July 28, 2000

First announcement of the millenium yippie yay yay. it just so happens that i have nothing to say.... and yet something makes me want to write....i don't know why and i keep trying to find out what it is. i don't know if i'll even keep this writing or even if i should even keep writing at all. maybe i should stop. does it really make a difference? maybe it's just the now. the now is what matters and it matters now.

and we are not as close as i would like us to be, for whatever reason.

the reason that is there may be the reason that doesn't want to be found because if it is found and it is not what we expect, then we will feel cheated. the reason is afraid. ever think someone is building up excitement when you know the end result will be their disappointment if they actually find out what it is they're dealing with? that....is what the reason is afraid of. we always have to ask why. why do we ask why? because we don't know? why don't we know? because maybe by the time the answer could present itself, we have built it up to be something far more complicated and unusual than it really is. the answer is simple. the answer is simpler than we are willing to admit. the answer....the reason.....is here. we perhaps create it. we perhaps create situations that require answers. it's our own insecurities that create questions to begin with. in other words, are the questions not there otherwise? in other words, when we die, the questions and also their answers die with us? we don't know. let's all die and then find out.

i feel bad like bad should be felt when you do something that is mean and fucks with you and you don't know how to get out of it except by kicking or breaking or hitting something in the world whatever it is that you grab a hold of first. and then it all seems to fall into place but in reality it is all just falling further and further in front of you. you will reach it again and again and again and each time again you will break it again and again and again...and the pieces will become smaller...more difficult to grab a hold of...to deal with. who knows...maybe it's a way to escape your problems....but most likely not.

and if you were curious, i am going to sit here and play the situation over and over and over again (and again and again) in my head until i get it right. once i get it right or think i might then i may leave and come back another day when things are bright and flowery n shit....maybe then i can hide behind the light and say hey....THIS is me....the brightness and the floweryness. it is much easier to hide behind the colors in the day. you're not noticed as much that way. at night.....you are seen and seen through....but only to a point where people misunderstand you and wish to stay away. then you are left alone. alone to deal with your own problems once more over. people do not trust the night. people who do not stay up at night do not trust the night.

at night you will create.

at night you will take what you know and not add to it but put it to use. looking and searching for tools will only do one thing. take up space. you have space? use it for something creative. as said in the past, fill your soakers, prepare your exits, and then just go for it. at that time you will create. you can feel. when you can feel you can truly create. when you can create you can truly feel. it's a circle made of two, by two, for one. the one can be you if you will yourself to create.

can you force yourself to create?

what of it would you keep for yourself. all of it. what of it would you keep for those who might be honestly interested in what you have to say? all of it. what of it would you keep for those people who are only concerned with vanity and exterior? you'd think the answer would be your best work....in reality, show them your worst. your worst is your most shallow, your least revealing....that way shallow and exterior people can get the shallow shit they decide to wallow in each day....but who am i to put somebody down....i may here but i do love everybody.....

everybody including the people i do not trust and if you truly know me then you truly know the people i truly do not trust. i do not mean to be a cold person....if i ever seem that way. those who truly know me know i can turn off to certain people...but why? because of problems with themselves i wish nothing to deal with? because some are so easy to just think in the most ignorant way possible? what i just said was biased and stupid. ha ha....i'm glad i'm not perfect....i enjoy feeling imperfect...not that i had any reason to feel otherwise, nor did you have any reason to think of me otherwise.

i think i ended this far better than i started. I like that.

The end for now . . . nice day for somethin' . . .

Words of Wisdom: "sometimes i can feel, sometimes i can't feel...which time is which?"