This is my lifestory. Looking for the online diary? Click here.
First time you've been here? Read the whole thing, go on it's not THAT long!!
I was born March 29th 1985, and I was born
dead. Great start, don't you think? Well the umbilical cord wrapped around my
neck at birth and strangled me. I was dead for about 5 mins and sometimes I wish
I had not come back. I was put into an incubator and stayed in the hospital for
a couple of days until I was fit to go home. I was an innocent little baby not
knowing the hell I was about to go through…
I had (well, have, but we're talking past tense here…) a sister called Leanne
and she was 2 years older than I was. Well, about two and a half. I don't know.
Anyway, she really loved me and would do lots of things for me, even bathe with
me, LOL. She would say "This is my brother, baby Shaun Lee" (Lee is my
middle name). That was when things were good. Those were the days…
We moved house a couple of miles away where we used to live, and I was about…
three? I still have recordings of me and Leanne when we moved in and were
unpacking… I would say, "What's in the box?"
I went to a play school and had the time of my life. I loved it there, playing
in the sand and the water. I started to make friends and had an altogether cool
time. I thought that when I grew up I would be completely normal and have lots
of friends.
Going to Primary School was another great thing I did, I had tonnes of friends
and I was doing really well at school. All the teachers liked me, I was a top
student (I still am…:) and I absolutely loved it there. Except for the odd one
or two bullies who would pick on me, for the usual reasons (teacher's pet etc.)
I was doing fine. Then came the time when I had to go to high school, I was
10-11 and I was dreading going to a new school, everyone was. I have a project
we all did at school, still sitting under my bed. We had to write about all the
stuff we did at our Primary school and what we liked etc. It also doubled up as
a leaver's book, and all my friends signed it. You should see it, it is full of
messages "Good Luck Shaun.", "Hope you like it at your new
school." I had a lot of friends.
The problem was, in our area there are three high schools. One of them has a bad
reputation for smoking, drugs and bullying. The other one looks like a prison
and all the teachers are strict. So I went to the third, and coolest school. It
wasn't the one I was allocated to, but I could get in because my sister went
there. Of course, all of my other friends went to either of the other two
schools, with only eight of us going to my school. That is how I lost contact
with my friends at my Primary school.
I was terrified, a whole new, big school with no one I knew there. I soon made
some friends, Jack and Lloyd. Jack was rather nerdy, a teachers pet (both his
parents are teachers). Lloyd was very funny, if not sick minded. That's where I
got it from! We were best friends; you could not separate us, although we didn't
like Jack as much as me and Lloyd liked each other. It was year seven (first
year of high school) and it was great.
Then it all began to go terribly wrong. I met some new friends via Lloyd, called
David and John. They were twins and they had a little brother, a year younger
called Michael. They all looked so alike we would call them the three
"clones". It was really funny, we would say that their dad was a mad
scientist, and he cloned one boy to make all three of them, but Michael
accidentally fell in the shrink ray and so was a little bit shorter than them.
We all got along really well, and they introduced me to Richard and Richard.
They were the two Richards, one of them, Richard C was really cool, if not a bit
immature but then again we all were. The other Richard, Richard W was a
different story. He was a small little "goblin" I would call him, he
was evil and hated me ever since I first met him. Many times I have tried to
make amends but he won't have it.
Well, apart from Richard W we were all friends. Then in one German lesson, in
year eight, my life changed completely. I was sitting there, David to the left
of me and John to the right, and a lot of things had been going on, and I don't
know why but I felt slightly… attracted to David. I thought it was nothing, a
phase, and I started to pretend I was gay. To this day I have no idea why I did
but it seemed like fun to me. So I told David and John I was gay, they thought
it was cool, they had never met a gay person before. They would ask me questions
and stuff, and I gradually realised; maybe I am gay. The thought was scary, I
knew my sister had a gay friend and he moved away because he got teased by his
friends about it. No, I thought, I can't be gay. Can I?
