Schizophrenia Blues

The first-born is a strong cache of memories
I remember the first time I lost you for a while
When you sat before me but only in body
I remember the first time you uttered those foul words
You told me you were the son of a slut
Was it me?

I remember your incessant conversations
They grew deep
They grew macabre
Was I so unkind that you let your voices distort me?
Was I so unloving that you annihilated my very self
I tried to help you
But you could not listen to me
The voices commanded your attention
Those cruel people of your imagination
I cried out from my very soul
Hear me,
Listen to me, please listen to me
I love you
Let me help you
You could not hear my voice
For they flooded your mind with filth and abuse

I was forced to watch you disintegrate
Every day you slipped a little further away
You were descending into that dark abyss
I did everything to save you
Deaf ears were many
My voice unheard
Yet, your voices were loud and clear
They did not go unheard

I loved you so much
That it hurt
The screaming inside of me never stopped
I begged, I pleaded, I prayed
All in vain
The voices took you away from me
Their life was yours
Your life was theirs

No peace, no silence even for an hour
As you sat in darkened rooms
Listening, for ever listening
All I could do was cry
Did my tears heal you?
No, they did not

You are a possessive mother said the doctor
Am I
Perhaps I am
Am I
No, I am not
A mother is forever watchful
A mother forever loves
A mother nurtures and sets her off-springs free

Dam you all
I asked you to help my son
To save my son
To give him back his life
You gave me a prescription for hopelessness
A pitiful Freudian diagnosis
Five long years of torture
I would have given you my life
If that was to be the price for my sons salvation
Is that the definition of possessiveness?
The time came when I could not listen
The time came when I could not look
I hid myself in the darkest corners
Afraid for you my son
Afraid of you my son
Despair and hopelessness were my constant companions
They held me tight
They caressed my soul
They gouged my heart
They tried, they tried

Arrogance and ego walk hand in hand
Nevertheless, they did not take you with them
For I raised my voice, I became your voice
Finally, they heard me
I held on to you my son
Life of my life
Birthed from my body

As a mother and a giver of life

Mairi Tognin ©