October 21, 1996
Another day?
Woke early this morning & counted my pulse for an hour before deciding it was okay to move. Lately I have been waking with a racing pulse. A problem I've had for years but which has been controlled by medication. Now my body seems to be out of control again. And I live my life in fear. The fear, of course, is that I will die. That I am old and have spent most of my alloted time here on this planet. That I have wasted that time and not enough years left to fix it all.
Then the question.....how many years do I have left? And how can I extend them? And why do I want to? I isolate myself from the world. Seldom get out on my own, and when i do, don't go far from home. My four sons have their own interests. I don't know my only grandchildren....two little girls John and Debbie are in the process of adopting. They are so far away....about 2000 miles. What is it that makes me want to hold on...to cling to life? What do I feel I still need to do? And what does it matter anyway? Life is the crulest of jokes. We go about with our little joys and sorrows, triumphs and failures, moving oh so swiftly through the days....and for what? We all die in the end. Everything seems important and nothing is important. Nothing!
And yet, I lie in bed early in the morning and count my pulse, willing it to slow down, willing it to get me through another day.
October 22, 1996 11:30 PM
October Snow
A soft rain on the roof woke me this morning. It stayed until afternoon when high winds ripped leaves from the trees and sent them tumbling down the street. Then it began to snow. Just a few light flakes, but, still, a surprise. The snow reminded me of Chris's birth. He was born the day before Halloween and immediately after his birth, it began to snow. Big flakes falling past my hospital window. I was so pleased to be over the labor and happy to greet the life that had just slid into the world and my arms.
I had such plans. Such hopes for my son....and the others who followed. Lying in bed watching the snow, I felt the world was beautiful and magical and I was giddy with a new kind of love and trust in a world where miracles (like the birth of a son) happened every day. I just knew I had finally arrived where I belonged. And the first time I held him in my arms, I promised my son I would always take care of him.
It didn't happen. It couldn't happen. Nor was I able to help the others. I was weak in the face of a brutal man. No, I can't blame him for my weakness. I have always been weak. I have always felt I never belonged. All my life I have sat on the edge of the world....that's where I'm most confortable. I've been depressed, to one degree or another, all my life, and this is the legacy I've handed my sons. How do I deal with the guilt?
Oh, how nice it is to be young and full of possibilities. And how sad, that more often than not, the bright eyes of hope gradually change into the dull lids of disillusionment . That's how it happened with me. And that's putting it mildly.
It's a long story. And I'm tired. The wind is still going strong. It sounds like winter out there. The wind chimes are having a ball! A pleasant sound. I hope the birds have found a good cover. Many of them have not migrated yet and some will stay behind. I often wonder how they survive the winter.
On the way home from lunch at Bob Evans, we saw some ducks flying in the rain. Forrest said they were contrary ducks because they weren't flying in their usual formation. I say the rain pelting their little bodies made it impossible. They were probably lucky to still be in the air.
This reminds me of when I worked at capitol region mental health center and saw a client for the first time. One of the questions I had to ask (in trying to determine their level of concreteness) was what did the saying "wet birds fly by night" mean. There was no right answer, of course, but I could never come up with an answer to that one myself.....not like the more obvious "don't count your chickens before they're hatched" or "don't cry over spilled milk."
Well, maybe that last one is something I should meditate on. Actually, I think I'll sleep on it. My mind is losing ground fast at this hour.
October 24, 1996 3:30 PM
What day is this?
My life is getting lost in all that's going on. Too much! Too much! All at once. I decided to take another on-line class with writers @ netcom and got the first assignment yesterday. I can see the next eight weeks going in a flurry. Last night I worked on part of the assignment until I was so tired Forrest came in and demanded that I go to bed. Well, he knows he can no longer demand anything of me....but last night, I was glad to comply. It is a short-short story writing class. I haven't ;written anything but poetry for years and decided I needed the challange. And it looks interesting. I am so long-winded, I need the discipline of keeping a story within the boundaries of a page or two.
And Chris's birthday is coming up. Forrest and I will take him to dinner Saturday (he says weekday nights are not good for him) and we will go again when Scott can come too. Scott will not be able to join us this weekens because he will be going to KC for a second interview with Hallmark and he is inudated with classwork.
