“Reno, darling!!! Are you in here?”
Reno forced his eyes open at the strangely familiar voice calling him. Sunlight was streaming through some of the cracked and holey floorboards on the upper floor, illuminating the room.
Abruptly, memories of last night’s adventure flooded through his head and sat up on the coffin with a start. Nearby, Vincent was squatting behind a coffin, tense and alert.
“Reeeeennnnooooo!!!”
“Who’s that?” Vincent inquired, glancing at Reno.
Reno turned to him, then cocked his head at Vincent’s position. “What are you doing?”
“I’m sifting through this junk, looking for something to collect water with. What does it look like to you?” Vincent responded in indignation. “Now, answer my question.”
“Reno! Answer me!!!”
The feminine lilt was too proverbial, and Reno replied, “Elena’s here.”
“Damn you, Reno! If you’re not gonna answer me, I’m leaving!”
Reno jumped up and yelled at the top of his voice. “I’M HERE, ELENA!!!”
“Where?” a female voice demanded.
“Down here in the basement!” Reno shouted just as he burst out of the coffin room and into the basement opening.
Water was still streaming down from the shower, and Reno stepped back, not wanting to get his clothes wet and have mold growing on them.
“Goodness! Who put this hole here?!”
“Down here, Elena!” Reno called out.
A head with sporty blonde hair peered over the edge. “Reno?” she asked in bewilderment. “What are you doing down there?”
“We fell through that hole, and now we’re stuck.”
“We?”
At that moment, Vincent appeared beside Reno.
Elena eep-ed at the sight of the scantily clad former AVALANCHE member. “Reno, w-what were you doing?!”
“Young lady,” Vincent addressed her. “I was taking a bath when the floor gave way. Your comrade here tried to rescue me, but he fell in too.”
Elena smirked. “Sounds like Reno when it comes to rescuing people.”
“Oh, shut up, Elena, and get us out of here.”
“What do you think I am, Supergirl?! Hold on, I’ll call Rude for backup.”
Elena stood up and whipped out her PHS phone. Just as she punched in Rude’s number, the floor beneath her collapsed and she found herself hurtling down the opening, screaming.
Anticipating the occurrence, Vincent leaped forward and caught her in his arms, both falling with an awkward thud to the floor. Reno ran up to them and helped them both to their feet.
“Oh, thank you, Mr. Valentine…” Elena breathed with relief, still gasping for breath.
“Please…call me Vincent.”
Elena glanced down at his body and blushed. When someone appears half-naked in front of you, you’re automatically on first-name basis.
“Elena, are you alright?” Reno inquired with concern.
“Damn you, Reno!” she screeched, slapping him on the cheek. “Why were you here at the Shinra mansion anyway?!”
Reno, though unfazed by the impact, cringed at her tone of voice. “Sorry, Elena. But I wanted to talk to Vincent about the security of the Shinra library,” he fibbed. Then he frowned at her. “And besides, why are you here?! Weren’t you supposed to be at Wutai getting us a mission?”
“Yeah, but our client wants to see you personally,” Elena replied scornfully. “He said he can’t trust a woman with the job he’s giving us. So I followed your tracking device here.”
“Where’s your PHS phone?” Vincent interrupted their heated conversation.
Elena glanced at the phone that she fortunately still held in her hands. “I’ll have Rude rescue us in an instant,” she declared as she dialed his number. After a few moments, she threw the phone to the ground. “$#!^!”
“Let me guess,” Reno piped up. “No signal.”
Elena simply was too furious to answer.
Vincent pondered this for a moment. “You don’t happen to have any rope with you, or even some food?”
Elena shook her head sadly.
Reno placed his palms at the back of his head and ambled back towards the coffin room. “Well…now there’s three of us,” he snickered.
________________________
By nine o’clock in the morning, according to Reno’s wristwatch, Vincent was starving. They’d have to search for food soon, otherwise they’d have to start eating the books in the library. Yet, Vincent chuckled to himself, How ironic. Here I am, trapped in the bowels of my own house. Is there any worse fate than that?
