1. Describe your problem:
________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
________________________________________

4. Problem Severity:

    A. Minor__
    B. Minor__
    C. Minor__
    D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:

    A. Locked Up__
    B. Frozen__
    C. Hung__
    D. Shot__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__

12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
_______________________________________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? _______

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
__________________________________________

17. If `nothing' explain why you were logged in.
__________________________________________

18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel?
__________________________________________

20. Tell me about your childhood
__________________________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__

22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__

There was a nurse working in the hospital and she was what you would call "a disaster on two feet". She got all her tasks mixed up and she basically could not do anything right. The other hospital staff tried to give her only the simplest tasks that they thought could cause the least damage when not done correctly. Obviously this nurse was not very busy.

One day she was standing around again, waiting to cause havoc, when a doctor came to her. He gave her, what he thought was an extremely simple task to do, and then he walked away. He was only a short distance down the corridor when a naked male patient came charging past him. The patient had only a small towel in front of him and he was running for his life. The doctor stopped dead, watching as this nurse came charging after the patient with a big pot of boiling hot water in her hands.

It was then that the doctor screamed at the nurse :

"Nurse, nurse, I said 'PRICK his BOIL' !!!"

"Hey son, what's the hold up?" the guy asked.

"It's some crazy politician," replied the kid, "He's lying in the middle of the road and he's doused himself with petrol and is threatening to set fire to himself. We're taking up a collection for him. Would you like to donate mister?"

"How much have you got so far?" the guy enquired.

"Oh," said the kid, "about thirty boxes of matches and twenty-three lighters."

Our Brewer
Who art in Newlands
Hallowed be thy beer

Thy castle come
Thy Lion will be drunken - at home
As it is in shebeens

Give us this day our daily dop
And forgive us for drinking
Coke and Fanta
As we forgive those who drink
Tea and Coffee

Lead us not into soberness
But deliver us to the nearest
Bottlestore
For we are the Drinkers
The Drunkards and the Alcoholics
Forever and ever
Amstel

This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next to another guy.

"This is a nice place, I've never been here", the first guy says.

"Oh really?", the other replies, "it's also a very special bar". "Why is that?", the first guy asks.

"Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic." "Gee, that's amazing!", the first guy says.

"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."

"No way, that's impossible", the first guy replies.

"Not at all, take a look", the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.

"See, it's fun. You should try it", he says.

"Try it, I don't even believe I saw it!", the first man shouts.

"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again". And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.

"Give it a try, it's a blast", he says.

"Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try", the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10...20...30...40...50...60...70...80...90..100 feet and splat! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.

After watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink.

The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk".

A boy and his father visiting from a third world country were at a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father "What is this Father?". The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled in between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch ten circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

The woman cocked her ear "Quick it's my husband coming through the front door. Hide in the bathroom" she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.

"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.

"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she repled with a knowing smile.

"Great" he said "I'll just nip into the bathroom and will be with you in two shakes."

Before she could stop him he was into the bathroom where he found the lover clapping his hand in mid-air.

"Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.

"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths." the lover replied.

"But..but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband.

The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said "The little bastards."

Once a computer is infected, it will be TOO LATE. Your computer will begin to emit a vile ODOR. Then it will secrete a foul, milky DISCHARGE. Verily, it shall SCREECH with the tortured, monitor- shattering SCREAM of 1,000 hell-scorched souls, drawing unwanted attention to your cubicle from co-workers and supervisors alike. After violently ripping itself from the wall, your computer will punch through your office window as it STREAKS into the night, HOWLING like a BANSHEE. Once free, it will spend the rest of its days TORTURING household PETS and MOCKING the POPE.

Some filthy, disgusting miscreant ... some no-good, low-down, good-for-nothing DIRTY SNAKE, in twisted pursuit of her own sadistic dreams, is sending this virus across the Net via an e-mail entitled "Fast Cash". What is so terrifying about this virus is that you do not even to have to open the e-mail for it to activate. In fact, you do not even need to RECEIVE the e- mail. You do not even need to OWN a COMPUTER. "Fast Cash" can infect even minor HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES.

How it does this with straight ASCII code is, frankly, a matter of some debate ... but BELIEVE YOU ME, if this weren't a SERIOUS situation, we wouldn't be discussing it in ALL CAPS.

So for the LOVE OF GOD, show this site and e-mail all those you claim to care about, all those you purport to love.

Don't do it later! Do it NOW! Now! Now! NOW! NOW! NOW!

It has now been determined that the Fast Cash Virus operates equally busy under the following names :

Good Times
Free Money
$$$$ EASY $$$$
Books
Micro Soft

Of course there are lots of other names out there, and you must please add the names of those that you come accross.

It turns out that these so-called hoax viri are very dangerous after all.

Fast Cash will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave dirty socks on the coffee table when company comes over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.

Fast Cash will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.

It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Fast Cash, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.

It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

Fast Cash will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.

Fast Cash will cause your cakes to fall and your blood pressure to rise. It will increase the ability of your radio to pick up reactionary talk stations at the expense of others. It prevents scurvy, but it gives you mega garlic breath as it does so, which makes the net results negative. It cheats at Scrabble.

It can forge your signature. It plays the bagpipes in your basement. It shaves over your bathroom sink and then leaves the hair to clog your drain. It does bad celebrity impersonations in front of your friends.

1. The more confidential the memo, the more likely it will be left in the copy machine.
2. The new improved model always appears on the market just after you've bought the old model.
3. The person who suggests splitting the bill evenly is always the person who ordered the most expensive items
4. The chance of a sudden cloudburst is in direct proportion to the amount of suede your're wearing.
5. The novice poker player will always take home the pot
6. You always get sick on the second day of your vacation and always recover the day before you return to work.
7. The odd little noise you ignored all night will turn out to be a major disaster.
8. The only things super stick will bond successfully are your fingers
9. When a traffic light gets stuck, you will get the red.
10. If you aren't looking for something you've misplaced, then you're filing something you'll never be able to find.
11. "One size fits all" items will never fit you!
12. Your car insurance protects you from everything except what actually happens.