I was very confused, and so I decided, once again I don't know why, to tell
David how I felt about him. I told him I fancied him and he was okay about it,
if not a bit weary towards me. Then, I started to "come on to him". It
sounds sick but it was very innocent, he didn't seem to mind. I would
"touch him up" and things like that, he would make a bit of resistance
but not much. This went on for a long time, and we were coming to the end of the
year when I decided to tell Richard C who I also really fancied. David warned me
he might not be so cool about it but I told him anyway. He was okay about it, he
did not believe me at first but I soon sorted that out ;) after one touch he
knew I was telling the truth, and he hit me. "What the hell was that
for?" I asked, "You touched me!" he replied. "Well I touch
David but he doesn't mi-" all of a sudden I felt David's elbow jabbing me
in the side. He obviously did not want me to tell Richard. "I did it to
David" I repeated "And he didn't hit me that hard, ow" Phew, I
thought, I got outta that one easy.
By this time, Lloyd and Jack were becoming more and more friends and left me
out. I sat in the seat Jack used to, behind them as they sat together. "No
worries" I told myself "I've got David and the others"
I had been out with a girl before, Anna. At this point I was going out with
Katie. I had a thing about her, I really liked her. You could say I was
obsessed, even to this day I like her. I was getting very confused now, and I
didn't spend much time with Katie any more, our relationship (however much a
12-year-old can have) was on the rocks. I was getting a bit depressed.
Then one day, just as I stopped doing anything to David, thinking nothing would
ever come of it, he surprised me again. We were walking into our German lesson
and David whispered in my ear: "Have you noticed anything recently?"
This confused me. "A lot of things have been going on lately" I
replied "No, I mean when you touch me… I haven't been resisting you as
much have I?" All of a sudden I realised he was right. He was actually
letting me; it was me who was resisting. I guess I was scared, but he was
letting me all along.
"So are you gay then?" I asked. "No, yes I dunno." He
replied. He was obviously as confused as I was.
I remember how I used to say stuff to him like "Go on, be gay for a while,
see if you like it. Please?" I guess my wish came true.
So we went out for a while. (Well, not officially. We never asked each other
out, I just think it's easier to explain if I say we went out.)
While we were "going out", I was still going out with Katie. I felt
really bad to cheat on her like that, but I felt more for David than I did for
Katie. It was then I realised, I was definitely gay, or at least bisexual.
David and me were doing all the things a couple should. Well, saying that, we
didn't really do anything we should have normally. We never kissed. And we never
had sex. Although we were sure considering it, or rather I was. And besides, I
was too young to do that anyway, I hadn't even gone through puberty yet. All we
would do was touching each other in classes. Sounds sick but it wasn't. We were
in love. At least I loved him, I'm not too sure if he loved me. At lunchtimes,
we would sneak into the boys' toilets, which they usually locked, and we would
touch each other in there. We would always talk about what it's like to be gay
and we were best of friends. It was the best couple of weeks of my life so far.
Then all the weird stuff happened…
My relationship with Katie was at its end. We never spoke and we were always
fighting. Then I met a girl who was in my English class but I never really spoke
to her. Her name was Catriona, or Cat for short. She knew about Katie and me and
thought she could get between us. She's not bad really, and we are good friends
now, (Insider Info: She had since moved school and I don't see her anymore)
but she was a real bi*ch then. She sent me some letters across the room, asking
if I loved Katie. I said I didn't know anymore. She asked if I liked her (Cat)
and I said yes. So she told me to dump Katie and go out with her. I really
didn't know what to do, and I thought she really loved me and Katie did not, so
I agreed. That day was a special event, we would all go to a hall and buy books.
"National book day" it was, to celebrate Shakespeare's birthday, and,
ironically, the day he died on the same day! Anyway, Katie was not in my English
class and in order to prevent cheating on her, which I really did not want to do
(even though I was already cheating on her with David…) I wanted to find her.
It was like some scene out of a love story, me and Cat were running around
looking for Katie but we never found her there. It was home time and so I kissed
Cat goodbye. Then walking home I saw Katie. I ran up to her and said, rather
coldly I must admit, "I'm sorry – it's not working out. You're
dumped." She wasn't too surprised and she left. I cried when I got home.
