March 1-4 2000
as you can tell a girl could not get here once again to write her daily entries..*sighs*..been too busy but..well now a girl is going to try to explain the past few days..for they have been a rough one..
March 1 was suppose to be the day a girl talked to Master and waited all night for his call..it was suppose to make things right and straighten things and doubts she had...although she never did get the call..because of that she was left hurt, confused, lost..it was like all her doubts came true...and she was wondering through her mind..why would he be so cruel.
when the next day..after a whole night waiting for a call that never came she met up with a face from the past..sylvi..geeze has been too long since she has seen her...and missed her completely...she felt that was another one who left her..for she put her trust in her sister..and although her sister chose to leave Master...never thought she would leave this girl as well..but in talking to her once again..seems..both of us..ignitied each others doubts...we both fueld the flames..until the point where she was FURIOUS with Master..yes...i was completely angry with him...that she wanted answers and she wanted them NOW...when she did see him online..he chose to ignore her...*sighs*...that was how paranoid she was..that he was ignoring her..knew he was at work...but couldnt he have even said a hello?..well when she finally did get a chance to talk to him..she blew up to him..*sighs*..blew up on her own Master..and knew she fucked things up badly..especially since Mistress Trilunna was there as well...but he left to go home..and she knew..that this one made errors beyond repair.
the next day..when she finally got a chance to talk to Master...she realized how truly hurt he was..he was not only hurt..but angry, frustrated, cold..was like a person she has never seen before..but he made a girl realizes so many things oh god..she was so blind and stupid..but most of all a he did punish a girl..no longer can she refer to herself as taylara_noviya_HG..she is now sleen_bait_HG...*shudders*..yes her new name is bait...at least a girl is honored to have a name and will wear it proudly..knowing it is going to get great hostility from not only the Free woman but other slaves as well....and well it is hard that already she is having trouble with her friends who refuse to call her sleen_bait...they insist upon calling her tay..which is hard..for they are going over her Masters head, as well..as going over his authority over a girl..*sighs*..not easy...
so now she is sleen bait...hard for sometimes she does slip calling herself tay..but she will try in all her power to be pleasing once again to Master.
on a lighter note..she did get out last night..had a wonderful time..*smiles*..she went to the city and saw the opening night of Riverdance on broadway...WOW oh WOW..the show was exceptional..although there was a lot of mistakes..they did a wonderful job..it even brought her to tears at a few points..she was crying her eyes out...was a truly remarkable show...and she was actually glad she was able to get her mind going in a nice happy direction rather then dwelling in the pain and misery of the problems with Master...although she does truly wonder how he is doing through this...should probably give him a call tonight..and get things right again...but knows he is going to be at work...although not too sure what time..
March 5 (sunday)
surprisingly Master was on today..and sighs..although was absolutly wonderful to see him...she is totally..frustrated..he was in a playful teasing mood...well not really but the ideas he planted in her..damn she is still wet..funny thing was last night did give him a call..but couldnt bear to leave a message on his machine...so just hung up......she feels terribly guilty..how the hell can she get sexually excited during a punishemtn..that is not supposed to happen..*sighs*..maybe she is a masochist in a purest sense..she does thrive on pain of the emotions within.....but god damn..right now she is so horny not even funny..but Master is going out tonight..he deserves it rather then being trouble by baits problems...for he had a visitor with one of his stalkers of the past..and *sighs*..just to hear her say all those things to him..knew he took it too heart...and really feels bad..for he had a wonderful time..and was all happy the she had to knock it out of her...
last night was interesting bought new red and white silk pjs..and the feeling from them was absolutly wonderful..just to feel the brushing of them against her nipples, her clit...omg was a wonderful experience..definately awakened many sensations within...*sighs*..but the sad thing is almost it is a reversal..rather then her enjoying these sensations.once again..she is starting to hate them..despise them..*sighs*..almost as if she herself is not only denying her Master the pleasure..but herself as well..could it be because she is denying her self too long.yet awakening herself each night..every night..3 times she works herself up to a point..where it is almost unbearable..and sometimes..even cries to sleep at the sensations and feelings...but what happens...she cant realease..she is restricted..and when she gets enough guts to beg Master..something always goes wrong sighs.....
well..at least tommoorrow she has a day off..too bad Master is going in late..would have liked to talk to him..should have talked to him tonight..if only she opened her mouth and said Master may she pm you..damn..*sighs*...and well still fucked things up with ehr friend mystic..always seems to do that..*sighs*...will just have to wait and see...dont know what to do anymore
March 6 (monday)
Today was rather an interesting day..*sighs*..well first was off from work ..woo hoo..and rather then doing things for her..she spends all day on line...knows she shouldnt have..but in a sense..gained some enlightenment.....although doesnt know if it will do anygood..
