Moron
In the time when people worshipped idols and other things which make absolutely no sense, prophets and astrologers, both predicted a great leader that would reunite the thirteen tribes of Delhi under one God. His names was José, accompanied by his brother Stumpy, the wet back.

One day while José and Stumpy were out walking the bean field, before them appeared a flaming pot plant.

"José!" called a voice from the flaming plant.

"I think that the heat is getting to me!" said José to stumpy.

"José!" again the voice boomed from the fiery plant.

"Stumpy, I think that I need to sit down," José said.

"José, You damn Idiot! It's me Bob. Now listen to me. You must travel to the dreaded city of Springfield where the Delhianites are being forced to be slaves for the Pharaoh. Free the Delhianites and then I will bestow upon you the laws of Bob," explained Bob as the flaming pot plant disappeared.

Immediately, José and Stumpy left for Springfield. They Passed through the evil town of Clements, but they blinked and missed it. As their journey slowly neared the end, they encountered a strange person. The man had long hair and was dressed all in black.

"Hi, traveler!" said José.

"Kiss off!" replied the mysterious man.

"Who are you, where are you headed, and where are you from?" asked José.

"I am your worst nightmare! I'm from Redwood Falls. And I'm going back to Redwood after kicking some Springfield ass," answered the stranger. "My friends call me Metalhead, but I have no friends."

"Would you accompany us to Springfield?" José asked Metalhead.

"Sure, Kicking more ass would be great!" responded Metalhead.

So the trio continued the voyage to Springfield. Finally, they entered the horrible, disease infested town of Springfield. Upon entering they were taken prisoner by two fat gate guards armed only with their own body odor. They were forced to walk to the Sacred Grain Bin of the Pharaohs, where the Pharaoh, King Shitdick, sits upon his royal, fat, lazy, lard ass complaining about the weather. José, Stumpy, and Metalhead were placed before King Shitdick.

"Release the Delhianites from slavery or I shall bring forth the seven plagues of Bob upon you!" José instantly demanded.

"No. I don't want to," whined the pharaoh.

"Then the plagues shall begin!" commanded José.

For the next week, plagues destroyed the town of Springfield, one each day. On day one, there was a very heavy rain of mayonnaise, that flooded the town. On day two, a great odor of vomit filled the town, growing worse with every hour. On day three, the town was invaded by ugly, overweight women, with PMS, that grew worse by the hour, and the munchies. On day four, a huge fart ripped through the town, destroying all except the Sacred Grain Bin of the Pharaohs. On day five, all that was on T.V. was I Love Lucy reruns. On day six, hundreds of horny dogs ran through the town, humping peoples' legs. Finally, on the seventh day, all the people of Springfield had constant diarrhea which grew worse with each passing hour, forcing them to sit on the pot for the whole day.

After the seven plagues ended, José was taken before the Pharaoh again. José again demanded for the Delhianites to be released, but the Pharaoh again refused because the plagues had brought him great pleasure.

"If you do not free the Delhianites, I shall cast five curses upon your city," threatened José as he scratched his crotch.

"Okay, I shall free the Delhianites, but Metalhead must stay and be punished for his crimes against Springfield," replied Shitdick.

The Delhianites were released from their prison cells and began their journey home.

"Now leave Springfield and never return," commanded King Shitdick. "Well, if you are going to be an ass about it. May the five curses be cast upon you for eternity. The curses are as follows: 1) All males born in Springfield shall be born with the third sex organ. 2) All women shall be ugly, fat, and smell bad. 3) Springfield is condemned to be a hick town. 4) Redwood Falls and Springfield shall forever be at war. 5) Springfield shall smell like week-old unrefrigerated mayonnaise," said José.

So, José, Stumpy, Metalhead, and the Delhianites fled from Springfield to the holy land of Delhi. On the way, they walked through Clements, but they all blinked and so they missed it.

Suddenly, one of the Delhianites yelled from the back, "King Shitdick and his hick army is following us!"

"How do you know?" asked José.

"Can't you smell them?" replied the Delhianites.

They all ran until they came to the shore of Lake Redwood. José raised his arms and prayed to Bob, "Open Ses-a-me!" Just then, the lake divided leaving a slimy, smelly path of crud to walk across. Quickly they traveled to the other side, just as the Springfield army came into view. When they reached the other side, King Shitdick and his army were halfway across. José again prayed to Bob, "Close ses-a-me!" And the toxic waters of Lake Redwood crashed down upon the Springfieldians, transforming them into mutant carp.

They continued their journey towards Delhi. After about an hour of walking, the Delhianites began complaining about being hungry. Five minutes went by and José got annoyed by the whining, so he asked Bob for some food. Instantly, a down pour of croutons fell from the sky. All praised Bob for just being a nice guy. After eating enough croutons to last for years, they finally walked to Delhi. Once they got to there, the rulers of Delhi once again took their place on the thirteen thrones.

That night José had a dream. He dreamt that Bob came to him and told him to sacrifice Stumpy. When he awoke the next morning, he took Stumpy out to a cornfield. He raised his beanhook, ready to kill Stumpy. Suddenly, Bob appeared.

"Stop!" commanded Bob just as José started swinging the beanhook "Do not kill Stumpy. I was just testing your faith in me, and I am pleased. You shall now receive the Bobmandments."

As Bob commanded, two large slices of bread appeared at José's feet. On the slices of bread were, written in mold, the following Bobmandments:



1) Do not worship any other false gods besides me.

2) Remember Bobmandment #1.

3) You shall be slack in your religion.

4) Honor your plants and vegetation.

5) Never underestimate the power of a short, fat, bald guy.

6) Sacrifice cows in the park.

7) Only you can prevent forest fires.

8) Thou shall not fart in front of Bob.

9) Sacrifice all refuse to Bob.

10) When nature calls, please answer it.

11) Thou shall covet anything thou desire.

12) Never pay a lot for a muffler.

13) Thou shall not drop your pants and run around town yelling, "The British are coming! The British are coming!" While eating flaming Yellow Zonkers on a Friday.

14) Thou shall call me Ray, or thou shall call me Jay, But ya don't, ya doesn't hafta call me dude.

15) Thou shall wipe after every dump.

16) If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie.

17) Never piss off a Bobtist Monk. They will shred your body and feed it to the local cops at a neighborhood barbecue.

18) Thou shall do me in the morning, thou shall do me in the night, thou shall do me when you wanna do me.

19) Thou shall stop saying thou shall.

20) Women are weak and inferior.

21) There shall never be any female Bobtist Monks, for they would just fuck it up.



José took the Bobmandments back to Delhi where they were taught to and followed by the Delhianites, and then everything was Smurfy.

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