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2. Grand Old Wo/Man
Actually remembers Woodstock (the first one.) Will tell you about
the time they dropped acid with Kerry Wendell Thornley - or maybe it
was Robert Anton Wilson. Anyway, it was somebody with three names. Or was
it three people with one name?
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Luxuriant gray locks,
listens very intently, knows dish about people you've only read about.
3. Tree Hugging Nature Sprite
Most prized possession: one of Judi Barry's old tree spikes.
Simul-taneously believes in universal love for humanity AND returning
the planet to a pristine, uncorrupted state. Apt to remove clothes and
fondle the shrubbery at a moment's notice. Can discuss compost in great
detail.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: No meat, no fragrance, no leather, no plastic,
no smoke, no drugs, no eco-exploitive products, no animal tested
cosmetics, no TV, no car, but very tolerant.
4. Anal Retentive Ceremonial
Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is
studying Greek, Latin and Hebrew all at once. Does "workings" instead
of "rituals". All twenty volumes of their magical diaries are all in
Enochian.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Won't go anywhere without a book. Is
constantly aware of which direction is east. Dresses according to
planetary conditions, or whatever was on sale at Wal-Mart.
5. Womyncentric Gynocrat
A man's shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three weeks
purifying it. She'll have no wands in her chalice, thank you. No boys
allowed in her full-moon club. Can hold forth for hours on the magical
properties of menstrual blood.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Tiny axes or
curved knives, just right for amputating a penis, are a favored symbol and
often hang conveniently from her body parts. When a man approaches she rolls
her eyes and stops talking.
6. Sexy Pagan Nymph/Adonis
Oh, they're so nice! All that warm, bare, sex-positive flesh --
and you can actually carry on a conversation with them between
orgasms... pant, drool...
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Cute. Horny. Displays prominent
cleavage/bare chest. Will recite love poetry to you under a full moon. Likes to do
it outdoors. Often destitute. All too few of them.
7. Corporate Closet Witch
"Hey, boss -- I'd like to take February 2nd as a personal day..."
Has an entire chapter of their Book Of Shadows concerned with spells
for purifying the workplace. Doesn't mind working on Christmas, especially
if there's overtime involved. Quit being overtly Pagan at work since being
canned by that born-again boss, but still refuses to say "Merry
Christmas."
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Can assume a properly smiley work
persona at the drop of a hat. Constantly glances around the room
anxiously looking for co-workers and their spies. Non-distinctive style
of dress, no conspicuous tattoos.
8. Childe Ov Kaos
Can name seventeen industrial goth bands without pausing to
think. Knows what a Prince Albert is. Personally feels that if no
panicky headlines appear the day after you do a ritual, you screwed up. Painted
on their jacket, engraved in their flesh and/or boldly displayed as
jewelry is an emblem which resembles a combination of corporate logo
and arcane symbol. If you don't know what it means, they'll think you're a
dweeb.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Easy to picture as an alternative musician
or bike messenger, difficult to visualize as a school teacher or
research assistant, impossible to imagine as a TV news anchor or bank officer.
Always wears black leather, even when sleeping.
9. Pagan Celebrity
At conventions, stays on the hotel floor that requires a special
key for elevator access. Lurks around knots of conversation
eavesdropping in order to see if their name is being mentioned. Arrives in helicopter
especially for rituals. Starts every sentence with "I". If you ask them
how it's going, they hand you a press release.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Always has plenty of books to autograph and will personally sell them
to you at a slight discount from cover price. Never seen unaccompanied by
beefy amazonian bodyguards and doe-eyed hangers-on. Seems vaguely
afraid of anyone they don't already know.
10. Scary Devil Worshipper
Would _never_ been caught dead skyclad. Rarely smiles, except in
a snide, knowing way which insinuates you are an ignorant peasant
worthy of conquest. Secretly enjoys Rush Limbaugh and read _The Bell Curve_
with smug satisfaction. Fascinated with Nazis. Probably has never hurt a
fly, but they want you to think they're capable of vast destruction.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Lots of black and red. Men like goatees, women
favor heavy black eyeliner. At least one inverted pentagram somewhere
on their person. If you see several of them getting tanked in a bar, it
would be wise to stay far away.
11. Crowley-In-A-Past-Life
Every magical gathering has at least one of these, along with
several variants along the lines of Gerald Gardner, Tituba, Morgan
LeFey, or somebody who was Atlantean royalty. Many of them were abducted by
aliens recently, and have disturbing dreams rich with arcane symbolism
that they will tell you all about, in _great_ detail.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Look for the intense gleam in the eyes, the backpack rattling
with various psychiatric medications, and the garments that were clearly
designed and tailored on another planet.
