Dear AMS,
     As we all know, the earth will hurtle out of its orbit towards the sun in a few decades and when it does, life will change for those of us that are still barely alive.  I hear that the word "flannel" will completely disappear from the English language (although, oddly enough, a "wool ski mask" will be a fashion rage) and that the highest compliment you can pay someone would be to say they're "nicely charred", "leathery" and "peeling evenly".  Any advice on how to look and stay cool?-- Jibberish in Ohio

Dear Jibberish,
    I see you've been reading up on this and I commend you for it. All true! I'll let you in on my plan for staying cool. I'll be freezing myself in a block of ice up to my earlobes with only a small mouth and nose opening. I want my ears and eyes free for hearing and seeing and of course I want to be able to style my hair. But how will I manage without my arms free? I'll use a straw and just blow my hair into place.

Dear AMS,
     Besides mischievous leprechauns, evil gnomes and rabid trolls, what else does "Magic Pixie Dust" ward off?  I found some in my attic but can't seem to read the label.  How about accountants?  Any advice?-- Jibbering around

Dear Jibbering,
     If you can't read the label it may possibly be expired. But sometimes it doesn't go bad, it just loses potency. In that case you won't be able to chase off telephone solicitors, but it should still take care of vampires, werewolves and zombies (of which accountants are akin to ) . Here's another fun thing to try, too...make a vanilla  pixie dust shake! Ingesting the dust yourself will make you feel like a little dancing, cheeky leprechaun and won't that amuse the neighbors as you say such clever things as, "I'll make you kiss my blarney stone" and "I'm here to collect my stolen pot o' gold!" and "Rub my belly and you'll get a bit o' the Irish luck, my bonnie lass!". You can check your local resale shops for used leprechaun suits so this doesn't have to cost you and arm and a leg. Enjoy!

Dear AMS,
     I just read that the number one pollutant of our oceans is whale diarrhea.  Something about too much kelp.  Any advice to our whale listeners out there?  --Cap'n Ajib

Dear Cap'n
    You know whales are so large, Earth's biggest beasts in fact, that you can't tell them much! Ha! My best suggestion is for humans to avoid deep sea diving and surfing  near whale 'pastures'. And to our whale listeners I would have to say.. [read tonal sound 432 for 17 seconds stop/ read tonal sound 19 for 3 seconds stop/ read tonal sound 214 for 2 min 11 seconds stop/ read tonal sound 390 for 14 seconds stop] ...because hey 'you've got a lot of living to do!'
 

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