Here are a few of my favorite jokes...Of course, most are not suitable
for children. If you'd like to check out one of my favorite places for
jokes, go to: Thriveonline.com
Three women were in
a bar talking about their husbands and how they made
love. The first woman
said, "My husband is a psychologist, and before we
make love, he brings
me flowers and candy. I like that." The second woman
proclaimed, "My husband
is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, but
really tunes my engine;
I like that!" The third woman replied, "Well my
husband works for
Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed
and tell me how good
it's going to be, when I finally get it..."
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In France, the young
assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory; that is
reserved for the Pastor
and his housekeeper.
One day the pastor
invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at
the rectory. While
being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and
lovely the housekeeper
was and down deep in his heart he wondered if there
was more than just
a professional relationship between the pastor and the
woman.
After the meal was
over, the middle aged pastor assured his young assistant
that everything was
purely professional. That she was the housekeeper and
cook and that was
all.
About a week later
the housekeeper came to the pastor and said "Ever since
we had that new young
assistant to dinner I have not been able to find the
silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose he took it, do you?"
The Pastor said "Well,
I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter." So he sat down
and wrote "I'm not
saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying
you did not
take the gravy ladle, but the fact remains that it has been
missing since you
were here for dinner.
The young assistant
received the letter, and he answered as follows: "Dear
Pastor, I'm not saying
that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not
saying you do not
sleep with the housekeeper. But the fact remains that if
you slept in your
own bed you would have found the gravy ladle by now!"
---------------------------
Three couples, an
elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young
newlywed couple wanted
to join a church. The pastor says, "We have
special requirements
for new parishioners. You must abstain from having
sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed
and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor
goes to the elderly
couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for
the two weeks?"
The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations, then and welcome to the church." said the pastor.
The pastor goes to
the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able
to abstain from sex
for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The
first week was not too bad. The second week I had
to sleep on the couch
for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor.
The pastor then goes
to the newlywed couple and asks, `Well, were you
able to abstain from
sex for two weeks?"
"Well Pastor, we were
not able to go without sex for the two weeks" the
young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching
for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it.
When she bent over
to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took
advantage of her right
there."
"You understand, of
course, this means you will not be welcome in our
church", stated the
pastor.
"That`s OK", said the
young man, "We`re not welcome at Safeway anymore
either."
--------------------------------
The bus stops and two
Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage
in animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores their
conversation at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of
the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den
I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come
again. Two asses,
dey come together again. I come again and pee twice.
Den I come-a one-a
more time."
"You foul-mouthed swine,"
retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country
we don't talk about
our sex lives in public!."
"Hey, lady",
the man replie,. "Imma justa teachin' my fren' how to spella
'Mississippi' !"
---------------------------
Mr. Smith got himself
a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very
polite.
One day while taking
dictation, she noticed his fly open. When leaving the
room she said, "Mr.
Smith, your barracks door is open."
He did not understand
her remark, but later on he happened to look down
and saw that his zipper
was open. He decided to have some fun with his
secretary. Calling
her in he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw
my barracks door open
this morning, did you notice a soldier standing
smartly at attention?"
The secretary thought
a moment and then replied sadly, "Why no, sir, all I
saw was a little disabled
veteran sitting on two old wrinkled duffel bags."
-----------------------------
Just as the airplane
is about to take off, a lawyer learns that his seatmate
is a computer whiz.
The lawyer is tired; he just wants to take a
nap on the plane.
The computer guys say, "Hey, do you want to play a
game, kind of like
trivia, to pass the time?"
The lawyer explains
that no, he doesn't, he just wants to take a nap. The
computer whiz says,
"But this is really interesting: here's how it works. You
ask me a question,
and if I can't figure out the answer, I'll pay you five
dollars. Then I ask
you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you
pay me five dollars."
The lawyer, noticing
that the fellow was armed with a laptop, and really
just wanting to take
that nap declined. The computer guy then said, "I'll tell
you what. You ask
me the question, and if I can't figure out the answer, I'll
pay you FIFTY dollars.
And if I ask you a question you don't know, you
just pay me the same
five dollars."