That was a stupid thing to do, I really loved Katie.
David and I had been going out for a week. It was Friday night and I walked
through the door, just got back from school. I was over the moon with
excitement, despite breaking up with Katie, I was happy about David. I walked
into the utility room and asked my mum "Can I go round David's on the
weekend?" I had been there before, before David was gay, and so I thought
it would be okay. "No" Mum said. She sounded upset. "Why
not?!" I asked, furious that I would not be able to see him over the
weekend. "Because of this" she said. I looked in terror as she held up
a piece of paper, a letter I had written to David but threw away. She had looked
through my bin. It had everything on it, that I was gay, I was going out with
David, everything.
I was so afraid; 'this is it' I realised. 'I am going to be killed'.
She asked me what it was and I lied through my teeth. I said it was all a joke
we played on someone, and that it was over now. She believed me, I think, but it
took a lot of convincing. It wasn't the best story I could have thought up. She
grounded me from seeing David. Although she did say that if I am gay she will
learn to live with it, I never once considered that maybe I should tell her. She
said if my dad found out he would kill me. Then she didn't talk of it for a long
time…
It was Monday morning and I was at school, feeling sorry for myself after I
acted so dumb and let my mum read that letter. I should have ripped it up into
little pieces. I was still going out with Cat, and with David. I didn't tell
David my mum had almost found out, I was afraid he would be horrible to me or
something.
Cat soon dumped me, she said she fancied someone else. I regretted dumping
Katie; she was the one for me. I tried to talk to Katie, I even asked her out
but she turned me down. "Not after what you did to me," she said. I
asked her what she meant; she acted like she didn't care when I dumped her. She
just walked away so I asked my ex-girlfriend and Katie's best friend, Anna. She
told me that Katie did care about me. She just didn't want to make a scene, the
night I dumped her she cried all night. I realised what a twat I had been.
I lost Katie and Cat, and I was about to lose David too. After we messed around
in the toilets we would go through the library, which was being re-built, as it
was the only way out (the caretaker would lock up the exits so no one could go
in.) We then would go down to the bottom of the field and meet Richard, Richard
and John. That was what we did every lunchtime, except one. It was a Wednesday,
the only day David did not have a lesson with his best friend (bar me) Richard
W. So he decided to hang around with Richard instead of me. This should have
been perfectly okay except he didn't tell me beforehand. I couldn't find David
anywhere; he had not come to meet me where we usually did. I was getting
worried, and so I went looking for him. I couldn't find him anywhere but I found
John. It was tipping it down with rain and we were wet and cold and miserable.
That was when I saw David and Richard W. They were messing around in the rain,
the kind of thing they used to do before me and David got together. I asked him
what he was doing, and he said he didn't want to go out with me anymore. I asked
him why and he said that after talking to Richard W he realised he is not gay.
Of course, he did not tell Richard about us, he just meant he was talking to him
generally. It was like a romance film, we were standing there, wet and shivering
with water dripping off us and we were staring into each other's eyes.
"Fine." I said. I stormed off, and for the next couple of days he did
not speak to me, he hated me because I had made him gay, or at least that's what
he thought.
David started a rumour that I was gay around the school, and soon everyone knew
me as the gay boy. No one was sure, but they all went along with it. I decided
to get my own back and so I told Richard, Richard, Michael and John that David
was gay. At first they did not believe me but when I told them it explains where
we were every lunchtime, and how we knew all about the new library, and even
what make of underwear David wears, they believed me. I also told them where to
find all my letters to David, and they read them all. I thought that they would
now like me more, as David had lied to them for so long, and he had been so mean
to me. But in fact it made things worse. They thought I was to blame for him
going gay, and hated me even more. For the whole year we went on and off liking
each other some days, then detesting each other other days until we hated each
other permanently.
The rumour had really spread, and now Lloyd and Jack hated me too. But I still
had a couple of friends, most of which were girls. There was one girl called
Charlotte who was the blabbermouth of the century and she heard about the rumour.
Then she told my mum.