Once again she truly fucked things up with a Mistress..damnit..when will she ever learn to shut up....*sighs*.bait talks to much..and doesnt know when to shut up..why the hell cant she just shut up...sighs..she has to realize no matter what..no matter how much a girl is against what a free may say.....they are still free and at their mercy.
aside from that..*sighs*..she was put against a corner...who does she honor..the Master who is before her..or the Master whose collar she wears..that is sometimes the toughest action ever...what does a girl do..if what is said..conflicts with the two..and why the fuck did she allow a Master get to her..*sighs*..totally using her mind, fucking around with it completely..and using it against her...shit shit shit..and the worst part is..she almost went against her Master..almost..did the one thing she did not want to do...*sighs*
There was a shocking thing though..a Mistress..whom.she really did look up to is now nothing more then a sis....was reduced to slavery..*sighs*..know what the sick thing is..she is not the same person..can one simple title of Mistress..really define a person..now she acts nothing more then a slave..and she has a lot of potential..a lot indeed...but it is almost as if she lost someone who she can really talk to...hope that her sis works it out...for knows..this is her last straw..
March 7 (Tues)
today was the best and worst day..YIKES...things happened that are really messed up...first off..she is in soo much pain..her back gave out completely.and it is hard for her to move..or breath...she is really in pain..feels like an old lady..and what happened at work..isnt helping....*sighs*..work was bad...well first off..did get a promotion..*giggles*..been with the job for only a week and a half..and now is working customer service desk..woo hoo..*smiles*...aside from that...we are running a fundraiser and she sold the most today..was wonderful..never thought she was such a good sales person...*smiles*.....
she is going to be calling Master in about 15 mins..woo hoo..needs to talk to him..although..wishes she felt better...she is in so much pain tonight..not even funny..o0(damn..why cant she ever call him when she is truly horny..although in a weird sense she is)
at the gym...she just wanted to come on and cry..had 25 kids and she was all by herself....she saved a kid from choking.....another one smashed his fingers..*sighs*..why her...tues being the busiest of days..why does all these things have to happen to her..*sighs*..well time to get going wants to call Master up...*smiles*....needs to talk to him...*smiles*.
March 8 (wed)
well today was interesting..sure she worked..YAWNS...but work is getting better..if she doesnt have to have stupid fights with personal...geeze..give her a breaks...at least work was better..nice and slow and not too busy...and she got a great tip..woo hoo...loves those big tippers..*smiles*..
she was thinking greatly about what Master said to her..well that is nothing new..however she started to apply what she learned..and although she tried it with one she knew..just in case she fucked up at least it wouldnt be so bad...but..an interesting thing is he thought there was something bothering her..because she didnt seem very talkative as usual..*smiles*..but he soon learned what was on her mind..and ironically was surprised..he saw that a girl is blossoming..as a slave...but she is going to start something new..for she realizes she has one obstical in her way..and that is the fact that she still has never talked to Master in 3rd person..almost like it is a barriar that she cant say it...so now she is starting to openly say what she is writing within the rooms..so it is natural for her to say she, this one, bait..ect...for she has to admit..it is easier to think third person..but to actually say it..that is another story...so now..hopefully by the next time she calls up Master...*sighs*..wishes He would call for a change..but by the next time she speaks to Master.she will be comfortable enough to talk like that..however..dont think she can bear his response to it..just thinking about it makes her nervous..for the first thing she can think of on her mind..is him asking.."Why now girl..why the change..how come you never did so before??""..*sighs*.
