourth.
She’d stayed late and finally caught up on all her paperwork. There was literally nothing for her to do. Parker decided to take an extended weekend, starting that moment, and enjoy her newfound freedom.
When she got home she puttered around. She washed the floor. She rearranged furniture. She did some laundry and cleaned the dryer’s lint trap.
She sighed.
Changing into her favorite cranberry silk PJ’s, Parker poured herself a stiff drink and settled in front of the TV to veg.
The phone rang.
Parker glared at it and lifted her drink to her lips for a sip of the burning amber liquid.
Ring.
Ring.
She kept her eyes fixed on the TV as she channel-surfed. Tony Robins. Flick. The George Foreman grill. Flick. The Night Exchange. Flick. The Tom Green Show.
Ring.
Ring.
It was nice while it lasted. She gave in and picked up. “What?”
“What’s the best way to eat an Oreo?”
Parker pulled the phone away from her ear to stare nonplused at the receiver. After a moment she replaced it. “What?” she asked again, her tone conveying her disdain at the absurdity of the question.
“What’s the best way to eat an Oreo?”
She shook her head. Only Jarod would treat the methodology of cookie consumption with the same seriousness as learning any other new skill... say like defusing a bomb.
“Tell you what Jarod. You drop on by the Centre tomorrow and I will personally set out milk and cookies and teach you every way I can think of to possibly eat an Oreo.”
A soft chuckle came across the line. “That’s almost tempting, Miss Parker.”
She heard a rustle, the crinkle of paper, then crunching. She battled down a smile, aiming for annoyance instead. “MUST you chomp in my ear?” she inquired archly.
“Sorry,” came the apology, the tone of which lacked any true remorse. “So?”
“So?”
The chuckle again. “So, what’s the best way to eat an Oreo?”
Parker rolled her eyes and sighed. “Have you recently had a brain injury or something?”
“Aw, c’mon Parker,” Jarod cajoled. “You would have told me when we were 10. If I’d known what an Oreo was back then. You always had opinions on everything. You must have an opinion on this one.”
She could just see in her mind’s eye the curious, childlike expression he would have on his face as he sat with a dozen Oreos in front of him, trying to figure it out. She thought about the last time she’d eaten an Oreo. She’d bought a package of 4 from the gas station before work, then slipped 3 of them to Angelo before snarling at him to get out of her way. Hers she’d eaten with a cup of coffee, the bitter left-over morning brew accentuating the sweetness of the treat.
“Parker?”
A lady like snort. “Okay. You twist the top and bottom in opposite directions – but gently, so you don’t break the cream into chunks. If you do that, you have to start over.”
He interrupted her. “Uhm… what do you do with the cookie that got messed up?”
“Jarod! Do you want to know this or not?”
“Okay, okay! What next?”
“Now that you have it apart, you eat the cookie half with no cream on it. I think the best way is with coffee, since bitter contrasts the sweet.”
“So, you dip it?”
“No, I take a bite, then a sip, then a bite. Dipping makes it all soggy and it can break apart and then you have cookie sludge in the bottom of your mug.”
“Ahhh, okay. Just a second…”
Shuffling, noises.
“Jarod, what the hell are you doing?”
“I am conducting an empirical test.”
“Which means?”
“I was seeing if I liked it with coffee. I do. So what should I do now?”
She couldn’t help herself. It started as a snort, then a snicker, and then a full-fledged guffaw engulfed her. She resumed control of herself after a few moments. “Of all the times I want you to do what I say, you decide it’s going to be about how I eat Oreos.” The utter silliness of it made it hard not to burst into laughter again.
“Let’s just say that ‘Stop or I’ll shoot’ elicits a negative response,” he commented dryly. “On the other hand, eating cookies is a pleasurable experience. So… what do I do with the cream?”
An already strange conversation took a sudden, erotic twist when her mind went places with that comment that Jarod probably had no idea were even possible. She cleared her throat. “Ahhh… first you nibble around the edge of the cookie.” Her face flushed, and she was eminently grateful that Jarod could not see her. “Then, uhm… you, ah, lick it off.” Uh-oh. Jarod. Nibbling. Licking. Ooh, I need a drink. Parker lifted her glass and tossed it back in several long swallows.
His voice had gone low and velvet. “That sounds… really nice.”
Okay, maybe he did have some idea. As the single malt soothed her with its familiar warmth, she felt a light-headedness that had more to do with where her thoughts were going than the drink. A few double entendres flashed through her mind before she got a grip. Time to nip this in the bud.
“Look, Ratboy, you want more cookie tips, call Mr. Christie. I have better things to do.”
She hoped the acid in her voice belied the flutters in the belly
“Now, what could possibly be better? Sharing something that is mutually pleasurable seems like the very best way to pass the time, Miss Parker.”
“Jarod, the only thing I’d find pleasurable concerning you involves handcuffs and a 9mm. Trust me, the pleasure would be all mine.”
She could almost hear him smirk.
“You never know until you run a few experiments.”
The line went dead.
Damn him.
Now she had a craving for Oreos... among other things.
****
She awoke to an insistent buzzing in her head. After a moment she realized it wasn’t her head, but the front door.
Muttering darkly, she glanced at the clock. 8:37 am. Who the hell was at her door at this hour?
Pulling her satin robe on, she cinched it at her waist and stumbled to the door while pushing her hair out of her face. She looked through the peep hole to find a Purolator courier standing on her steps. She yanked the door open, startling the hapless delivery man.
“What?”
“Uhm... package for Miss Parker?”
She gave the proffered box a suspicious look but signed the clipboard where indicated. Taking the box, she closed the door behind her, and then walked into the front room while examining it carefully. Jarod’s handwriting, no surprise there. She sat down, placed the box on her lap, and began to unwrap it. Within was a note and a bag of Oreos.
She opened the cookies and took one out, reading the note as she took a bite.
Hope you enjoy these as much as I didJ.
Her brows furrowed together as she considered the message. After a moment it struck her there was something odd about the cookie. She glanced at it and realized the centre was missing. She pulled the ridged plastic tray from the bag and dumped the cookies out on the table in front of her. They fell apart, rolling this way and that, every one of them the same, the cream filling gone. She re-examined the one she’d been eating and discovered one side had been nibbled around the edges.
“He didn’t! He wouldn’t!”
But apparently he had and he obviously would.
She considered the cookie for a moment before decisively popping the whole thing in her mouth. No *way* was ratboy going to out outmaneuver her. She headed to the kitchen to put on some coffee. After all, bitter and sweet went so well together…