Then Maggie called Forrest today and said they are here until the 1st. They
just arrived today or last night, I guess. I imagine they flew. Only Forrest and I are crazy enough to make the 1200 mile drive between Porterville and Springfield, Anyway, we will be getting together with them before they leave. Then, Forrest's cousin, Elizabeth, slipped when she was out walking today and broke her hip. She is in surgery right now. I need to do some deep breathing.
October 25, 1996 7:30 AM
early morning fragments
In my head, the doors are open. Thoughts racing in and out, in step with my racing pulse.
Where are we going my dear? Why do we feel so fragmented? Where are the anchors in your life? This is not the way. How can you die when you are already dead? Wake up! Take control of your life. Don't let things control you. You'll never survive that way.
But I don't know where to begin. My head is filled with noise. I need space where I can move. I need energy. knowledge. enthusiasm. I need to make a life for myself. Yet, I know this. I just don't do it. I sit around here whining to myself because I am alone and lonely and I don't take any steps toward fixing the situation. I am a hopeless case.
Yesterday I bought a book at Barnes & Noble called "HTML for Dummies." I spend so much time doing the smallest thing on my home pages simply because I don't know the language. I know things I want to do to make my pages better but don't have a clue how to do it. I learn by trial and error and some tutorials I happen upon. It is so frustrating. And now, this morning, I am writing from a different server. Since I disconnected my laptop (which I was using because it was so much faster than my desktop),my other server will not bring up this page. And even this server is tempramental. I am about to throw in the towel. I am going to take my computer to Korma later this morning to have a chip put in to make it faster and maybe they can help me with my other problems too.
Oh, but there are so many other things waiting to be done. The books I bought yesterday to be read. Lesson number 1 to be finished. Harriet.....I must write Harriet. She is waiting for me to write and send her the hot-line number of Father DiOrio. Miracles. Oh Harriet, if there is something in the power of prayer, then you will survive your Cancer. Why do I put off writing you? Don't I know time is crucial? I do this so much. I wait and wait and wait....until all opportunities have vanished. We need each other, Harriet. Maybe I need our friendship now more than you. I remember when it used to be the other way. But that was so many pages ago. So many. Now, how many?
And my health.....my body calls out to me. Hey, I think you are taking too many Bufferin. You are bleeding. Can't you see you are bleeding? This large bruise on your arm....a blood vessel broke. Go see the doctor. It is past time for your yearly physical. No matter you don't like him anymore. No matter you want to start with someone else. You are not doing it. Woman....you are bleeding!
October 26, 1996 8:50 AM
Relaxing
Today I almost feel like I belong in the world. Treated my body to a long soak in bubble-bath this morning. Just closed my eyes and enjoyed. Tub filled with soapy water. Morning sun striking the foot of the tub. crystals hanging from the silver chandelier seeming more bright and lustrous. Bubbles popping and fizzing all around. Body feeling light and bouyant in the water. Every movement surrounded by small concentric circles. I almost went to sleep and wondered how it was for the newly born to come out of such a warm watery lap into a cold dry environment. First experience in the world. Negative! The memory, even if only on a physical level, must be simmering somewhere deep inside all our psyches. Maybe that's what we are doing on this earth, trying to find our way back to that soft silky lap of contentment. The bath, the swim, floating in bodies of water are the closest we come. Strikes a chord. A memory deep in our bones.
Today Forrest, Chris and I will have a meal at Clarey's. To celebrate his coming birthday and his divorce. He called Monday and said, "You're talking to a free man." For a minute I thought he had quit his job. He had to tell me that he had just learned that the divorce was final. It was listed in the paper Thursday along with all the others.
Strange. So many divorces nowadays. It's almost, at the wedding, you wonder how long it will be before the divorce. For the individual I suppose it is a good thing to leave a marriage that will not work, but it is also an easy out, discourages trying to work out differences. Also, if there are children, it is hard on them. But if you get too caught up in that way of thinking, you may spend the rest of your life, feeling trapped and unhappy....like someone I know.