March 9 (thurs)
well it is Thurseday another long long day at work..geeze these hours are truly killing her...seems like she never gets rest anymore...it is even amazing she can keep these up..which is not easy for her..*sighs*...but..between juggling both jobs...she would think she can have some spending money..however..doesnt even have that...seems..all her money is going other places..rather then herself.. *Pouts*
Damn..she really misses Master..really does...should give him a call..but you know something...he is right..all our phone calls ever are is lecturing...but sometimes..she would just like to hear his sweet voice.snuggling up against the warmth of his voice..and just talking..as of right now..no matter how much she wishes..she has not learned what it is to be used for sexual pleasure in that respect...phone sex is a barriar for her..and is starting to learn that..however...what should become an awakening is now becomming a torment..those nightly rituals..of workiing herself up..has become an utter torment..in fact if it wasnt for work, stress, and everything else..that shifts her mind off of it..she would be going absolutly nuts...*sighs*
maybe she even is...
a funny thing did happen today..which totally got her excited..and that was one of the girls who she was watching..a black girl..wanted so desparately to do her hair...you know how african americans..have that nappy, rough thick hair..well a girl has baby fine silky soft hair...and has to admit that she was totally getting off on it...she really felt herself getting excited just by feeling the girls fingers working through each of the strands..playing with it..parting it..ect..it is that little pleasure..that just was so relaxing..so comforting..she couldnt believe it ...and if only she knew how she felt..how sexual a girl felt..*shakes that thought*..geeze must think a girl a pedophile or something..but guess that is a weakness she loves her hair being done..
SIGHS>.should call Master..*pouts*..but he never calls her..*sighs*..then again..why should he call her..she never gives him a reason to.. :(...darn darn darn darn..*looks at the time...its now 9pm..and she is exhausted..has to be at work at 7:30am tommorrow..and will be working till 7:30pm tommorrow...Saturday is even worst..for she is going to be working from 8am-10:30pm..all day..and sunday..*sighs*..dont know if she is going to see or call him..no fair..damn damn
March 9 (Fri)
well a girl certainly knows how to fuck things up once again...called up Master today..finally got enough energy to do so...but..*sighs*..she is taking control...she is the one leading the relationship....maybe it is her mistake..she just calls to see how he is doing..to hear his voice..for calling him up sexually is almost futile..for..she no longer has that need any longer..*sighs*..she works herself up every night..and goes to bed with wonderful, hot, wet feelings...then has to wake up and go through the whole routine of robotic work..*sighs*..she has become a slave for wage..which is effecting everything..almost as if she is a complete zombie at work. As if she is not even there...
*sighs*..Control..control control..why must it be a girl who has to take control..Master gave her 100% control...and her first words were.."i dont want it take it back"..damn...that is taking even more control isnt it...*sighs*..rather then just accepting the basic facts...taking it..but slowly through actions..give it back to show him. This isnt going to be easy..and well bait is still bait..in the dog house completely..*CRIES*..fuck..why does this have to be so difficult
March 10 (Sat)
well this is certainly a nightmare...technically is not really here to write this..but..is doing it as an after the fact sort of thing...worked both jobs...14 hours today..*SIGHS*...and is utterly exhausted...and knows a girl messed up completely...knew she gave the wrong change out....all because they had her play musical registers..geeze was on 9 different registers..and all that constant shifting money is going to be messed up..scattered about..well somehow..she put a $10 in the singles..and handed it out to the customer..sure she counted the change out..but it just so happens..that rather it being a single..she counted the same amount of change that was the price of the bill..ACKKKKKK....and that thief didnt even have the decency to tell her...well just shows how dishonest people are..*sighs*..
aside from that..it was a mad house..very busy..lines were long and crazy..but something very interesting happened..there was this man...he was ironically 6'4..o0(she did ask him...needed a price check so got into a conversation)..but what struch her out of her robotic daze was the fact his leather belt...*shudders*...He was purchasing a leather belt..with the entwined rippled style threads...just touching it..she let out a gasp..o0(wonder if he knew what she was feeling at that moment)..it was like all of a sudden the image of Master standing above her..beating the hell out of her with this leather belt..flooded in her mind...the funny thing though..which in a sense is sick..is..at that moment it really excited her...was almost like for the first time...her innermost feelings..plunged out into her zombie like day...and she felt really heated...but sure enough..composed herself..and went back to work..but..she justs things about at times...what it would be like to be punished by Master..*sighs*..knows it is not a pleasant thought..but you are talking to a girl who never was hit before..never felt..the beat of the strap..or the smack of the whip.*sighs*..but she may not even get that opportunity the way things are going between Master and her..
