20reasonsgymUnNamed



		14 reasons why you should never join a gym

	1 They're never called gyms You might call it a gym, but they call it a fitness centre or a health suite, and it will not be called Jim's Gym or Smethwick Gymnasium, it will be called Busy Bodies, muscle Parlour or Sweat Shop, or worse, something like New Age Solutions, Think Fit or Groovy Cloud. If this all sounds a bit 1980s, it's because it is a bit 1980s. 2 What do you look like? All gyms require you to wear "white-soled shoes". Fair enough. But it's from the ankles up that disaster strikes. Because assistents in all sports shops are Nazis you will be forced to pick up the first t-shirt and tracksuit you see and run out (first bit of exercise). You end up looking like the lazy person who falls into the exercise-stop, put on weight-start exercise again-looking on the way to a fit body-stop, put on weight, etc, etc. Everybody else in the gym, will, naturally, look as if they have been poured into a Lycra tube. These people never sweat either. 3 It's another world Imagine how tiny and anixious you felt on your first day of school. Then multiply it by how off-putting you imagine the Freemasons to be. Congratulations! You are ready to join the arcane, surreal world of the gym. 4 The receptionist Working the front desk in a leisure centre requires none of the smiling 'How may I help?' beneficence of the conventional receptionist. Indeed, looking up from their Cleo/Ralph magazine constitutes as "going that extra mile". On your way into the gym, you really need your membership card being sniffed at by a 19 year old dropout in a hairband who thinks you are old and fat. 5 The music Do you like house music? Good. And do you like it too loud to think but - oddly - not quite loud enough to cover the rattle and whine of five treadmills going at once? It's like being in a gay disco with terrible lighting and everybody facing the same direction being too damn scared to look at eachother. 6 The machines We all understand the exercise bike (sorry, Pulse-Cycle). Let me at it! A bike which is glued to the ground. Modern gym technology means that simple weight-lifting is now done via huge, strap in, contraptions called Lat-Pull, Chest-Streach, Versa-Climb and Ab-Squeeze. At the end of the film Aliens, Sigourney Weaver was toning her lower plexus 7 It's like a locker room in here Are they waiting to get on the leg-curl? Or are they just, like, watching? 8 It hurts Modern gyms are awash with mitivational slogans and massages: REMEMBER - ENJOY YOURSELF! THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS PROBLEMS - ONLY SOLUTIONS! WORK WITH A FRIEND! Afetr 15 minutes on the Step-UP, these words spookily change to DO YOU THINK YOU CALVES ARE SUPPOSED TO FEEL LIKE THAT? YOU COULD BE IN BED! and YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN NOW! 9 The TVs They always have one TV on the 'Work Out' cable channel. Trying to inspire you with tall, leggy blondes with washboard stomachs and toned bodies. They never show the fat man who sweats 24/7 the corner doing 2.5km on the treadmill. 10 It's like a holiday camp How do you win the Exerciser Of The Week Award that's always stuck on the notice board anyway? Do they have nominations? Is it first-past-the-post? Is their prize money? 11 Mothers Session (Weekdays 9-11am) The creche is open and the gym is full of mothers. Whoops! Timed your visit badly again! You'll never get on the rowing machine now! 12 You'll catch your death Mmm, nice jog to the car with soaking wet hair after an hour of rubbing other people's sweat in you face is just what the doctor ordered. 13 It actually doesn't work See those really fit looking body builder types who always seem to have the weight lifting machines set on 85kg while you can only do 1.5kg? They don't need to come here and you will always look like Mr Bean. 14 What the point of getting fit when we're all going to die at some point anyway? What the hell - it's kebabs, beer and Jerry Springer all round!!
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