My mum was working at the school, and she told her. It was meant to be a joke
but Charlotte did not know the severity it would be. She did not know that mum
already found out once, this time she was more sure of it. That night I got a
lift from my mum and she asked me about it. I lied again and she seemed to
believe me. I knew the lie could not last very long.
I had lost half my friends and I was very miserable. I went home Friday night,
feeling down and I sat in the living room. My mum and sister were both there.
"I've done some tiding in your room," said mum. She had wanted
me to tidy that room for ages. "There's some Lego for you to put
away."
A cold shiver went up my spine. With tears in my eyes I ran upstairs, taking the
steps three at a time, I rushed into my bedroom, threw the Lego on the floor and
looked in the cupboards under my bed where the Lego had come from. My worst
nightmare had come true. Down there where I kept my Lego creations, was also
where I stored my diaries, letters and all other stuff. Everything I had been
hiding from my mum and now it was all gone. She had taken it, and read it all. I
burst out crying.
We didn't speak to each other for almost the whole weekend. I avoided mum as
much as possible. Then when I was watching TV in my room, mum came in.
"I've found something I don't think you wanted me to see." She
said. I had to do something. So… I lied. I really did not want to lie to my
mum, I loved her but I had to. If not she would carry out her threats of sending
me to a boarding school or orphanage. So I said it was still part of the trick I
was playing on my friend, that we were acting to be gay or something. Once again
she believed me. Or maybe she didn't… I don't yet know.
Nothing happened for about a year. I was still enemies with David, Richard,
Richard, John and Michael, and lots of people were still picking on me. I would
get beaten up at school. I was very depressed.
Then at some point, either the end of year nine or the beginning of year ten, I
made an Internet friend called Dynna. We would email each other and she helped
me get through the crisis of being gay for a while. That is until I had to stop
talking to her.
At that time I was using the email account on our computer, and I had to hide
the messages from her in fear that someone will find them. Then someone did. My
Dad noticed that whenever I got an email from her, as soon as he went to click
on it it disappeared, and he played around with the view and noticed that I had
hidden them. He read them all and told mum. They said everything about how I was
gay and I was getting beat up at school. My mum cried because she realised that
I didn't want to tell her about it. So she quizzed me about it again and I lied.
Actually, I don't know what I said, but she stopped asking about it. I had done
it again.
Then I came out to Katie, Anna and my friend Aimee who had moved away. They
provided a lot of support, except for Katie that is, who is homophobic. I guess
it's also because I went out with her when I knew I was gay.
Well, that's all I can say for now. Since then I set up a private, Yahoo email
account and made lots of Internet friends, but I also lost all of my school
friends. I only have one or two friends at school and I dread every minute I am
there. I always feel sad and depressed, and I cry about it every day. That
sounds pretty wimpy but I'll tell you, I have every reason to. I lost all my
friends, and I haven't got the best relationship with my parents and all because
I am gay.
I can't help but think that my parents are disappointed in me. In fact, Mum told
me herself that Dad is disappointed in me because I never do anything that he
likes to do. My sister has a boyfriend and is popular, and I know she is the
favourite. I hate my life.
That's all I have to write about right now, I'll keep you updated. I am going to
"come out" to my parents sometime soon, it might sound like a bad idea
but it will help a great deal to have them know, no more secrets and they will
understand why I am so depressed all the time and why I have no friends. Right
now I don't know what they think, they probably think I am a horrible kid but
I'm not. All I want is some friends.
Bye.
Status: Miserable.
~ Shaun 24/12/99
"There's a river of tears I need to cry,
"Been holding back for years,
"There's a mountain so high I need to climb,
"To wipe away the fears,
"Solitude and loneliness,
"Have been a friend of mine,
"As I'm turning my back on emptiness,
"I'm leaving them all behind.
"Who knows just where I'm going?
"Does tomorrow belong to me?
"Walk away this time,
"With my head up high.
"Walk away,
"Just me and myself.
"Walk away with pride,
"Nothing left to hide,
"But it just feels right to be one,
"And just walk away."
- Gerri Halliwell, Walk away.
Catch me here:
http://shaunssite.scott-clark.co.uk
Email me: