Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven- year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque.

"Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly,

"Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"

It was a mid-July day in Peoria, Illinois, and Johnny's mother had invited several of her friends over for dinner. Just before time to eat, she took Johnny aside and told him to say the blessing.

"But what'll I say, Mom?"

"Before we eat, you say what you've heard me say many times."

The boy stood with the other folks around the table and when his mother nodded to him, he said, "Good Lord... Oh Good Lord... why did I invite these people on a hot day like this?"

The minister, all fired up because of recent obvious problems of infidelity, shouted out, "I want everyone who has been he-ing and she-ing to stand up!" Half of his congregation stood up.

He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been he-ing and he-ing to stand up!" A couple of men stood up.

He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been she-ing and she-ing to stand up!" Several women stood up.

The minister looked over his congregation and noticed that everyone was standing except Little Johnny.

The minister shouted out, "Brothers and Sisters, look at Little Johnny, can he be the only one without sin? Little Johnny, stand up.....I guess you are the only one here who isn't preoccupied with sex and committing sins. What do you have to say!"

Little Johnny replied, "Reverend, you ain't said nothing about me-ing and me-ing!"

A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."

The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"

Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."

Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"

Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."

"Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"

Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "Because people are sleeping!"

Little Johnny went home early from school and started calling his mother and got no answer. He finally went upstairs and saw the bedroom door open a crack. When he peeked in, he saw his dad on the bed with the maid, so he quietly went outside and waited for his mother. When she showed up with some groceries, he said, "Mommy, Mommy, guess what I saw? I saw Daddy upstairs on the bed with the maid and they were ..."

His mother said, "Stop right there, Johnny. Wait until supper tonight when the maid is serving the meal. When I wink at you, then tell me the story."

At supper when all were seated and being served by the maid, she winked and Johnny began again.

"Mommy, when I got home from school early today, I was looking for you and saw Daddy on the bed with the maid. They were doing the same thing that I saw you and Uncle Phil doing at the cottage last summer."

A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked young Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss."

"Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?"

"He went blue and collapsed."