The lawyer, thinking
that he's never going to get to sleep here, says "All
right. What goes up
the hill on three legs, and down the hill on four legs?"
and then puts his
head over against the window of the airplane and closes
his eyes.
The computer guy thinks
very hard, looks very puzzled, can't come up with
the answer, looks
very frustrated, and then grabs the laptop. He fires up the
laptop, searches the
encyclopedia on the hard drive, searches the
knowledge database
also installed, even searches the dictionary and the
spell checker in the
word processor, and can't come up with it. The whiz
then grabs the Airphone
from out of the seat in front of him, attaches the
phone to the laptop,
and logs onto the internet: he searches everywhere for
an hour, and can't
come up with it. He finally, very frustrated now, takes a
fifty-dollar bill
out of his wallet, nudges the lawyer awake, and says, "Here.
I just don't
know the answer."
The lawyer says "Thank
you", and leans his head back against the airplane
window, and closes
his eyes. The whiz says, "WAIT A MINUTE! What
DOES go up the hill
on three legs and down the hill on four legs?"
The lawyer opens one
bleary eye, takes a five dollar bill from his pocket,
hands it to the other
man, leans back against the window, and goes back to
sleep.
--------------------------
A tourist in Vienna is going
through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears
some music. No one
is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin
and finds it is coming from a grave with a
headstone that reads: Ludwig
van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that
the music is the Ninth Symphony
and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he
leaves the graveyard and
persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back
at the grave, the music has changed. This time it
is the Seventh Symphony,
but like the previous piece, it is being played
backward.
Curious, the men agree to
consult a music scholar. When they return with the
expert, the Fifth Symphony
is playing, again backward. The expert notices that
the symphonies are being
played in the reverse order in which they were
composed, the 9th, then
the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word
has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave.
They are all listening to
the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's
caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the
crowd asks him if he has
an explanation for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"
-------------------------------
Cinderella wants
to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't
let her. As
Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother
appears, and
promises to provide Cinderella with everything she
needs to go
to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must
wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees.
"What's the second condition?"
"You must be
home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will
turn into a
pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.
The appointed
hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.
Finally at 5
a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and "very"
satisfied. "Where
have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your
diaphragm was supposed
to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. And he took care of everything."
"I know of no
prince with that kind of power! What was his name?"
"I can't
remember, exactly . . . Peter Peter...something or other. . . "
----------------------------
A young ventriloquist is
touring the South and stops to entertain at a bar
in Texas.
He's going through his usual
stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy
in the audience stands up
and says "I've heard just about enough of your
smartass hillbilly jokes;
we ain't all stupid here in the South, you know!"
Flustered, the ventriloquist
begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up,
"You stay out of this mister,
I'm talking to the smartass little fella on your
knee!"
-----------------------------------
From the "Times They Are A'Changing Department:
Two young girls were playing
when one of them exclaimed , "Look
there's a condom on the
veranda!"
And the other girl asked, "What's a veranda?"
-----------------------------------
Ma and Pa are sitting on
the front porch swing, rocking.
Pa says to Ma, "Screw you Ma."
A minute goes by, and Ma says to Pa, "Screw you Pa."
Again, a minute goes by, and Pa says to Ma, "Screw you Ma."
Another minute goes by, and Ma says to Pa, "Screw you Pa."
Yet another minute goes by, and Pa says to Ma, "Screw you Ma."
A minute later, Ma says to Pa, "Screw you Pa."
A couple of minutes go by,
and Pa says to Ma, "I don't know about
you Ma, but I just don't
get too much out of this oral sex stuff!"
---------------------------------
Three couples were
traveling together and came to this town at dark
and needed a
place to sleep for the night. There was only one hotel and
it had only two rooms,
each with a king-size bed. They decided to put the
men in one room and the
women in the other.
Around midnight, Ben awoke
with a bigger hard-on than he had ever had. He
woke George and said, "I'm
gonna sneak into the girls' room, 'cause this
hard-on I got is bigger
and harder than any I've ever had before and I want to
use it."
George thought about this
for a moment and said, "Okay, sounds good, I'll go
with you".
Ben said, "Hell no, I'm going alone."
To which George replied, "Well, then you'd better let go of my penis!"
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