“How about if we start yelling at the top of our lungs?” Reno suggested.
“The only thing we’ll accomplish with that would be acquiring a sore throat,” Vincent contradicted. “The people of Nibelheim still think this place is haunted, and with all the echoes, we’d sound more like ghosts than humans.”
“This sucks,” Elena declared as she entered the room, arriving from her reconnaissance trip in the library. “Nothing there but books and laboratory equipment. Nothing that could help us get out.”
“Hey, how about if we stack up all those books and use it to climb up?” Reno said hopefully.
“Do you even think that could hold our weight?” Vincent told him, remaining calm and rational as always.
Vincent could feel Reno’s hopes dash. “No, I don’t think so,” the Turk said quietly.
Vincent turned to Elena. “May I borrow your blazer?”
Elena raised an eyebrow and glanced down at Vincent’s scant clothing. “Sure,” she said, tossing him her sports jacket.
Vincent tied it around his waist, then realized that he need more cover at the back. He shifted the whole thing around so that Elena’s smaller blazer was in front and Reno’s was at the back.
Elena’s eyes widened as she watched him. “I don’t think I’ll be wearing that again,” she mumbled with a blush.
Reno was observing Vincent too. “Hey, now you look like a pale Indian,” he chuckled. “I’ve got some food coloring here. Care for some war paint?”
Vincent glared at him. “No, thank you. It’s about as bad as your nude painting idea.”
Reno brightened up. “Now that you’ve reminded me…how about perching on that coffin and posing for me?”
________________________
“Remind me again why I consented to do this?”
Reno grinned as he placed his fingers in front of him, “framing” Vincent. “Well, you said you were bored, and you also wanted me to stop bothering you about it.”
Vincent shook his head as he lay on his side and placed his head on a propped elbow in what Reno called a “sexy” position. “No, there was another reason.”
“So you’d have an excuse to kill him afterwards,” Elena piped up, her back turned to them. For the past half hour, Elena had been blushing furiously and trying not to imagine what was going on behind her.
“You’re not actually going to kill me,” Reno said as he resumed painting. “Are you, Vince? Besides, who’s gonna hang this masterpiece at the refrigerator of the Turks’ headquarters?”
Vincent didn’t say anything. He merely seethed in anger.
“Oi! Vincent! You here???”
Vincent jumped up at the voice; Reno dropped his paintbrush; and Elena whirled around, forgetting that the older man was still unclothed. All three were excited at the prospect of being rescued.
“Who’s there?!” Vincent boomed out.
“It’s me…Cloud.”
Reno made gagging noises while Elena eep-ed at both the identity of the visitor and the sight of Vincent. But Vincent ignored them and immediately dashed out of the coffin room, grabbing his makeshift clothes at the same time.
“I’m down here in the basement, Cloud!”
A spiky blonde head peered out of the edge. “Is that you, Vincent? I have something really important to tell you.”
To Vincent's utter horror, Cloud deliberately jumped off the edge of the hole with an enthusiastic “WHEE!!!”, performing a mid-air triple twist somersault, double-flip, three-sixty, and then landing sure-footedly on two steel-toed boots, which would probably weigh fifty kilograms at the speed of his dive.
Vincent stood there gaping for a moment, while Reno and Elena ran out of the room at the cacophony. “Uh…Cloud?”
“Ta-DAAAA!!!” Cloud sang out a fanfare. “Whaddaya think? I’m wearing a master speed plus right now. Isn’t that great?”
Still staring at his friend, Vincent managed to choke out, “What are you doing here, Strife?”
Cloud brushed himself off, then grinned at Vincent. “Oh, Vincent, I was in town today, and I heard some screaming this morning, and when I went in, there was this huge hole in the guestroom, and you left your shower running too…and I guess I just wanted to tell you that.”
Behind him, Vincent heard the simultaneous slapping of foreheads.
