[Lady Sheherazahde's Wiccan Ways : Zahde's Fun and Games] This was sent to via E-mail. If I am violating a copyright let me know.
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Dear BitchWitch

Dear BitchWitch,
I'm tired of my fellow coveners breaking through my circle when they have to leave to go to the bathroom. When I put up a circle, darn it, it should be respected! What should I do?
Signed,
Circle Enforcer

Dear Officer,
Have you thought of one of those doggy electrified fences? That'll make them think first! Or attach one of those shoplifter tags to their robes, so the alarm goes off if they try to leave.

Dear BitchWitch,
The book said to use ale, so I used a bottle of Bud Light for my circle. But when I went to do the symbolic Great Rite, my athame got stuck in the neck of the bottle! Help!
Signed,
Bubba

Dear Bubba,
(I don't even want to ASK what you used for cakes!) Close your eyes, and break the bottle over your head. Never, NEVER mix Bud Light with Candlelight!

Dear BitchWitch,
My cat doesn't like being black any more, and has decided to see a dermatologist to get his fur bleached. What will that do to my magic?
Signed,
None-too-familiar

Dear Not Familiar,
(Does he have one white paw right now? Just kidding.) Probably nothing, but you never know! I'd try to talk him out of it. Maybe he just needs some more amusement, like a cute little girlfriend or two? Or maybe an exciting getaway on the astral plane?

Dear BitchWitch,
You once told me the best cure for warts was a stiff upper lip. So I tried using Super Glue to glue my upper lip to my wart. Now I talk funny, and my wart hurts! What should I do?
Signed,
Warts and All

Dear Warts,
Find a planet (maybe Pluto?). Project yourself to it. Orbit around it endlessly. Examine it for faults. Keep reapplying that SuperGlue! Sometimes outer space is murder on your mouth!

Hey BitchWitch,
Eye-of-Newt is so expensive! Can I use Eye-of-Pervert instead?
-Pervert's Sister

Dear Sister,
You could, but think of the karmic implications!

Hey BitchWitch,
A friend of mine is having a crisis. Seems her parakeet was listening the last time she was doing circle, and now the darn bird keeps invoking Poseidon! Her toilet has backed up 3 times this week, and she's sure it's because Poseidon is hanging around her house! Help!
-No Friend of Poseidon

Dear Friend-Not,
Tell your friend to stand over the toilet holding the parakeet. Flush the toilet. Looking deep within the swirling water, visualize all her troubles swirling down the drain with the water. Just as the water gets almost to the bottom of the bowl, throw in the parakeet. Repeat as necessary.

Dear BitchWitch,
Help...My coworker is driving me batty!!! I tried invoking Calgon. I pleaded with Calgon to take me away (and maybe get me another office). But it didn't work! Here I still sit! Help!
Signed,
Bonkers in a Bellfry

Dear Bonkers,
You forgot the most important part of the Calgon ritual a bathtub! So fill up that tub, add 1 box of Calgon, chant, "Calgon, take me away!" over and over, and when the bubbles reach the right density, you will be sent heavenward, adrift on a cloud. Once you're up in the cloud, start chanting, "Calgon, take me to my boss' bathtub!". You'll be able to steer the cloud with just your thoughts. When you get to the boss' house, float above his bathtub until he shows up to take a bath. You'll be invisible to him. Once he's in the tub, start chanting, "Give [insert your name here] a better office." Hey, while you're at it, add "and a big raise". For best results, repeat daily until your office changes. Good luck!

Dear BitchWitch,
Please help me! I don't know what to do! I was doing this love spell and it called for a pinch of patchouly and a handful of red rose petals to be scattered on my doorstep. Well, I used a POUND to make sure it would work, and scattered it all over my neighborhood. Now there are men all over my doorstep, 200 messages on my answering machine and I'm afraid to leave thehouse! Help! What do I do?
Signed,
Prisoner of Love

Dear Prisoner,
Give in. Lounge around in nasty lingerie with a collection cup next to the door. I predict you'll be able to quit your job in 2-3 weeks. For continued effects, repeat the spell once a week. Be sure to take your vitamins! (You wanted a LOVE spell? With PATCHOULY?!)

Dear BitchWitch,
My mother-in-law hates me. My husband thinks she's just a goofy old woman and tells me to ignore her, but it's hard when she keeps dumping water on my head! Should I give her the evil eye? Or just the evil finger?
Signed,
Daughter-in-law-in-hell

Dear Hellish Daughter,
Run down to the hardware store and pick up a sack of quick-drying cement. Draw pentacles all over it. Then the next time you see your mother-in-law, duck behind the bag. Tell her you'll curse her with a permanent bad-hair-day if she throws any more water at you.

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