September 30, 1997
What? Fall already?
It can't be! But it is. How these months are getting away from me. And not many good memories from them either.
I have been taking an on-line poetry class and it has been monopolizing my time. This is the last week of that course but now I am starting another--the sequel to the first one, starting October 15th. I am also going to get tutoring. I can get more done that way. Won't have to do critiques of others' poetry. I wouldn't have taken another class but this is a new one and is related to the last one. So I guess I'll be doing not much else for a couple more months.
I have been so tired. Don't know if it is old age, all the creative work I've been doing or depression. Maybe a little of all three.
I thought by getting a dog for Forrest, I would get Nikki back. Not so. Jedi follows Forrest everywhere and Nikki tags along. In the afternoons, I look in his room and both are lying napping while he works at his desk. He takes Jedi out a lot because she is young and Nikki always goes too. It is like he has two companions and I have none. And I am so lonely. Yesterday we (he & I) had a fight. There were a lot of bad words between us. I was devestated. It was comforting to have Nikki on my bed when I went to sleep. But when I woke this morning, she wasn't there. When she wakes, first thing she does is to go into Forrest's room and jump up on his bed with him & Jedi. I have noone now, not even my dog. I started crying. Haven't cried in a long time & it scared me.
I don't know what to do. I don't think there is much between Forrest & me anymore. We have been together for almost 50 years. We have so grown apart. I suggested I get my own separate place and he thought it a good idea. This is what we have come to. But I don't think I could survive the stress of leaving and starting all over again. Physically or emotionally. Yet, the stress of living with his personality feels like it is killing me.
God, it is hard to be old. And sad. A time when there is nothing to look forward to, memories of all the failures, all the wrong roads taken and no way to turn things around and the realization that it doesn't matter anyway. That last one is the hardest part.
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