* The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
* If you smoke after sex, your doing it too fast.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
* We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
* The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
* Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.
* There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
* I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
* Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
* WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
* You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
* BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
* Jesus may love you, but he won't respect you in the morning.
* Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
* I need someone really bad... are you really bad?
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
* Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
* I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
* The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
* Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later.
* Give pizza chants.
* Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.
* This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.
* How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
* If something goes without saying, LET IT!
* If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
* Help wanted telepathy: you know where to apply
* Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
* IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
* Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole.
* Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
* Hang up and drive.
* WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep
* I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
* I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
* I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
* I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
* If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
* Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
* Mind Like a Steel Trap - Everything that goes in gets crushed and mangled
* Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
* If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
* 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
* Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
* When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
* If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
* Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
* I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
* How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
* Join the Army, meet interesting people and kill them.
* OK, so what's the speed of dark?
* Black holes are where God divided by zero.
* All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
* Life is sexually transmitted.
* Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
* It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
* It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
* The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
* If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
* Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
* Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
* When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
* If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
* The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
* There are two kinds of pedestrians-the quick and the dead.
* An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
* A closed mouth gathers no feet.
* Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
* Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

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