The Family Tree

My Soap-Operatic Life

"A son of my own! Oh, no, no, no! Let my flesh perish with me, and let me not transmit to anyone the boredom and ignominiousness of life." Gustave Flaubert

Here's a list of the relatives that I'm most likely to mention here.

Dad's Side:

Grandma: Typical emotional (read: cries at the drop of a hanky) Catholic grandma. I'm the favorite grandchild, which makes things very awkward at times (she cries whenever I leave her house). She lives in Montana.
Grandpa: My biological one died before I was born, so I consider him to be my grandpa. Very nice guy. Loves eating, fishing, and sleeping.
- Auntie Dolores: My aunt, who is obsessed with rubber stamps. Can be very annoying at times. Pretty much hates all of her children's SO's.
- Uncle Bruce: Works at one of the local labs, and is the guy we call for most household and computer disasters. Also likes to tease . . . frequently. They live in Livermore.
  - Janelle: The "black sheep" of the family. Lives in Reno, where no one hears from her. Spends her time smoking, trying not to gamble, and trolling for (mostly jerky) boyfriends.
  - Ron: My pain-in-the-ass jerky cousin. He's a policeman, and I live in fear that someday he'll pull over one of my friends.
  - Laurie: Ron's wife. Nice girl, who really doesn't deserve to have to put up with his crap.
    Amanda: Laurie's daughter. I think she's cute. My parents think she's spoiled. I think, "Who are they to call the kettle black here?"
  - Tammy: Like me, she is the smartest of the family and is attracted to dumber guys. I just hope I don't decide to have kids like she did (both she and Auntie Dolores claim I'll be poppin' kids in 5 years. I'm sooooo sure.).
  - Les: Her husband, who likes to tell me the joys of marrying a chick smarter than him. He's a fun guy.
    Justin: My newest baby cousin, a future hick (trust me on this one).
- Dad: A very cranky guy, who recently retired. Loves: planes, trains, automobiles, war movies, dirty jokes. Hates: spending money, many other things.

Mom's Side

Grandmummy: A very sweet lady, my mom worshipped her. She was also another example of someone who married dumb. She died when I was in the fifth grade.
Granddaddy: The biggest asshole I've ever met, bar nobody. A huge mooch, who doesn't give a rat's ass about anyone else. He chose to move in with a new girlfriend as my grandmother was dying . . . and he's gotten worse ever since. Lately he's even stopped bathing. I rest my case (for now).
- Aunt Diane: Died of MS before I was born. Was married to Butch (who I never met) and had a stillborn child.
- Mom: The optimist to Dad's pessimist. Loves: shopping, spending, talking. Hates: things that aren't prudish and ladylike.
- Aunt Susan(Susie): My other aunt- relatively nice, but yells at her kids constantly.
- Uncle Brad: A UC Davis grad, with a strange sense of humor (he likes to wear the cat as a hat). They live in the Sacramento area.
  - Alicia: 14 years old, and used to be nice. But since she hit puberty, she hardly ever talks to anyone. Likes to beat up on Kristen and wants to be a vet.
  - Kristen: 11 years old, is still nice. Definitely the cheery, perky one- my mom adores her. Also a troublemaker.
  - Cassie: 6 years old, very cute and also cheery. Alicia and Kristen fight over her a lot.
  - Linda: Mom's cousin, came to visit this summer. Nice, but very, very screwed up.
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Page last updated: April 24, 1998. Pictures added April 5, 1998- provided by Graphic Station

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