“Hey, the Turks are here,” Cloud said, peering over behind Vincent. “What are you doing here? Are you here to have lunch with Vincent too? ‘Cos I’m glad you’re joining us.”
Reno’s eyebrow twitched. “Um…did you bring food?”
Cloud cocked his head in confusion. “Why? This is Vincent’s house. He’ll have to provide the food.”
Everyone seemed hopeless for a while, until Elena spoke up. “Guys, I have an idea. Cloud, you do have super strength, right? Suppose you propel one of us to the top?”
Reno snapped his fingers in agreement. “Yeah, and then the person could go and look for help.”
Cloud thought for a while. “You’re right. Maybe I can do it.”
Vincent, however, didn’t seem so optimistic. “…How about doing a practice throw, Cloud?” he said, gesturing to the carcass of yesterday’s YinYang.
“Whatever you say, Vince.” Cloud lifted the monster effortlessly and walked to the opening. With a mighty heave, he hurtled the body up the hole.
*SPLAT*
Elena grimaced at the sight of the splattered monster body high up on the wall, its guts and blood beginning to wash away due to the shower water.
“Oops,” Cloud said in a small voice. “I guess I have bad aim.”
Reno turned towards the coffin room. “Why don’t we scrap the idea and wait for someone else to come falling through the hole?” he sneered. “Preferably one with brains.”
________________________
“Why are we here again?”
Reno rolled his eyes for the eleventh time since Cloud arrived. “Because we’re stuck, and I can’t believe you’re such a dolt underneath that mercenary body.”
Cloud seemed unfazed by Reno’s comment. “Hey, Vincent, when are we going to have lunch?”
Vincent said nothing. He was too busy brooding by himself.
Elena stopped pounding her head on the wall and looked up. “Damn, I’m hungry.”
“Tell me about it,” Reno put in. “I haven’t eaten since last night. And it wasn’t much either.”
“I ate breakfast this morning,” Cloud added with a smile.
“Yo Vincent! Where the $#@$^* hell are you?!”
Everyone glanced up from what they were doing and brightened up at the new voice.
“I can easily tell whose mouth that belongs to,” Cloud declared.
“CID!!!” Vincent yelled as they all trooped out of the coffin room.
“Huh? Vincent? Come on, we’re gonna be #@^&$% late for the Fort Condor Air Show.”
Cloud began waving his arms. “We’re down here!”
Reno rolled his eyes. “Duh, like waving your arms is going to help,” he muttered under his breath.
A blonde head with a pair of goggles popped out from one of the sides. “What the $#@^?! What the hell are all you nincompoops doing down there?!”
“Uh…we’re stuck,” Cloud answered.
“With the $#!@%& Turks?!”
“So?” Reno retorted. “What’s it to you?!”
“Reno…” Elena admonished, elbowing her colleague.
“Hey, Cid! Can you fly the Highwind down here and pick us up?” Cloud asked, earning him a jab from Elena.
“Don’t think so, kiddo. Hold on while I get some $#@^ rope.”
All four of them waited patiently for several minutes. Then, half an hour.
“Cid? Are you alright?” Vincent voiced out, wondering where the foul-mouthed pilot went.
“I can’t find some $#@@^ rope!” a muffled voice replied from one of the upper floors. “Where the @!@&* do you keep those things, Valentine?! Wait a minute! Eureka! Here it IIIISSSSSS!!!” *CRASH THUD*
Everyone rushed to the coffin room, where the commotion seemed to come from.
There, in the middle of the room amongst the coffins, lay a dazed Cid Highwind, the center of the ceiling a pile of rubble underneath him.
“Where’s the rope?” Elena inquired.
Cid pointedly glanced up, and stared at the foot of rope that peeked out of the edge like an unattainable goal.
Reno shrugged. “Welcome to the party, Highwind!”
________________________
At the newly established Neo-Shinra Electric Power Company, a certain strawberry-blonde was poring over the corporation’s daily load of mail, either frowning or smiling over whatever he read.