I thought I was doing the right thing, staying in my marriage. My sons needed a father, a decent place to live, a good school , all those things. I thought so. I tried to soften the blows of the abuse. Now, Kenn lets me know I was wrong. He has estranged himself from us. He told me not to call; but I do only when someone dies or something important happens. When he hears my voice, he hangs up. The worse thing in the world for a mother, other than the death of a child, is rejection by that child. My heart still aches......for him and me. He is so traumatized by his past that he can't get past the trauma. And I feel helpless because he won't see or talk with me. So, he often appears in my dreams. There, he comes to visit, hugs me sometimes, even smiles once in awhile. But he never stays long. In the dreams he is in and out. And I am always trying to feed him, trying to find food or a clean plate to put it on. Anyway, my prayer is that this will all go away and someday we will all be together again. Don't even know who I am sending the prayer to. It's just there, always, every breathing moment of my life.So, as usual, I'll take Kenn along when we go to eat with Chris.
October 27, 1996 5:30 PM
closing my eyes
Yeah. I couldn't keep my eyes open this morning. Took THREE naps! One long one right after breakfast, immediately followed by two shorter ones before I could become fully awake from the previous one. I couldn't believe when I woke from the last one that it was time for lunch! Is this another manifestation of my age? I have never been able to sleep during the day....no matter how tired I am or how I might need the sleep. It just baffles me that I could close my eyes on half a day of my life like that.
Forrest was hungry for Mexican pizza so we went to Tianita's and I ordered an avocado sandwich on a homemade bun. Always a treat for me. I love avocados. During lunch, Forrest looked at me and asked me if I intended to lose any more weight. "Yes," I said, "I do." "You've lost enough," he said. "You look good now." I knew what he meant. My face is too thin. He likes it rounder. I told him I knew what he meant. My face is too thin. "yes," he said. "Well, I am going to lose more," I said. "If my face is too thin, that's the way it will have to be."
I know it's getting thin because when I look in the mirror, I see mother. It shakes me up a bit when I look. When she was alive, I hated for Forrest to tell me I looked like her, but now.....seeing myself in the mirror is almost like being in the same room with her. It also makes me feel very sad. For many reasons that I don't feel like analyzing now. I won't say the reasons don't matter because I know they do.....they have a lot to do with my fears and depression. I could say that my depressions is caused by my life with Forrest but I know it isn't true. It started long, long before I ever met him. It's just that he wasn't good for it.
We didn't eat at Clarey's yesterday after all. When we drove over, we realized that the restaurant was closed. If we had tried to make a reservation, we would have known. Anyway, we ate at the Olive Garden and enjoyed the food. Went to Barnes and Nobel afterwards and I DIDN'T BUY ONE BOOK! That's an accomplishment for me.
Scott left for KC today....in the pouring rain. Rained all morning and half the afternoon. Actually, it poured. Even had some thunder and lightening with it, but not one of those really bad electric storms that we get so often where we have to watch the TV or listen to the radio to follow the path of the storm....making ready to flee to the basement. I'll be glad when he gets safely back.
I wonder if I'll have trouble getting to sleep tonight...after sleeping all morning. I feel as if I could get under the covers right now, sink my head into the pillows, and immediately lose contact with my conscious self. I wonder what is going on with me. We'll see.
October 30, 1996 8:30 PM
Catching up
Not really. Events slip in and out of my life and I forget the details so easily. Left only with feelings I can't particularly identify the source of. Day before yesterday was a bummer! Misunderstood in my on-line class. Someone insulted when I was trying to be helpful. I was shocked at her response. Tried to patch it up as best I could. Felt angry with her after that because I think she was using me for an excuse to get out of the class. She is afraid to share her work for fear of cyber "pirates." She hasn't posted anything yet. I doubt that she will.
I got my second assignment in today. It is always such a relief. Now I can relax a bit until next Tuesday when Assignment 3 comes in. i tried something different this time and may post it on another page later. Maybe. Tomorrow it may look so bad to me that I will throw it in the basket.
It's good to be back here on this page. It's like coming home. Connecting to my Self again. Who do I think I am when I am not writing here? Someone who loses touch with her body, her mind, her spirit. She functions....somewhat.....but doesn't pay attention. I feel the door closing and must not let it happen. Stuff hidden for too many years. The past few days feeling sad and not knowing exactly why. Mother in there somewhere. Regrets. Wishes. Wanting to turn back the clock. I made a dish the other day and wanted to take her some. I know she would have loved it. And she wouldn't even allow herself to enjoy the food she loved....until the day she died. Trying so hard to stay alive. Afraid. So afraid of dying. Like me.
