Coming Out Guide
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Coming out to yourself
Coming out to yourself means realising and accepting that you're primarily attracted to people the same sex as yourself. This 'realisation' is the first stage of coming out. Accepting that you are gay or lesbian can take longer.
With time, we realise that these feelings are not just a phase and we have to find a way of accepting them. There is no 'rule of thumb' to say when this point is reached. For some people it happens as teenagers, for others it may happen much later on in life. But how do you get from recognition to acceptance? It helps to talk to someone. But who? And what do you say? You might want to talk to someone who understands what this is like.
Coming out 'confidentially'
You might find it helpful to discuss these questions first with a lesbian and gay helpline or switchboard. Your call will be handled with complete confidentiality. There are also many gay, lesbian and coming out sites on the World Wide Web (e.g. http://www.gmhp.demon.co.uk/coming-out/comeout.html and http://www.hrc.org/ncop/guide.html).
Check out the Helplines page for numbers to ring [UK only] and more websites to visit.
Coming out to others
Sometimes people come out if someone asks them directly if they're gay or lesbian. Others make a point of pulling people aside and saying, "There's something I have to tell you." If you choose the latter option, ask yourself: "Who's the most open-minded and caring person I know? and who's the least likely to be shocked, threatened or put off?" Many people describe how important it was to first tell someone outside the family.
Whoever it is, make sure it's someone you trust and who you believe to be open minded and supportive. The goal is not to tell for the sake of telling, but not to hide. Tell that person you have questions about your sexual orientation, or you're trying to come to terms with your sexual orientation, and you'd like to talk. Say you've come to them because you trust them. The more people you can find and be honest with, the better you'll feel.
Testing the waters
You can get a sense of how accepting your friends and family are by the things they say, or don't say, when the subject of homosexuality comes up in conversation. You might try to bring it up yourself by talking about gay issues in the news - such as the Ellen TV show, George Michael, Anna from Big Brother, the lesbian and gay in Shipwrecked 2, or the debates over equal rights in the workplace for lesbians and gays. If your friends' or your family's reactions are positive, chances are they'll be more accepting of you. But keep in mind that it's easier for most people to accept gay men and lesbians in the abstract; it's a bit different when it's "my son" or "my daughter" or even "my best friend."
Coming out to friends
When you're ready to come out to your friends, you may be lucky enough to have some gay or lesbian friends to help you. But heterosexual friends can also be good supporters. Choose carefully as you reveal this fundamental part of yourself. Many gay people find that the friends they thought would be most supportive were the first to drop them, while those who seemed unlikely allies offered the strongest support. Along the way, you might lose a few people whom you thought were friends. But you'll learn many valuable lessons about what the word "friendship" means.
Coming out to family
Sometimes brothers and sisters are a good starting point as they are likely to understand more about homosexuality or bisexuality. Make sure you understand why you are going to tell them. One of the best reasons to come out to your family is to become closer to them. If you have decided to tell your family it may be easier to talk to one parent before the other. You could then ask them for help to approach the other. There are a number of typical responses that parents, particularly, are known to say: "How can you be sure?", "I went through a phase like this at your age", "You'll grow out of it", "You haven't tried hard enough with the opposite sex" and "How can you know at your age?"
If you need any more help, regarding coming out or if you are unsure about your sexuality, feel free to email me, and I will do my best to help you. You can email me directly or use the "Instant Email" feature. It's your call.
New - Why not send them a heart-warming email to explain the pain you are going through? After all, the hardest part of it all is having to live behind a mask, and lie to everyone you meet - even your family and loved ones. Read the poem here and email loved ones the URL, it may be a good move.
Meeting others
Okay, so you've come out to your friends and family.. what next? Or maybe you're still in the closet, but are seeking relationships? The Internet is by far the best way to meet people. Why not check out our club, gay and bi teens, to find some teens in your area. http://www.gayandbiteens.com. Also, why not download Yahoo! Messenger and MSN Messenger, and check out their chat rooms. Just remember Internet relationships are different to normal ones, and you should be careful. Read this to find out more.
Or, maybe you want to meet people the normal way? Try gay clubs or bars, shake your stuff! Or how about joining a youth club? There is lots of information about meeting others at http://www.gay.com.
