One never knows what tomorrow will bring. Especially at my age. The last two weeks of July were caught up in pain and fear.

We visited Scott in Mission on a weekend two weeks ago. On our way back home we stopped at one of Forrest's favorite restaurants, Peggy's, where you can get good old fashioned home-cooked food. I had a blackberry shake for dessert and it was FULL of seeds! I had half of it against my better judgement. The following Tuesday....intense pain. Over the next few days it got worse until I finally called the doctor. Was sent to "Urgent Care" one evening. Got a lot of bad news, though it was determined that I didn't have appendicitis. Blood Pressure was high (probably stress and fear), RBC's in my urine, and of course, the pain was no better. Next day my doctor started an antibiotic. I still don't know what the problem was or what he thinks it was. I took the antibiotic for six days and the pain was with me until the last two. Still having a little discomfort but at least now I'm not feeling that I have entered the end of my life.

At my age, the least little things are accompanied by big questions. Am I going to be alright? Is this the end? What does it mean? You get so in tune with your body. Now I understand why mother and other old people were so obsessive about their health and talked about it so much. And I understand why old people get so depressed. Because they are lonely? Yes. But more than that, fearing they are nearing the finish line and not ready to end the race.

So much stil that I want to do. My memoir is not going fast. I haven't written a poem in months! My exerce sessions at Cardiac Rehab have suffered. Haven't exercised since the trip. Hope to get back on track next week.

Good health is everything. God, it's everything!

July 13, 1998

important things

How often do I sit and suck air? More often than it is comfortable for me to know. All day yesterday I sat in front of my computer and played those mindless solitare games. Over and over. The click of the mouse anchoring me to.....? I don't know. These games are addictive. They are strangely relaxing. They are the way I avoid experiencing my life. I tell myself I won't play them any more. All the wasted time when I could be doing something else-answering letters, writing a poem, working on my memoirs, planning a meal, cleaning out closets. Why do I do it? Quantitative set. I just can't seem to get up and go. I say to myself, "just one more game," but before I know it another day of my life has ended, has been wasted.

Today I hope to do better. Already I have played the games. Now I will try to stay away from them and do something that will give me a feeling of accomplishment. Yes, I'll try.

July 12, 1998

my favorite month

July, the month of my birth and the month I look forward to all year because it is the month that all the fresh fruits and veggies overflow in the bins at the supermarket and at the farmer's market on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays in the lot opposite Battlefield Mall. I love fruit! Now I'm having apricots, bing cherries, green and red grapes, canteloupes, musk melons, peaches, nectarines, pineapple, and then there are all those exotic fruits! And the tomatoes are juicy and sweet, the green peppers, the cucumbers, corn-on-the-cob, green beans, squash, everything! Such a month! Health oozing from my pores. Every day is a feast.

It's a hot and humid summer. John, Debbie and girls left to go back to Connecticut last Monday. They were ready to go and we were ready for them to. Nine days is a lot of visiting, a lot of cooking, a lot of entertaining. Now F and I are back to our regular routine, sort of at least. The older I get, the harder it is to disturb that routine. Outside disturbance is a stress. The children were undisciplined, the three year old is spoiled and spends a lot of time screaming until she gets what she wants. I don't know if I am expecting too much or maybe I am just getting to be a cranky old woman but it was hard to take. I was wishing we could live in Connecticut so we could be near them but now I'm not so sure. A lot can be said for distance. I love them. But I must keep my sanity and my health.

A part of me believes that nothing happens by chance. Syncronicity. Went to Mass last evening. Father Tom talked about opening our minds to new people we meet. Later, I check my email box and find an email from someone who found my diary. She wrote me a note and left her own URL. I had trouble getting onto her pages but I did find out a bit about her. She writes poetry, as I do. She got an MSN in her 40's as I did. She was diagnosed with Fibromylagia as one of my dear friends was diagnosed recently. She writes an on-line diary. I have not been able to read it yet. My computer freezes when I try to go there. But I'm not giving up. I'll get there. I want to know her better.

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