Their question about who would have missed me if I had died three years ago surprised me. I had never felt important to anyone so how could anyone have missed me. I was afraid I couldn't think of anyone and even more afraid of what I would feel if I could. Because I needed answers, I worked to find out who I was.

I am not surprised I coasted through life without encountering me because everyone around me, good and bad, told me who and what I was. Most of what I was told was not nice either. That Friday night I decided to stop being what everybody told me I was and be me, my own best friend. True friends accept you, warts and all. I knew that if I couldn't be my own friend and like me, no one else could either.

I discovered that I am special because I am the only one who can live my life and tell my story. Most of all, I was safe because the people there honestly cared about ME. Some part of me realized the "BE people" were real and I could be too. True, I am not the only child abuse and rape survivor in the world but I am the only "Pickles". Even if someone else has my same name, looks, and past, they do not have my feelings. I am special because God made me so. My perceptions and feelings make me different from everyone else.

Because of the messages and assaults I endured as a child and during my marriage, I accepted what others said and did to me to keep the peace and stay alive. I did this by acting and feeling according to the standards others set for me and denying my own need for love and acceptance.

This is harder to do than it sounds like. Honestly encountering me was actually quite hard. I was afraid I would find out I was exactly what everyone said I was and I couldn't accept that. If what I had always been told was true then I really was a bad person and of no use to anybody let alone myself. For me, that would be worse than death because it would mean I deserved, and caused, everything that had happened to me.

By facing and conquering my fears, and embracing my inner self, I discovered I am a good person. Sure, I made mistakes but they didn't destroy the world and they got fixed with God's help. Only, He fixed them without my knowing it, or even asking for it, because I always felt I was so bad that even God could not like me.

I am a concrete person and need examples so I found out who I am by looking at the influence of people and events in my life and my reactions to them. K told me the lessons that stick with you are the ones that are the most painful. True, but I feel I have learned a lot by looking at good things too.

I loved going to my grandparent's for the summer because they treated me and my older sister, C, with respect and dignity and we were not hurt there. We learned everyone does not hurt you. They helped me develop courage. C protected me and was my mother. C and I learned unconditional love and acceptance from each other. Our family was poor and she and I would walk down the road and sit on our neighbors' porch and watch television through the screen. That neighbor and the gypsy lady in France, were very kind to us and gave us juice and cookies.

From them I learned kindness and humility and how to accept things from others. I met my best friend, K, in a laundromat in Tennessee. From her I learned compassion, empathy, honesty, acceptance, and what a true friend really is.

Everyone around me reinforced my lessons of hate, anger, distrust, fear, and that I was bad. When C was 9 and I was 8, we taught Rover to chase the cows out of the pasture when we fed them so we could stay out of the house longer. It was our child's way of self-protection. Rover chased the cows out one day when our father was in one of his moods though. Our father made C go in the house and get his rifle and me hold Rover while he shot him. I learned no one, and no thing, was safe to love or treasure, not even a dog because someone always took them away.

As with most survivors, I have always been uncomfortable when things are unorganized or I was given a compliment but Rover's death made this worse. K told me it is normal for survivors to not be able to see their good points. It has only been since I have gotten to know myself that I can do that.

Conquering this fear has been my worst struggle in encountering myself. I got so many negative messages and was damaged so much as a child I truly felt I was a horrible person. Because of that, I always had to be in control. I felt that if I was I would be safe. So, I portrayed myself as a self-sufficient person who needed help from no one. It took a long time and a lot of effort to make my mask fit perfectly so I seldom took it off.

I also wore a mask of not needing anyone emotionally. I felt that if I needed someone, they would discover I was vulnerable and hurt me. To protect myself, I emotionally isolated from everybody. Another mask I wore was that I was happy. I knew if I seemed happy then everything would be okay.

My masks protected me but at the same time they kept everybody away from me. No one was allowed to know the real me. Some people, like K and my grandparents, forced their way inside my protective shell because they understood. Others, like the BE team, just waited and loved their way inside. I thank God for all of these people because I was a very lonely, scared and unhappy person before they came along. I still struggle with my masks when I feel people are getting to close to me but I now know it is my choice whether to wear them or not.

H, my former husband, was the center of my life for 20 years. I gave so much of myself to him that I had nothing left. When I realized that was what was happening five years before our divorce, I cautiously began removing my masks and becoming a person in my own right but it was too late. The die had been cast for me to be his image. I often blamed myself and said that if I had just been what H wanted we would still be married and I would not be going through this horrible pain. As I look back, I realize that if it had not been for my removing my masks I would have never met myself. That was a lonely feeling and I am glad I have been able to deal with it.

Most of the time that I have difficulty with my masks is when I look back on the losses in my life. I have learned that loss doesn't just deal with what was there but with what was hoped for and never gained. I hoped for parents who loved me and would never hurt me, a husband who not hurt me, and daughters who would stand by me in my old age.

These hopes never came true and their loss was too much to bear. In July of 1991, I gave up on life and almost completed a suicide attempt. It was at that point that I realized that I had to do something. That something was counseling, BE, getting to know myself from square one.

It was very hard for me to tell you these things about myself and even harder for me to admit them. I did it to help you see that everyone is human and influenced by the things and people in their lives and their personal feelings. Also to show you that feelings are not good or bad, they just are.

Please do not compare yourself to me. Your story is your story. No one is any better then you and you are no worse than anyone else is. We are all God's children and He loves us, warts and all. Because I have begun to accept that, I learn new things about myself everyday and am glad for it.