Though he knew that Neo-Shinra was much better and less corrupt than the initial Shinra Company, he observed that the mail they received certainly was no different from before. There were people who criticized the company, or praised them for it, or requested business appointments, or suggested profitable investments. Some even sent fan mail! But the kind of mail that he absolutely loathed were BILLS!
And as he scanned one of those aforementioned despised correspondences, his eyes slowly widened, and his hands started to clench into fists, crumpling part of the paper into nonexistence.
“FIVE MILLION GIL???!!! JUST FOR THE WATER BILL???!!!” he exploded, banging his fists on his desk so hard that the desk practically fractured. “WHO’S RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS???!!!”
The cavernous hallways carried his thunderous voice down several floors, where the employees stopped whatever they were doing and cowered, some even pissing in their pants.
“WHO?! SOMEBODY MUST BE BLAMED!!!”
He glanced back down at the sorry piece of paper in his hand, and his eyes widened even more at the location written there.
“NIBELHEIM MANSION???!!! WHO THE HELL HAS BEEN USING THAT PLACE???!!! THEY’RE GONNA BE SORRY!!!”
Everyone cringed at the deafening slamming of doors, then carried on with their work, knowing that none of them was involved in the whole predicament.
________________________
“Okay…let’s try this. If we succeed, you can kiss goodbye to this #@#^*% basement.”
At Cid’s orders, everyone was piling up onto a human tower in the coffin room, intent on at least sending one person to the top floor. Thanks to Cid, there was a considerably large hole in the ceiling, and it seemed that salvation wasn’t far away.
Vincent had insisted on being at the bottom, since his makeshift thong rendered him indecent if he stood on another person. And right now, he was helping Cid up his shoulders and bracing himself against the wall for support.
“Hey, coppertop!” Cid called out to Reno, gesturing to his own shoulders. “You think you can get your skinny ass up here?!”
“Yeah, yeah,” Reno drawled as he mounted Vincent. “Hold your chocobos, I’ll be up.”
Then, it was Elena’s turn. With a ballerina’s grace and a circus performer’s agility, she scaled towards the top, then reached an outstretched arm to the top. “It’s still too far…” she groaned. “We need one more person. Cloud! Get up here!”
“Me?” Cloud asked.
“Yeah!” Reno agreed. “When you climb to the second floor, try to pull us all up, okay?”
“Sure!” With that, Cloud began to make his way on Vincent.
“Oh shhhhhhhhhh…!” Vincent hissed as Cloud clung onto his back. “Cloud…you’re damn heavy…”
“I am?” Cloud asked in disbelief. “Then maybe I should put my sword down…”
Everyone else fought against the urge to slap their foreheads while Cloud tossed the incriminating weapon aside.
“You’re…still…too…heavy…” Vincent moaned, his knees beginning to buckle.
“Huh? Okay, I’ll take off my bangles and my armor and my accessories…”
“Damn, that kid’s got too much $^*#$% stuff,” Cid grumbled.
As Cloud attempted to scale Vincent’s length, the older man sensed his strength and endurance waning, and he surrendered with a frustrated growl and collapsed to the floor, sending everyone else tumbling onto each other.
“$#!^!” Elena cursed, along with Reno and Cid.
Vincent, however, said nothing, but glared heatedly at Cloud. “It’s the boots,” he murmured after a few moments. “You’ve got to take off the boots, Cloud.”
Cloud’s eyes registered a look of fear. “No…No, I won’t.”
“Cloud, just take the $#@@^& boots off and get us the hell out of here!” Cid raved.
“No!” Cloud protested, backing towards a wall. “No! No! No!”
“Please, Cloud,” Elena pleaded. “For us.”
“No! No! No!”
Cid and Reno advanced towards the blonde, intending to physically force the boots off Cloud. However, the next thing they knew, they found themselves hurtled towards the wall, the stone slightly crumbling at the impact.
“NO! NO! NO!”
“Then have it your way!” Reno spat, brushing his clothes free of dirt. “We’ll just get out of here without your help.”