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Then the question.....how many years do I have left? And how can I extend them? And why do I want to? I isolate myself from the world. Seldom get out on my own, and when i do, don't go far from home. My four sons have their own interests. I don't know my only grandchildren....two little girls John and Debbie are in the process of adopting. They are so far away....about 2000 miles. What is it that makes me want to hold on...to cling to life? What do I feel I still need to do? And what does it matter anyway? Life is the crulest of jokes. We go about with our little joys and sorrows, triumphs and failures, moving oh so swiftly through the days....and for what? We all die in the end. Everything seems important and nothing is important. Nothing!
And yet, I lie in bed early in the morning and count my pulse, willing it to slow down, willing it to get me through another day.
October 21, 1996
Woke early this morning & counted my pulse for an hour before deciding it was okay to move. Lately I have been waking with a racing pulse. A problem I've had for years but which has been controlled by medication. Now my body seems to be out of control again. And I live my life in fear. The fear, of course, is that I will die. That I am old and have spent most of my alloted time here on this planet. That I have wasted that time and not enough years left to fix it all.
A soft rain on the roof woke me this morning. It stayed until afternoon when high winds ripped leaves from the trees and sent them tumbling down the street. Then it began to snow. Just a few light flakes, but, still, a surprise. The snow reminded me of Chris's birth. He was born the day before Halloween and immediately after his birth, it began to snow. Big flakes falling past my hospital window. I was so pleased to be over the labor and happy to greet the life that had just slid into the world and my arms.
I had such plans. Such hopes for my son....and the others who followed. Lying in bed watching the snow, I felt the world was beautiful and magical and I was giddy with a new kind of love and trust in a world where miracles (like the birth of a son) happened every day. I just knew I had finally arrived where I belonged. And the first time I held him in my arms, I promised my son I would always take care of him.
It didn't happen. It couldn't happen. Nor was I able to help the others. I was weak in the face of a brutal man. No, I can't blame him for my weakness. I have always been weak. I have always felt I never belonged. All my life I have sat on the edge of the world....that's where I'm most confortable. I've been depressed, to one degree or another, all my life, and this is the legacy I've handed my sons. How do I deal with the guilt?
Oh, how nice it is to be young and full of possibilities. And how sad, that more often than not, the bright eyes of hope gradually change into the dull lids of disillusionment . That's how it happened with me. And that's putting it mildly.
It's a long story. And I'm tired. The wind is still going strong. It sounds like winter out there. The wind chimes are having a ball! A pleasant sound. I hope the birds have found a good cover. Many of them have not migrated yet and some will stay behind. I often wonder how they survive the winter.
On the way home from lunch at Bob Evans, we saw some ducks flying in the rain. Forrest said they were contrary ducks because they weren't flying in their usual formation. I say the rain pelting their little bodies made it impossible. They were probably lucky to still be in the air.
This reminds me of when I worked at capitol region mental health center and saw a client for the first time. One of the questions I had to ask (in trying to determine their level of concreteness) was what did the saying "wet birds fly by night" mean. There was no right answer, of course, but I could never come up with an answer to that one myself.....not like the more obvious "don't count your chickens before they're hatched" or "don't cry over spilled milk."
Well, maybe that last one is something I should meditate on. Actually, I think I'll sleep on it. My mind is losing ground fast at this hour.
October 24, 1996 3:30 PM
What day is this?
My life is getting lost in all that's going on. Too much! Too much! All at once. I decided to take another on-line class with writers @ netcom and got the first assignment yesterday. I can see the next eight weeks going in a flurry. Last night I worked on part of the assignment until I was so tired Forrest came in and demanded that I go to bed. Well, he knows he can no longer demand anything of me....but last night, I was glad to comply. It is a short-short story writing class. I haven't ;written anything but poetry for years and decided I needed the challange. And it looks interesting. I am so long-winded, I need the discipline of keeping a story within the boundaries of a page or two.
And Chris's birthday is coming up. Forrest and I will take him to dinner Saturday (he says weekday nights are not good for him) and we will go again when Scott can come too. Scott will not be able to join us this weekens because he will be going to KC for a second interview with Hallmark and he is inudated with classwork.
