20 reasons why you should never travel by plane...

Yes, yes, I know, it's really hard to read this with the current background. Jjust higlight the words as you go - it makes it much easier.

1 Jet lag
Once in the air, or "off the earth", time effectivly stands still - or runs around in little circles until it's sick. Choose to traverse the globe by either a) flying against time, or b) flying alongside it, but in a kind of race, is an open invitation to have your brain fucked with (and wake up with a start at 3.45am for a week afterwards with a dry mouth). Just remember, jet lag is not transit fatigue, but punishment for meddling with God.
2 Overhead lockers
Heed the warnings all you like, but until hand baggage laws are tightened, one small child will always get lamped with a breifcase/ surfboard/ stainless steal saucepan/ hod of bricks/ tuba when the idiot in seat 37G flips the dreaded catch in order to get his biro to fill in the immigration form.
3 Cabin staff
Whilst operatives in all other areas of transport comprise merry, motley bunch of every age and size, there is - geneticists are saying - a tendency towards air hostesses being non-academic Boat Show blondes with orange faces and air stewards being over-attentive faces of Alan Partridge. What, pray, are the airlines trying to cover up with this airbrushed pagent of niceness?
4 Airline magazines
Hot Air. High Life. Wing It. Fly Paper. Fusel Age. How can all of them been voted Airline Magazine Of The Year?
5 Swollen feet
Like an airborne coach party of old ladies, your feet swell up like balloons. Like, you can afford the foot space.
6 First Class
Rumour has it, they give you complementary money but how shall we in Economy/Standard/Coach/Football/ Meat Class ever know?
7 The pilot
"This is your captain speaking. I'd like to welcome you aboard Qantas flight 763 to some horrible destination that's been described as a haven in your travel brochure. Hah hah! Sucked in, it's cold and misirble. We sincerly apoligise for the slight 4 hour delay, but it's quite nice were we get to stay" Shaaaaaaaaat up! I just wanna listen to my Discman!
8 No Discmans, walkmans, mobile phones or GameBoys
Now if there's one fucking place...
9 Toilets
A reluctatnt visit to the airless telephone box that houses the ferocious, arse-sucking blue dragon is only ever the last starw on a long haul (slight four hour visit to the Ye Olde Gatwick Bull & Bush to blame), after all, who wants to see themselves in a brightly-lit mirror in the middle of the sky?
10 Tiny triangle of cheesecake
Never mind florid talk of "cheese selection" and "Thai-style chicken in a coriander and lemon grass waistcoat" , whichever way you cut airline food (and with that doll's knife, you'll be lucky if you emboss it), it's still tiny triangles of varistach under plastic lids. the Mir space station serves better (and you can piss in your own trousers there)
11 The plastic cutlery
When dinner is some sort of meat (which frankly looks and tastes like a car tyre) what's the bloody points of the bendy, can't-even-slice-through mashed potato knife and a fork where the prongs brake the minute you plunge it into the mashed potato?
12 Kevin Kline
Hey, what's the in-flight movie? Wacky Family Comedy [G] starring Kevin Kline. We could watch it three times!
13 Other passengers
Air travel would merely be a lengthy discomfort were it not for the other 399 other people on the plane who a) slow down the disembarking/embarking process, b) have babies, c) walk up and down the ailes in socks like mental patients, d) ask what you do for a job (I'm only bloody 15) and e) undo their seatbelts (KER-LICK!) even though the plane hasn't come to a complete standstill, the rebels.
14 The wings
Sitting "over the wings" is reckoned to be safe. Really? You watch them judder at 35,000 like the finest handwork of Lord Airfix, and you'll soon be wondering about the reliability of the "landing gear"
15 Your ears pop
Ooh! That can't be healthy, can it?
16 Safety demonstration
"In the unlikely event of any imminent collective death, an oxygen mask will automatically drop down in front of you. for all the good it'll do at this stage, you may as well wear it as a little yellow hat"
17 Airports of the world
Who needs Quentin Tarantino in order to re-live the 70's?
18 Taking Off
Most likely time of pilot error or mechanical failure, apparently.
19 Landing
Second most likely (not counting the bit in between)
20 Oh my God! We're all going to die in a fiery metal coffin!
Ah, no. It's statisically far more likely that you'll get hit by a runaway camel or choke on a member of Hanson.

start
all about me
my cousin ariana
males
my diary
music
photos
bored
mcmurder
mclies
mcgarbage
mchunger
quote of the moment
oliver/olivier
this is girl power
food of the fortnight
the bill
prince harry
sam harker
& rod skase
links
lists