Bank Speak

"Good morning, Irene. How are you this fine day?"

"Why, I'm just fine thank you, what can I do for you this morning?"

"Well, I would like to transfer some money into my NOW account. First, though, would you be able to call up a current balance?"

"Of course, Mr. Davis, and what is that account number?"

"There you are, your current balance -- not including any outstanding checks, of course, is $1,101.23."

"Fine, then I would like to make this deposit of twenty seven hundred and fifty dollars into that account."

"Very well, Mr. Davis, let me just see. . . . Now you know, Mr. Davis, that this is a cash deposit and I will have to place a thirty day hold on these funds."

"What do you mean a thirty day hold?"

"Well, a thirty day hold means that we will credit this amount to your account today but you will not have access to it for thirty business days. . . let's see, that hold will come off on, er, December 11th."

"But today is the 28th of September! You mean that I can't use this money until December 11th?"

"Well, yes, and yes."

"And why is it that you are holding my money for thirty days?"

"Well, Mr. Davis, you may have heard on the news lately, that there are an awful lot of counterfeit twenty dollar bills going around these days and it usually takes about thirty days for your bills to clear the authentication proceedings at our regional office."

"But I don't have any twenty-dollar bills here."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Davis, but it is simply bank policy. It's not my choice but I just have to do what they say I have to do. 'Just doing my job, you know'."

"Who's 'they'?"

"Why, er, the bank. The directors!"

"The Feds?"

"Er, yes, the Feds!"

"But how am I going to use my account between now and December 11th?"

"December 12th, Mr. Davis, the hold doesn't come off until the 11th, we wouldn't want to bounce any checks now, would we?"

"You mean to say that you would bounce a check against my deposit?!"

"Well, yes, I mean you would be presenting the check against insufficient funds, after all. That's what a thirty day hold means, Mr. Davis. You have your money in your account but you can't use any of it for the thirty days."

"And would I be charged for your returning my check?"

"Oh, my! Most certainly, Mr. Davis! Presenting a check against insufficient funds is a major no, no. We would of course, debit your account the $20 service charge in that instance."

"You wouldn't cover my check but you would debit my account for not honoring it?!"

"Well, yes, after all, you do have twenty seven hundred and fifty dollars there -- we would be able to effect that debit immediately."

"But what if the check were only for, say, fifteen dollars?"

"Thirty days is thirty days, Mr. Davis."

"But December 11th! That's so far away!"

"Twelfth."

"December twelfth. . . what do I do until then?"

"Well, Mr. Davis, if you'd like, we can give you a cash advance on your Visa or Mastercard account and that way we could keep you moving right along on track. Then, on December twelfth you would have all of that deposit available for your Christmas shopping!"

"But I don't want an advance on my credit card. I just want to work with my money."

"I understand, Mr. Davis, so do we, but I'm afraid that there really is no other way. This is, after all, bank policy."

"Well, I suppose, if there's no other way around it I might as well get an advance. You did say Visa? Didn't you?"

"Yes, Mr. Davis, VISA is just fine. If you'll just wait a moment while I fill out this form. . . . Now how much is it that you wanted Mr. Davis?"

"Well, I suppose twenty five hundred would be OK."

"Fine, if you'll just sign here, we'll be all set. Great. OK, here we are. . . twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, one hundred, twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, two; twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, three; twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, four; twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, five; twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, six; twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, seven; twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, eight; twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, nine; twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, one thousand; twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, eleven; twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, twelve; twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, thirteen; twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, fourteen; twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, fifteen; twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, sixteen; twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, seventeen; twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, eighteen; twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, nineteen; twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, two thousand; twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, twenty one; twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, twenty two; twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, twenty three; twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, twenty four; and twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, twenty-five! There you are Mr. Davis, twenty five hundred dollars. Please make sure of the count."

"No, no, it's fine. I was counting along too. Now if you will just process this deposit slip, I'll be on my way."

"Certainly, Mr. Davis. Now that's a cash deposit of twenty five hundred dollars into your account and, oh, by the way Mr. Davis, you know that there is a thirty day hold placed on all cash deposits at this bank. That means that while your deposit will be credited to your account today, you won't be able to draw on those funds until -- let's see, uh, December 11th, er, twelfth."

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