January28, 1997
3:30 AM
These few lines to keep the days. It is 3:30 in the morning and I am grabbing a few minutes for myself. Much has happened. We are keeping Shadow, though she has many problems, physical and mental. It doesn't take long to fall in love.
Last Thursday, we drove to a town in Texas and got a black miniature poodle for me. We were supposed to pick up an eight month old but something happened (still a mystery to me) and an eight week old was available. We brought her home with us. She is precious but takes about all my time and energy. Just like having a new baby. Only worse. Shadow is curious and jealous and cannot be trusted with the wee one. So I am on constant vigilance. Anyway, everything else is being neglected right now. I hope everyone who is affected will forgive me.
January 20, 1997
feelin good!
It's good to be back into writing again. Yesterday I wrote a piece and today I got a good start on another one. The juices are flowing. Thank God! I have to take advantage while it lasts. Anyway, I promised my writer self that I will spend several hours, at least, a day on my writing. Just the small amount I have done has me feeling more centered, more at home with myself. So no matter how bad it is, I must write a bit every day. And I want to. This is a priority in my life. It is important to me.
The snow is beginning to melt. And the temperature is rising. Maybe some days in the 60's this week. That won't be hard to take. I have been living inside these walls too long. Still, going out this time of year reminds me of mother. And it makes me sad. Every now and then I drive over to Elfindale and just park outside where her apartment was when she sold her house and before she moved in with Judy. I felt so guilty about her being there alone like that. She was not well and her room was at the very end of a long hall she had to walk to get to the elevator. She was on a special diet which the kitchen did not accomodate very well. She was lonely. And I was stingy with my time. wanted my own space. So afraid of being taken advantage of. But, also, she was up one level and I had to climb the stairs which made my heart race at times. My phobia of elevators. Just one of my phobias. I will not ride on one alone. I would have visited her more in the hospital if I weren't afraid to ride alone in the elevator. At least I think I would have. But who can say for sure? My mind thinks of a lot of nice things to do, but the body is lazy. Just can't seem to get up and go. Making myself write has improved my self-esteen tremendously. I don't feel as if I am floating around with nowhere to land anymore. I feel as if I have come home. A warm and cozy place.
January 18, 1997
and time rolls on
Yesterday I read. Today I read. Both days I read myself to sleep. What is this? The books are interesting too. Two new ones I got at Barnes and Noble: For Writers Only by Sophy Burnham (to help motivate me to start writing again) and voice lessons by nancy mairs (on becoming a woman writer). Maybe just make-up time for the sleep I have been losing at night. Keep waking up. Don't know why. For a time was sleeping through the night & felt so much better the mornings after. Is it age? Naw. I remember years ago, during my working days, I had difficulty sleeping at night. I thought then it was because work was on my mind....other things too. Now, I guess, it is just a peculiarity of mine. Forrest takes tranquilizers before he sleeps & sleeps well. Usually gets up a lot later than I do. I envy him that ability. But I will not take anything to make me sleep. If I need it badly enough, I suppose it will happen.
We were out for a Dairy Queen this afternoon. The snow and all have kept us in for so long. The sky was clear but snow still all over the ground. Something about it reminded me of mother and I felt sad and found it hard to believe she is gone. What happened in January last year? I think it was the beginning of the time I started going to see her more because I wanted to give her some pleasure. Sitting over there at Judy's with a home-health aide who hated her job and who was not very nice to mother. Had a lot of things I needed to deal with about our relationship. Wanted to make it better. But most of all, I wanted to give her something special in her day. She had been reduced to the monotony of trivial things and her days were meaningless. The aide during the day. watching tv with Judy's husband at night. Taking a cabinet full of medicine every day. Worrying about her health constantly. Afraid of dying. Fighting until her last breath to live. Trying so hard to get copies made of the pictures so each one of her children would have them. I look at things as we drive along and see them through mother's eyes. Imagine how she felt about what she saw. Felt the fear she must have felt....for so long. She kept trying to tell me she thought she wouldn't be here much longer. I didn't want to hear it. I wasn't ready. I wish I had let her talk about it. She was grieving her coming death. I could have grieved with her. At home, alone, I did.