March 11 (sun)
ARGGGG ARGGG ARGGG...this is a nightmare..work is totally stressing me out..CANT FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE....well she thought sat was a mad house..today was even worst...first day of new sale week..and forget it..everything is on sale..one big super sale.....and aside from that..it wasnt her luck..just walking in..completely messed things up all over.....o0(wants to quit..hates her job..only problem is..she is a work-a-holic)
well today is another long long day..and it is knocking her out...she was happy that she did see Master last night after work...however..*sighs*..she just wanted to cry..really did...it was at that time..she just wanted to be held..just to feel a gentle hug from him..*sighs*..but there she goes again...controlling...it is comming to the point..where..she comes home crying from work ever day...it probably has nothing to do with Master..although it seems..when she makes the transition..from work/zombie mode...to how things are in real life for her...she just truly breaks down and cries...damn..what the hell kind of job does she have..that she comes home and cries..every night...
maybe it is just her..situation with Master is getting worst..and the funny thing is..she knows..he cares about her...and she knows..he is trying everything within his power to make it right..she knows all that..but it is her..and the worst part is she is beating herself up for it..and finding herself ways to torment herself even more...just so she can still keep up with the daily rituals..*sighs*...has to be more creative..for just playing with self working up is not working..so she tried something new and different...ooooo...cloths pins..she has used them as nipple clamps before..but never on the clit...OUCHIE..*giggles*...the amazing thing is..as the clit..gets excited..makes a tighter strain on the pin..and the throbing effect..it was a mixture of pain and pleasure....no she didnt go over the edge..but..was a very nice feeling...*smiels softly*..would love to try that again...but..think she will wait on that one...wait for Master to allow her to...for..he is right..by doing all these little things.s.he is doing extra credit rather then actually applying the basic things that need to be done...*SIGHS*
March 13 (Mon)
woo hoo..day off..and what is she doing..her room..cleaning...cleaning..cleaning..making it all nice and neat and pretty..*smiles*..well also for Master as well..for she had a good talking to him..about how...she doesnt own anything..not even the room she sleeps in..and it is a disgrace to keep his property in such a mess..so she cleans it..just feels bad..for she had plans on cleaning it already today..was going to..but now that she was ordered..to please him..has to make it perfect within..cant do a half fast job..like she probably would have..now has to be utterly spotless...ok..she knows she is being a work a holic again...and should take advantage of her one day off..out of this whole crazy week to enjoy it...but..*sighs*..cleaning her room..wants to..needs to..and is doing it..to please Master..plus in the end will please her..for she cant live in a dirty room.
March 14 (tues)
Well today was tuesday...and much happened..first she is doing an assigment for Master..which she has to admit is really making her think...for the longest time she had a list of slave rules..but for the first time she read it once again..adn truly thought about it..by the end of it..she wanted to cry..and in telling Master..he gave her an interesting assigment..to review each one and to give her opinions...but here is the catch..cant make judgements..about Master..with the list..and that part is even harder to do..to truly not project herself in a negative way against Master..ummm...well that is tough...*smiles*..at least he is giving her time to do it..told him..she doesnt know how she can ever do it in one day...and that is exactly what he wanted to her to truly think about it..not quickly do it to get it over with.
aside from that..work..well..work is tough..although at the nursery she finally got to work with her boss..told her that it is getting to crazy at night..and especially what happened last week with the choaking and everything..but sure enough it was busy..but not enough for two..*sighs*..however talking to her she learned so much about the gym and everything..in fact..this is the first time in about a year she ever really talked and worked with her boss..turns out parents are giving this girl wonderful reviews...and she has been giving her extra hours here and there..*smiles*..it was great to work with her for a change..never did get to..and to think she always feared her boss..for she was intimidated by her..
For some reason no matter how good the day was..by the end of the day just turned so shitty..it was like all of a sudden just started crying again...*sighs*...why is it..every time she thinks of work she cries...it was just like everything is bottled up during the day..and when it is over..it is let out in tears...is that a good thing..of course not..but what should she do..quit her job...or just continue with what she is doing????...