12. Ravin' Pagan
Young and psychedelic. Can dance non-stop all night. Refuses to
do boring Eurocentric rituals and prefers deities from sunny climes
with lots of interesting local plants. Can say "Ayahuasca" ten times real
fast and deliver long quotes from Terrence McKenna.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Dresses in color combinations that hurt the eyes unless
you've taken ecstasy. Bloodshot eyes, blissful smile, never goes anywhere without
ritual drum.
13. Fairie Queen
Is he a she? Is she a he? Are they a couple, or are those two a
couple or are all four of them a quadruple? If getting answers to these
questions could disturb you, best stay away. If, on the other hand,
these kind of questions seem overly judgmental, you might have a real good
time...
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: When you look at this person, does every
sex act you've ever experienced in your life seem hopelessly vanilla?
If so, congratulations -- you've found a Fairie!
14. High Episcopagan
Do their rituals have a script, a choreographer, a stage manager,
an orchestra with chorus and last at least three hours? It's a High
Episcopagan! They can memorize pages and pages of Olde Englishe, have
more ritual garbs than most people have socks, and consider their main
pagan influences to be Gerald Gardner, Judy Garland and Busby Berkeley.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Book of Shadows exceeds five volumes. Knows every
note of "Carmina Burana" Don't ask them about that 18th century seed
pearl trim on their ritual hat unless you've got an hour to spare.
15. Fundamentapagan
If it's in a book, it must be true. If it's in an old book, it
must _really_ be true. If it's in an old book that was handed down from
an oral tradition of people who couldn't read, then it must _really_ be
_way_ true. Gnashes their teeth if anyone shows up at a circle wearing
a watch, glasses, or other mechanical assistance. Believes that anyone
who lives in a city, eats meat or has a regular job dare not call
themselves a pagan.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Has hissy fits when somebody brings up
the old "Crowley ghosted Gardner's books" argument. Goes around correcting
everyone's gaelic/old norse/latin/babylonian.
16. Dances With Bunnyrabbits.
Uses animal symbolism to express nearly all opinions and
feelings. Charter member of PETA. Thinks meat eaters should be publicly
executed. Has many, many, many pets. Has a spirit animal. Personally
owns 927 models, pictures, and other depictions of their spirit animal.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Not counting the pagan his/herself, how many
animals can you see when looking at them? If the count surpasses five
(including critters found on tattoos, jewelry, garments and undies),
you've found a worshipper of beasties.
17. Priest/ess of Political Correctness
Analyzes everything they read or hear for sexist-racist-homophobic-
imperialist-Eurocentric content without paying attention to what is
actually being said. Believes in personal liberty -- everyone has the
right to be overbearing, dogmatic and holier-than-thou, not just the
Xtian Right. Incredibly boring yet annoyingly self-righteous all at the
same time.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Beady hyper-alert little eyes are
constantly in motion, waiting for someone to do or say something _bad_.
Has loud and attention attracting hissy fits when confronted with
everyday things such as advertising or corporate franchises.
Rudimentary sense of humor is rarely activated.
18. Our Lady Of Intense Suffering
Is constantly persecuted. You're probably persecuting her right
now, you just don't realize it. Became a Pagan because she decided it
was that most persecuted religion of all. Can't enjoy anything because it
would be selfish to have any fun when so many are suffering.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Tales of woe. Even less of a sense of humor than
#17. Bristles when anyone says the words "masochist" or "whining".
19. I Am Not Spock (at the moment)
Knows at least three filks about Cthulhu and at least forty Star
Trek jokes. Has found a clever way to create simple furniture from
stacks of science fiction paperbacks. Can name ninety different kinds of space
ship.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Two fisted drinking style. Probably still
lives with parents. Many cryptic buttons, badges, patches and other
insignia. Too smart for their own good.
20. Het-Case
Insist that they aren't homophobic; they just believe that
Paganism is about a goddess and a god and they do it and what could be
more obvious than that? It just doesn't "work right" if you try any
other way! Are secretly afraid that gays and/or lesbians are dying to jump
their tender hetro bones.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Living spaces abound
with depiction's of satyrs with enormous genitals and huge-breasted,
doe-eyed goddesses. Long manicured nails and wreaths of flowers (on females
_only_ -- men have big, bushy beards instead.)
21. Norse Code
Heroic and vikingly, these pagans often get into trouble with
festival organizers and park rangers due to their fondness for running
around with a huge battle-ax in one hand and a full mead horn in the
other. They throw the best parties, but if you're a wimp, you're
expressly not invited.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Look for the large,
foreboding, biker-like persons wearing runes, with many pounds of amber
dangling from their necks.
22. Pentacles, Inc.
Pagans have disposable income too, right? So how come they aren't
buying my hand forged Venus of Willendorf necklaces -- they come in
silver and gold, and each one has a genuine cubic zirconium belly
button. Would you like a reading? Will that be Visa or MasterCard?
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Has business cards featuring little embossed pentagrams. You
never seen so much Egyptian god/dess jewelry on a human being in your whole
life.
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