Then Maggie called Forrest today and said they are here until the 1st. They
just arrived today or last night, I guess. I imagine they flew. Only Forrest and I are crazy enough to make the 1200 mile drive between Porterville and Springfield, Anyway, we will be getting together with them before they leave. Then, Forrest's cousin, Elizabeth, slipped when she was out walking today and broke her hip. She is in surgery right now. I need to do some deep breathing.
October 25, 1996 7:30 AM
early morning fragments
In my head, the doors are open. Thoughts racing in and out, in step with my racing pulse.
Where are we going my dear? Why do we feel so fragmented? Where are the anchors in your life? This is not the way. How can you die when you are already dead? Wake up! Take control of your life. Don't let things control you. You'll never survive that way.
But I don't know where to begin. My head is filled with noise. I need space where I can move. I need energy. knowledge. enthusiasm. I need to make a life for myself. Yet, I know this. I just don't do it. I sit around here whining to myself because I am alone and lonely and I don't take any steps toward fixing the situation. I am a hopeless case.
Yesterday I bought a book at Barnes & Noble called "HTML for Dummies." I spend so much time doing the smallest thing on my home pages simply because I don't know the language. I know things I want to do to make my pages better but don't have a clue how to do it. I learn by trial and error and some tutorials I happen upon. It is so frustrating. And now, this morning, I am writing from a different server. Since I disconnected my laptop (which I was using because it was so much faster than my desktop),my other server will not bring up this page. And even this server is tempramental. I am about to throw in the towel. I am going to take my computer to Korma later this morning to have a chip put in to make it faster and maybe they can help me with my other problems too.
Oh, but there are so many other things waiting to be done. The books I bought yesterday to be read. Lesson number 1 to be finished. Harriet.....I must write Harriet. She is waiting for me to write and send her the hot-line number of Father DiOrio. Miracles. Oh Harriet, if there is something in the power of prayer, then you will survive your Cancer. Why do I put off writing you? Don't I know time is crucial? I do this so much. I wait and wait and wait....until all opportunities have vanished. We need each other, Harriet. Maybe I need our friendship now more than you. I remember when it used to be the other way. But that was so many pages ago. So many. Now, how many?
And my health.....my body calls out to me. Hey, I think you are taking too many Bufferin. You are bleeding. Can't you see you are bleeding? This large bruise on your arm....a blood vessel broke. Go see the doctor. It is past time for your yearly physical. No matter you don't like him anymore. No matter you want to start with someone else. You are not doing it. Woman....you are bleeding!
October 26, 1996 8:50 AM
Relaxing
Today I almost feel like I belong in the world. Treated my body to a long soak in bubble-bath this morning. Just closed my eyes and enjoyed. Tub filled with soapy water. Morning sun striking the foot of the tub. crystals hanging from the silver chandelier seeming more bright and lustrous. Bubbles popping and fizzing all around. Body feeling light and bouyant in the water. Every movement surrounded by small concentric circles. I almost went to sleep and wondered how it was for the newly born to come out of such a warm watery lap into a cold dry environment. First experience in the world. Negative! The memory, even if only on a physical level, must be simmering somewhere deep inside all our psyches. Maybe that's what we are doing on this earth, trying to find our way back to that soft silky lap of contentment. The bath, the swim, floating in bodies of water are the closest we come. Strikes a chord. A memory deep in our bones.
Today Forrest, Chris and I will have a meal at Clarey's. To celebrate his coming birthday and his divorce. He called Monday and said, "You're talking to a free man." For a minute I thought he had quit his job. He had to tell me that he had just learned that the divorce was final. It was listed in the paper Thursday along with all the others.
Strange. So many divorces nowadays. It's almost, at the wedding, you wonder how long it will be before the divorce. For the individual I suppose it is a good thing to leave a marriage that will not work, but it is also an easy out, discourages trying to work out differences. Also, if there are children, it is hard on them. But if you get too caught up in that way of thinking, you may spend the rest of your life, feeling trapped and unhappy....like someone I know.
