Now playing by Creschendo is..."Desperado".

My Insiders and Supporters (Alters)

My new T asked me if I had mapped out my alters. She asked me if I knew who they were and how they related. I have been putting this off quite a while now but I guess it is finally the right time to do it.

It took me a long time to accumulate this information. I compiled it through confirmations from outsiders and during therapy and journaling. No one can make up this type of information and stay straight about it unless it is true. Just as no one can make up the results and feelings that accompany multiplicity.

One confirmation of multiplicity is people knowing the multiple by a different name and giving details that only the two of them have in common. I encountered a classmate 25 years after graduation who remembers more about my parents' home and our senior year of high school than I do. My friend referred to me as Jenny who is one of my alters. It was hard for me to carry on a conversation with a person of which I had no memory of when she claimed we were best friends in high school. I felt like I was lying to my friend and could only give simple one or two word responses during our conversation.

Another confirmation is when people tell you that you react differently at different times. My youngest son knows when Teen is around and treats her like a peer rather than a mother. When Teen is not around, he interacts like a son with me. When he was sixteen, he told me that I was different from his friends' mothers because I was more like a friend than a mother at times. That was when I told him about my multiplicity.

Another confirmation is people feeling there is something strange or out of the ordinary going on with the multiple. When I was leading a group of peers on a divorce ministry week-end, my co-leader entered the room when I was standing in the middle of the floor talking to myself like a small child. This happened on the weekend Baby and Little Pickles integrated. It was nearly three years later that I was told of this incident. My "friends" felt there was something wrong with me and stayed up all night in intercessory prayer for me. This confirmation came at a time when I was questioning my diagnosis. It helped me put several things into perspective.

When I was in nursing school in 1980 my instructor used to tell me that I "moved to the beat of a different drum". I didn't understand what she meant at the time but it is kind of true. Sometimes when I am studying or in class and I read my notes I find Spanish notes and nursing notes mixed in with what I am doing. One little helped me take my mid-term in a class in graduate school and in the middle of my test paper there was a lot of stuff about a boat being in the middle of the ocean and she was scared. These, too, are confirmations.

These confirmations were in conjunction with smaller ones. The lesser ones included my finding writings in different styles in our joint journal; my becoming more aware of lost time; and recognizing personal actions and terminology common to multiples, although the language was unknown to me, the core. There were others that are too numerous, personal, or boring to disclose here but are known to singletons in my personal life.

So, who are these people, personalities, or alters? Well. I introduce them to you here.

First, there is me. That is the "Me" that I have been known, called, and referred to, by those who know me. I do not know if I really know the real me. For that matter, who truly knows their real me? I know I feel very envious of people who appear to have it all together. Sometimes I wonder if they are just putting up a front and I can not do the same thing. I feel like I should know the real me and realize I do not. For the sake of this personal review, we shall call me, the core, "Pickles". A core is person, or body, the world sees, interacts with, and knows.

Second, there are my two ISHes. I am very fortunate to have a primary and secondary ISH. An ISH is an Internal Systems Helper.

Older is twelve. She is very mature for her age and takes care of the lils inside. A lil is an alter, or partial alter, that is a child or child-like in nature. Older, our primary ISH, knows everyone inside, organizes the system and cares for the lils. She sits very straight, is quite calm under adversity, and is extremely mature. I was too young to remember when Older came. Along with her calm demeanor, her voice sounds very adult-like. She claims to need no one but takes pride in the fact that others need her. She is highly independent and feels a deep responsibility to help all the insiders, not only the lils. Bigs are alters who are mature and self-sustaining. Older does not want to become a Big because she is afraid her duties will end and is fearful of adults.

Jessica is twenty-five. She is actually an IP rather than an ISH. An IP is an Internal Protector. Jessica's main job is to protect the core. She is Cajun and has a very heavy French accent. She claims to be bi-sexual but has never acted on it and she definitely responds in a passionate manner to men. She is aggressive, determined, independent, and thrives on excitement and activity. She does not smoke although I do. Contrary to my personality, she is adventurous and outgoing. Jessica is tall and slim. She has black-hair, green eyes, and an olive complexion. She has expensive tastes in clothes and jewelry. Jessica displayed her intense pride one time by correcting a psychology professor's misconceptions about multiplicity.

Jessica and Older are the first alters that made themselves known to me, the host. They are the system's safety nets, protectors, and organizers. My bigs and my Lils are introduced on their own pages.

Thank you for trying to understand us. Pickles :-)

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