March 15 2000 (wed)
today is a fucked up day..ACKK ACKK ACKK.turns out she was off from work today..yikes..and yet she worked 7 hours today.it was a nightmare..once again fight with personel...think bait is really losing it completely.....so now she is home..and surpisingly..is besides Master..*smiles*..although of course he is busy at work..but it is nice to see him..*smiles*..misses him..but think he can tell that she is in a crazy hyper mood completely...
she did get to go shopping..*smiles*..bought some clothes..and especially she bought sunflower kit..*giggles*..call her crazy..she just had the weirdest urge to plant sunflowers..so she bought a kit from work...and well..now..*smiles*..hopefully in a few weeks will have blooming sunflowers...aww she is so happy..gives her something to brighten and cheer up her room..*smiles*..o0(well now that her room is Masters room..think it would be pleasing to him..to know that she is doing something to keep it pleasant..umm..hopefully)
ok..this day isnt even over yet..but is going to work more on that list she is working on.....reviewing the slave rules..and of course..when she is done with it...will post it up here..in random thought section...does find it interesting...but making her think greatly..so for now..she is off..
March 16 (Thurs)
well it is now Thursday..and she really messed things up with Master last night..*sighs* seems that is the way it is always happening..one big fucking mess...She was thinking what it would be like to just stay away for a few..to just not be his..for say one week..not have to think of him..take a sabbatical..but you know something..he is on her mind 24/7..plagues her thoughts, her desiers, her dreams..unfortunatly..never gets to truly tell him..*sighs*..then again it is her fault..hasnt written a random thought in god knows how long..but also..this journal is taking up her time..as well as that new assigment..which that has her thinking like anything..fuck fuck fuck..she is messing everything up this is not even funny..why cant she just get this right....just get it going...*sighs*.......oh god she just wants to be with him..to be his..and she is fucking it up.....DAMN DAMN DAMN
March 21, 2000 (tues)
well a lot has happened..possible too much...*sighs* No longer is she property of Master Amerault..then again no longer is she sleen bait..and although it was hard for her..she hates to admit it..but she is also relieved in a sense...why is it like all her problems vanished with the collar..is it the collar which bounded her problems in..or is it just the fact that she truly did change..and finally learned..but Master..took back his one final chance...yes it is true..he gave a girl one final chance..but took it back..he wouldnt even talk to her..begged him..to at least let him tell her that he was giving her up on the phone..but he couldnt even do that..is she upset..yes and no...however...in this..she got nothing and everything..*smiles with a sigh*...She didnt get her way....1)wasnt kept in collar...2)wasnt killed....3)couldnt talk to him...4)and still never got the relationship level we were at..5)never got his address or a phone call from him..those were all she wanted....however..even all those things she wanted..she didnt get..*smiles*..but for some reason she is happy..she feels as though she is relieved..and does not know why she should...in her mind she should be in tears completely..and well she was especially at work..and had a christian..clasp her hands and say jesus loves you..*sighs*...her grandmother thinks that is a sign....but interesting enough things are really changing completely it is amazing at what she has been seeing...*smiles*..it is these little things that she is noticing about herself...whic makes her feel absolutly wonderful..however..now..it is almost futile...but..maybe Master AMerault..was just another stepping stone on her journey..oh god..never wanted to use him as such..but he got rid of her...*sighs*..abandoned her..and she was responsible for that as well..for she pushed him away too much..and well..now she is lost..*SIGHS*..and she loved him....i can really honestly say..that I LOVE him...and still do..but once again..think her love may have to be closed off..for can it truly ever get back?...*sighs*..dont think so.. :(
March 23, (Thur)
ok..well it is obvious that her time here is starting to be stagnated..not able to keep up daily with her journal entries..geeze feels like she never has time..between working both jobs..it is a night mare...but..*smiles*..at least she is taking things well....she has been doing things for herself..her sunflower plants are growing beautiful..which she was thinknig of the ironicy at that..when she first was collared to AJ..she died inside..she had a bonzai plant in which she held dear..and in learning ehr submission.something died within..and the plant which she helped grow, nurture and blossom..died with her..in fact she had to get rid of it..was too late to salvage...and she is now wondering..is a collar something in her mind that dies within?..is trying to find her slavery a death sentance for her free spirit?..but the thing she doesnt understand is if that is because she has never found it yet..because the frustration of never knowing..she dies within..rather then learning, growing,a nd becomming alivew with her submission..well anyway..ironcially now that she is not owned..she feels more alive then ever..