I grieved hers. And mine. The older I get, the more I realize that hardly anyone is ever ready. I just can't imagine myself not waking up every morning, feeling the cold on the tip of my nose, hearing the furnace kick on, getting up and starting my day. It is hard to think about how one day it will all end. For me. Then others. We are all marching toward the same place. We are all at different places on that certain path.
And I don't want to think about that any more tonight. So I'll end this for now. Try to conjure up some sunny thoughts. Until tomorrow...............
January 17, 1997
same ol, same ol
The days roll on. One after the other. And, always, the week's end is a surprise. What happened to the week? How did it go so fast? Just like my life. What happened to the days, the weeks, the months, the years?
I am aware that I am not doing all the things that I want to do. The writing. The reading. Working on my pages. Listening to music. Watching the birds. Creating. Trying new recipes. I have difficulty prioritizing things....so I do nothing. Just sleep-walk through the days hoping things will take care of themselves. And when they don't, I feel depressed and hopeless. I want to continue with my poetry. I want to write my memoirs for my sons. I can't get off my duff to do it.
We are keeping Shadow. Surprise! Not. Her blood test is negative. And, besides, we are in love with her. She is such an appealing creature. So mild mannered. So sweet. So needing someone to be nice to her. She is still confused, though. Yesterday Forrest took her with him to do a few errands. When he left her alone in the van for a short while, she dumped in the back of the van, then stepped in it. She goes wild when she is left alone. She and the van had to be cleaned. Then all afternoon she barked every time she saw me. Me! Sweet, kind, gentle me! :-) Well, I AM good to her. I pet her, talk to her (never raise my voice), I feed her, let her out. But the incident in the van seemed to put her off balance. We all have a lot to learn about each other yet.
Shadow needs a playmate. She gets so bored with us two old folks. Last evening I started calling the poodle breeders again. Trying to find an older puppy or a young bitch. she's out there I know. I'll be glad when I find her.
Anyway,the beginning of this new day, I have another chance to make my life meaningful. To do the things that are important to me. So, I'll get started right now.
January 10, 1997
snow & fur & pen & keys & the internet
This is my first entry of this year. My head and my life are bobbing. Nothing stable. I guess nothing ever will be. The same questions that always nag at me. What is important? What should I be doing? What do I want to do?
Get my poodle. Wait for the one that may or may not be conceived this month? Or look for one sooner? Do I want one sooner?
And what about the German Shepherd we drove to Chicago to get last week? The pancreatic problem we were not told of until we had made the trip, written the check and were literally on our way out the door. She is sweet. She is appealing. Beautiful, except she is very thin and has a huge appetite. Cannot digest her food. On a special diet. Needs expensive enzymes added to her food for the rest of her life.....and extra special care. Do we keep her? Do we take her back? Already we are attached to her.
We took her to the vet day before yesterday for a bath, an exam, a blood test. The results will be in today. Then will we know what we want to do? Our lives are on hold.
My writing. Where do I want to go with it now? Continue with the poetry? Alone or in a group? Should I take a class? What about the memoir I want to start and have finished by the end of the year? And the book of poems? What first? And how? Where to start with the memoir? Need to go through all the old photos.
So I confuse myself like this. Day after day. On and on. Waisting time. Wondering. Always wondering.
Snow. Boy did we get a lot of it! Scott flies back from Philly tomorrow. I'll be glad when he is back safe. So the worry worm still crawls through my life. It will never leave me. It is in my nature to worry. To watch. To be alert. Think of all scenarios. Prepare for whatever may happen. Every surprise at least a possibility before it occurs. In this world, there is no safe place.
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