I thought I was doing the right thing, staying in my marriage. My sons needed a father, a decent place to live, a good school , all those things. I thought so. I tried to soften the blows of the abuse. Now, Kenn lets me know I was wrong. He has estranged himself from us. He told me not to call; but I do only when someone dies or something important happens. When he hears my voice, he hangs up. The worse thing in the world for a mother, other than the death of a child, is rejection by that child. My heart still aches......for him and me. He is so traumatized by his past that he can't get past the trauma. And I feel helpless because he won't see or talk with me. So, he often appears in my dreams. There, he comes to visit, hugs me sometimes, even smiles once in awhile. But he never stays long. In the dreams he is in and out. And I am always trying to feed him, trying to find food or a clean plate to put it on. Anyway, my prayer is that this will all go away and someday we will all be together again. Don't even know who I am sending the prayer to. It's just there, always, every breathing moment of my life.So, as usual, I'll take Kenn along when we go to eat with Chris.
October 27, 1996 5:30 PM
closing my eyes
Yeah. I couldn't keep my eyes open this morning. Took THREE naps! One long one right after breakfast, immediately followed by two shorter ones before I could become fully awake from the previous one. I couldn't believe when I woke from the last one that it was time for lunch! Is this another manifestation of my age? I have never been able to sleep during the day....no matter how tired I am or how I might need the sleep. It just baffles me that I could close my eyes on half a day of my life like that.
Forrest was hungry for Mexican pizza so we went to Tianita's and I ordered an avocado sandwich on a homemade bun. Always a treat for me. I love avocados. During lunch, Forrest looked at me and asked me if I intended to lose any more weight. "Yes," I said, "I do." "You've lost enough," he said. "You look good now." I knew what he meant. My face is too thin. He likes it rounder. I told him I knew what he meant. My face is too thin. "yes," he said. "Well, I am going to lose more," I said. "If my face is too thin, that's the way it will have to be."
I know it's getting thin because when I look in the mirror, I see mother. It shakes me up a bit when I look. When she was alive, I hated for Forrest to tell me I looked like her, but now.....seeing myself in the mirror is almost like being in the same room with her. It also makes me feel very sad. For many reasons that I don't feel like analyzing now. I won't say the reasons don't matter because I know they do.....they have a lot to do with my fears and depression. I could say that my depressions is caused by my life with Forrest but I know it isn't true. It started long, long before I ever met him. It's just that he wasn't good for it.
We didn't eat at Clarey's yesterday after all. When we drove over, we realized that the restaurant was closed. If we had tried to make a reservation, we would have known. Anyway, we ate at the Olive Garden and enjoyed the food. Went to Barnes and Nobel afterwards and I DIDN'T BUY ONE BOOK! That's an accomplishment for me.
Scott left for KC today....in the pouring rain. Rained all morning and half the afternoon. Actually, it poured. Even had some thunder and lightening with it, but not one of those really bad electric storms that we get so often where we have to watch the TV or listen to the radio to follow the path of the storm....making ready to flee to the basement. I'll be glad when he gets safely back.
I wonder if I'll have trouble getting to sleep tonight...after sleeping all morning. I feel as if I could get under the covers right now, sink my head into the pillows, and immediately lose contact with my conscious self. I wonder what is going on with me. We'll see.
October 30, 1996 8:30 PM
Catching up
Not really. Events slip in and out of my life and I forget the details so easily. Left only with feelings I can't particularly identify the source of. Day before yesterday was a bummer! Misunderstood in my on-line class. Someone insulted when I was trying to be helpful. I was shocked at her response. Tried to patch it up as best I could. Felt angry with her after that because I think she was using me for an excuse to get out of the class. She is afraid to share her work for fear of cyber "pirates." She hasn't posted anything yet. I doubt that she will.
I got my second assignment in today. It is always such a relief. Now I can relax a bit until next Tuesday when Assignment 3 comes in. i tried something different this time and may post it on another page later. Maybe. Tomorrow it may look so bad to me that I will throw it in the basket.
It's good to be back here on this page. It's like coming home. Connecting to my Self again. Who do I think I am when I am not writing here? Someone who loses touch with her body, her mind, her spirit. She functions....somewhat.....but doesn't pay attention. I feel the door closing and must not let it happen. Stuff hidden for too many years. The past few days feeling sad and not knowing exactly why. Mother in there somewhere. Regrets. Wishes. Wanting to turn back the clock. I made a dish the other day and wanted to take her some. I know she would have loved it. And she wouldn't even allow herself to enjoy the food she loved....until the day she died. Trying so hard to stay alive. Afraid. So afraid of dying. Like me.
back
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Page created by:
misong@ix.netcom.com
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