*smiles*..it is actually almost paradoxal..she is becomming more aware of her surroundings..and although she is unowned..almost feels like she is owned..she feels slave like...the way men..strong men look at her and react to her...the way...upper authority..treats her..she is almost naturally subserviant..in the most dominant of ways..if that makes any sense..she has no idea..but..she is becomming awar of her body her surroundings..and is starting to look to better herself..*smiles*..today when she was at work..was behind the jewlery counter..and well since it was slow and dead..she actually wast rying on the jewlery..she never owned any jewlery before..nor wore any..was always something she thought too materialistic..ect..and all she could think about is what happen if she got her ears peirced..*smiles*...but medically probably not possible..but then again..when she was a kid her body was not immune to anything..she couldnt eat, take or do almost anything because of allergies.but now she is well..wonders if jewlery still effects her...ummmmm...*sighs*..well that is going to be her deires vrs..medical limiations..ooo..always did want at least her ears peirced
well anyway..she feels grand..and was shocked at how many men..complimented her today..she guesses when one truly feels at peace..and filled with life it must show..for she was really happy this day..dont ask her why..but just felt so alive and free..work although was long and tough was wondreful..in fact even at the gym..she had to watch 18 childern..and they were ALL brats..but she played with them..had a good time..was singing dances..damn..it was an excellent day..*smiles*..and watching 18 kids running around in only a 4 hour time span is...TOOO MANY..ouch..that is a night mare..but it worked out well.plus the tips..woo hoo..tay be making good money now..*smiles*
As for Master Amerault..well..she did get to speak to him on the phone..*sighs*..he sounded annoyed..dont blame him..but he is right a girl reinforced his descision..took him to decollar her to make her happy..question is....Is he happy?..for some reason dont think so..especially since he just made up excuses based on what may or may not happen real life..to him..*sighs*..not even going to get into that..but even she has her doubts and doesnt know who to beleive anymore..*shrugs*..note to self..stay the hell out of the whole mess..talk to him..be there if he needs..and let him be a friend..but as for Master, lover..ect..dont bother..not worth it..no matter how much you feel for him..
ummm..and of course..yahell sucks..not working at all...BLAHHHH...but now that tay is just tay..once again making a name of herself on Gor..hopefully it is a good one this time..been spending some time in the Jagged Dagger..*crosses fingers and hopes for the best*..met some nice people there..then again..umm..sometimes tay acts more like a FW then anything else..umm.no one ever heard her say that...but it is true..she is a FW..who knows how to serve..and serves damn well..but they are all words..very pleasing and beautiful words..however..still doesnt know or learned her slavery..question is..will she ever..or does she ever?...hmmm..who knows....
March 24, Fri
umm..wonders if she should now just call this the journal of her adventures through work..*giggles*..well now that she is no longer collared..it seems there is really nothing to talk about submissively speaking..although..*smiles*..she does find herself becomming more aware of how others look at her..how men react to her..the way they speak to her...*shudders*...dont ask her way..but..she seems like she is owned by the world around her..where as with Donavin..she was restricted to him only..and served him..and tried her best to submit to just him..she failed in that..but finds herself..starting to live and be free.....and just as her plants are growing..o0(smiles..such a joy to see how her sunflowers are growing)...it is almost like she is growing..back to her mischievous old self..causing a ruckus...*shrugs*..maybe it is just a farce..but she is smiling.a.nd happy..*smiles*.
work sucks as usual but is doing great..finally learned how to do lotto and make keys..and workd on it all day..and although she does have to go to the gym tommorrow morning..woo hoo.off from K-Mart no 16 hour day.>YIPPIE :) :) :)......
Yawns it is totally boring her in yahell...she just spent 45 mins typing all the pokemon out in macros..that should give everyone a laugh..is bored..yikes needs to cause some trouble..
...oo ps..woo hoo..finally has been getting the release she needs..and has been experimenting with her body once again..woo ho..bought special clothes pins..and tried them out..YIKES..*(smiles*..so much fun..but OUCH OUCH..owie..*smiles*..gets a girl really sqirming.. :)....