An hour later, everyone else was spent and exhausted, suffering from muscle cramps and broken backs. Elena, who suffered the brunt of it all from having to leap from the top of the pillar and grab the edge of the hole, was quite sore from landing after whatever she managed to hold on to gave way.
Cloud sat there, observing their progress. “Look on the bright side,” he said, gazing at the hole. “At least there’s a lot more light down here now.”
Vincent struggled to hold back anyone who desired to beat up the spiky blonde.
________________________
I’m going to personally execute whoever is responsible for this, he seethed as he hopped off the helicopter in Nibelheim.
A glinting hulk of metal caught his eye, and he turned and saw another Shinra helicopter parked in the field.
I knew it! It’s one of my own men! The insolent fools…Not only will I fire them, I will make them suffer five million lifetimes of hell…I’ll make them pay!
He stomped towards his sole destination, ignoring the villagers who stared at him strangely. He was intently focused on the Shinra mansion now, not letting anything else distract him from his goal.
As he stormed into the house, he halted in his tracks when he heard a low hissing sound coming from the second floor. It sounded just like…
Water! Damn those people who left a faucet running for who-knows-how-many days! I’ll teach them not to mess with me!
He stampeded right towards the bathroom, his vision narrowed to the incriminating showerhead that was merrily spraying water as if there was no tomorrow.
So rapt was he in switching the shower off that he didn’t notice that there was no more solid floor beneath his feet…
________________________
“Cloud, please stop chewing on my shirt.”
“Sorry, Reno. But I’m hungry…”
“There sure are a lot of vampire bats down here. Please make them go away, Vincent.”
“…”
“I want some #$^&*% tea!!!”
There were all assembled just below the basement opening, as the coffin room was too littered with debris and rubble for them to be any comfortable. Cloud was sitting beside Reno, who seemed to be dying of boredom and hunger; Elena was clinging to Vincent, who was brooding quietly; and Cid was ranting, raving, stamping and cursing a few meters away.
Vincent strained to peek at Reno’s wristwatch. 3:45. Nearly nineteen hours since he and Reno first fell through. Nineteen hours since he last drank some milk. The withdrawal was slowly getting to him.
And to Cid. Vincent cast a sidelong glance at the crusty pilot, who was currently bashing the wall with his spear, swearing in every known language and cursing every known god for letting his cigarettes and matches get wet.
“Cid, are you alright?” Vincent asked in a concerned tone, approaching his fuming companion.
Cid didn’t seem to hear him, so Vincent tapped his shoulder.
“ARRRRRRRGGHHHHHH!!!” Cid exploded with rage. “WHAT THE HELL DO YOU #@%&^&% WANT?!” The delirious pilot grabbed Vincent’s shoulders and started shaking the astonished man furiously.
His senses rattled right out of him, Vincent clung to Cid’s collar unconsciously, and in some distant part of his mind, he noticed a dark form falling from up above.
“AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!” *CRASH THUD OOF GROAN*
Cloud waved a hand over his face and coughed, waiting for the dust to settle.
Reno, who was more alert, jumped up and grabbed the newly arrived body, turning it over. “Oh, $#!^! It’s Rufus!”
Cloud snapped to attention. “Rufus?! I thought he was dead.”
“Never mind,” Reno muttered. “Help me get them off each other. I think they’re all unconscious.”
Meanwhile, Elena was putting a hand to her mouth, her eyes wide as saucers as she gazed at Vincent’s nude form, since his makeshift blazer g-string had slipped off from the violent shaking and the impact. “I think I’m getting used to seeing this,” she murmured.
Cloud was chuckling at Vincent and Cid’s position. “Ha ha, this reminds me of the time my mother gave me sex education when I was fifteen.”
Reno gazed at him in surprise. “You mean she showed you how it was actually done???”
“No, just pictures. But it really looks like Cid and Vincent are doing it, considering how nekkie Vincent is…”
“Oh, shut up, you two!” Elena scolded as she kicked Cid’s inert form to the side, disentangling him from Vincent. “Can we not talk about that here?”
