Flying

Flying...

Top Nine Signs You Have a Bad Airline Pilot:
Joke
Actual stories told by travel agents.

Top Nine Signs You Have a Bad Airline Pilot:

9. You overhear him say on the intercom "Hey, Pedro, What's this gizmo do?"
8. For the past two hours, you've been going straight up
7. He says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 40 feet"
6. When you take off he yells, "Weeeeeeeeee!"
5. At some point he announces, "Screw Chicago, Let's go find that Mars observer!"
4. He's wearing a Domino's Pizza uniform
3. Over P.A. you hear, "Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh"
2. As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who drove your cab to the
airport
1. Keeps referring to the control tower as "Mommy"

The Pilots One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated,
waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co pilot
finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center
aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right
and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their
eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke.
However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down
the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves
and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are
praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are
becoming more and more hysterical.

Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the
pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts
off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know,
one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

The following are actual stories told by travel agents.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation
in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not
possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. > I looked
on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she
asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the
flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you
look stupid but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid
one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."
Her response... click.

A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list,
none of which I could find I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of
hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans
was a suburb of LA Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.

I got a call from a man who asked, "is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No."
He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I
noticed he had a one-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he
said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save
time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit
left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour
ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her
the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know
who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked
in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there
any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually
laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was
just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked
him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of
these planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked
if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China.
After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't,
I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure
enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four
times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut. When I explained that
the inn was fictional, the customer became very irate and insisted "I know it is real, I see
people check in every week!"

Also, I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up
by being near the window.

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The
agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked "Are you sure that's the name of the
town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent
came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't
find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where
it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered,
"You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

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