March 25 Sat
well a girl had a big realization today..*giggles*..thinks she had many..>DAMNIT..a girl is so stupid....she realized that when she was in the collar of Master Amerault..she was so miserable..and never desired to serve or please him..but now..that is all she wishes to do...*sighs*..stupid..but...well..she wonders if she really did change prior to the release like she felt she did..or was it actually the release that set her over the edge...honestly she doesnt know..
however she is still roaming about...trying to say no to all the collar offers..damn..why dont they just leave her alone...but then again..there is only one person whom a girl really has her eyes set on..but..knows it is a futile cause..although others are saying ..ask him..ask...true all a girl has to do is ask..who knows what may happen...
as for her..well starting to do some crazy things once again to her body..omg..had 3 clothes pins attached to her little perky nipples..OUCHIE..*giggles*.ummm..ok..think a girl is nuts..but should invest in a set of nipple clamps who knows what may happen.
March 26 Sunday
well it is sunday..and she does have to go to work tonight..aww no fun....working till 10:30 or a sunday..yikes....but well she was on this morning.and is hyper as ever..*smiles*..hopefully she wont get into too much trouble.think she already is walking the line...who knows..but saw Master Amerault and well she entered a room he popped out..actually had no idea he was even there..she was in the KHS all morning..and she left momentarily...then returned..*shrugs*..who knows....but..well think she is going to start leaving him alone..however..does miss him greatly..oh well..*sigsh*
March 27 Mon
well a girl feels relieved had a semi long talk with one who had her mind thinking racing...and *smiles*..things were straighten out..although she wonders what would have happened if she spoke to him sooner..and told him the truth sooner..maybe that is her luck always too late..but..think she is going to make her descision and meet him...ummm..*smiles innocently*..umm..that is the funny thing..umm..you have no idea who it is..and well guess what she is not telling...but note..just meeting..geeze..that is all
as for work..well work sucked..that is nothing new..she was screwing up like anything this evening..and really was a long drawn out day..but a few interesting things did happen..she realize she is becomming more and more subserviant to the customers..she calls them all Sir, Ma'am...she lowers her eyes and never looks the men in the eyes...she even found herself wishing a few of them well..in conversation..ummm..that was shocking..never really heard herself..naturally saying i wish you well to anyone but Master Donavin..and yes..umm..did find herself using 3rd person..*smiles*..it is just weird..she is changing more and more...and doesnt even know why..damn..why couldnt she do this when she was in the collar...
March 30 Thurs
she knows this really hasnt been a consecutive month with her diary..has been really slacking off..thing is soo much has been happening...DAMN..well..she has been offered collars galor..problem is..in refusing it is true she is not a slave..for a slave would just put their trust completely in a Master..and she cant trust anyone..especially those whom she only known for a few day..and DAMNIT..in 8 days she trusts Master Donavin enough to beg his collar...*sighs*..she really lost a great Man...well..anywya..it is true she is not a slave..she is not one..can she ever be..who knows..will probably only know real life..but that is just it will never get to that point if she doesnt just give herself over completely.
and there is one whom she had her eye on..in fact had it a long time..but..well after a long talk with him the other night..realizes of course..he doesnt want a girl...and it cant be...it was never meant to be..our relationship was based just on that..frienship..not sex, not love..nothing else..but solid frienship..damn..yet he asked her a simple question..and he wanted a straight forward answer..no thinking just simple yes or no..she agreed until she heard the question the first words out of her mouth was DAMN!..and hesitated..in fact..she never did truly answer it...why didnt she..because..that was admitting to herself something..that she never wanted..in a sense..by saying yes to that question.she would indeed be submitting herself to him..but what if he didnt agree..o0(turns out he doesnt..so she accepts that)...well once again a girls selfish, foolish, mistakes get her in the wrong spot...face it tay..youa re not a slave..she knows it..why do you have a stong desire to be..is it because you dont know how to be tay????
it is true she doesnt know how to be a slave...but a Master gave her a good word to describe her..and that is one suffereing from kajira envy?..kajira envy..maybe so..a girl is jeolous..she feels deep within those feelings..but they are so entrapped by strong walls against other people..that she closes herself off completely
in fact she did something daring today..*smiles*..bought herself two satin camisk..never owned one before...one was in pure white..and she is still wearing it now..*smiles* and she has to say she spent..over 20 mins..just looking in the mirror..looking at her body for the first time in that thin piece of cloth..and the only words running through her mind was DAMN she looks good....she never looks in the mirror for she is so shamed by what she sees..by the image wihin..but to see herself in that type of garb...*smiles*..it almost brings a smile to enlighten her face..damn she is gorgeous...
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