A low moan escaped from one of the bodies, and they turned to see Rufus sitting up from the floor.
“Ugh…” He turned and blinked at them. “I think I’ve died and gone to hell, because if I’m not mistaken, that’s Reno, Elena and that wimp Clod.”
“Wimp?” Cloud asked. “Clod? But my name’s Cloud.”
“Yeah, whatever,” Rufus muttered as he stood up. He scratched his head, dusted his suit and glanced at the other two unconscious forms. “Well, lookie here, there’s the brainless, sewage-mouthed pilot and the gothic vampire. Didn’t know he was a streaker, though…”
“Stop insulting them,” Cloud leapt up to his friends’ defense. “You know, if it weren’t for them, you’d have broken your neck when you fell.”
“Reno…how about their necks?” Elena asked quietly, dreading the worst.
Reno checked for pulses. “Naw, they’re still alive. Just knocked out.”
“Two birds with one stone,” Rufus sneered. “So…are we gonna get rid of this one, too?” He gestured to Cloud.
“What the-?”
“But as I recalled,” Rufus went on. “We’re not mortal foes anymore. In fact, AVALANCHE has actually helped Shinra Electric Power Company set its foot back on the Planet. Except now…it has a stupid ‘neo’ in the beginning and a naïve workaholic in the President’s chair. So…I guess I’ll let you live.”
Reno and Elena sighed with relief.
“Something’s bothering me right now…” Rufus mused aloud. “Ah, yes…” He stretched a palm out, letting the shower water pelt it. “It would be most convenient if you told me who left the shower running…”
Reno automatically glanced at Vincent, though not intending to blame him.
Rufus caught his gaze and strode over to where Vincent’s facedown form was.
At that moment, Vincent twitched back into consciousness, and he let out a low moan. Suddenly, he found himself yanked up by the hair, and he snarled in indignation and pain.
“Mr. Valentine…” a silky masculine voice slashed through his murky thoughts. “You must be the current tenant of Nibelheim Mansion…am I right?”
Vincent, recognizing the strawberry-blonde strands, didn’t retaliate, but didn’t answer either.
“Did you know…that you’re making me pay five million gil…’COS YOU LEFT THE DAMN $#@*(^ SHOWER RUNNING!!! FOR HOW LONG???!!!”
“Twenty hours…” Vincent mumbled.
“F$@% YOU!!!” With that, Rufus thrust the older man’s head back to the ground with fury and repugnance. “And get some decent clothes on…” he added, his tone suddenly composed and refined. “You disgust me.”
Elena’s eyes glittered with admiration as she marveled at how swiftly Rufus Shinra could burst out in anger and act like a gentleman a few seconds later. Talk about mood swings.
Rufus turned his back on them and studied the basement opening. “It seems to me that the beams supporting the floor right above us have decayed with age and yielded to the weight of a filled bathtub. The planks that once composed the staircase have all broken off except for a few. Which leaves us all pitifully stranded here in this musty basement with no means of escape whatsoever.” He turned back to the others. “Is this f%$@# up or what? And to think it’s all your fault.” He glared at Vincent.
“What did I do?” Vincent inquired calmly.
“If you hadn’t left the shower running and run up the water bill so high,” Rufus bristled. “I wouldn’t be here right now! I’d be back in my air-conditioned office putting my feet on the desk, sipping a cup of cappuccino and telling my subordinate, Reeve, what to do.”
“I thought Reeve was the president of Shinra…” Cloud wondered aloud.
“He is,” Elena answered. “But Rufus rightfully owns Neo-Shinra Company, and his position is higher than Reeve’s.”
“And since this is your fault…” Rufus went on. “I HOPE YOU FIND A F#@^&% WAY OUT OF HERE!!!” He let out a derisive snort and stomped off to the coffin room.
“I didn’t know pretty boy Shinra could swear,” Cid murmured suddenly.
Vincent turned to him. “You were awake the whole time?”
“Yeah,” Cid replied, grinning wryly. “Just didn’t want to show it.”