Wednesday
12 January
2000

The rest of yesterday was a really good day. I felt good; felt really positive all day. Had a good evening at home - ate a very healthy stir-fry and rice dinner. Even Judge Judy seemed in good form.

This morning I woke feeling cynical, vulnerable, bitter and twisted. Don’t know why. Several reasons, actually. My poor diet and lack of good sleep finally caught up with me and I had a sore throat and a headache; some money woes; 10 hectic days with the boys and travelling coming up (I’m looking forward to it, but I’m a little anxious about it); and, of course, when I’m this unprotected, she pops up and I obsess about her even more than usual. Yesterday I could have taken on the world; today it rolled over and shit on me.

Oh, yeah. Life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone.

How many of you people out there. Been hurt in some kind of love affair?
And how many times did you swear, That you’d never love again?

Even songs on the radio are laughing at me. I have no idea what to do when I get like this. At least, I don’t know what to do that works. Self-talk doesn’t seem to work. I’m good at solving everybody else’s problems, or at least helping them see the solutions they already knew. Why can’t I do it for me? I simply end up sitting back, sardonically amused at the friction I’ve created between my own warring factions. Real smart, Pete. Like that helps.

Recently, however, I’ve been able to pinpoint when I snap out of moods like this. And into them actually. A thought - could be about anything, and my mind makes a complex series of connections - will flash through my mind, and I’ll catch myself recognising a whole shift in perception. Everything looks dangerous, dark, forbidding. Then something else will flash - and a similar complex series takes place - it could be an hour, a day or a week later, and there is another shift. The same things, people suddenly look different. I feel different. Better.

But that hasn’t happened yet.

Every time I’ve felt like this, I know, I’ve come through it, and more often than not feel even better. But as logically reassuring as that should be, it doesn’t help one bit. From the pit, nothing looks any good.

Oh, well. I took a break and wrote an e-mail to Steph and I’ve forgotten where I was going with that one, but I’m pretty sure none of us wanted to go there anyway, so lets go somewhere else.

Apparently New York is putting in place tough, new anti-homelessness laws. Of course, we don’t have such a problem in New Zealand, and especially now with a Labour government any homeless there might be will be moving up a tax code. Anyway, these folks are onto it.

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