The title of this week's
entry comes from a popular Mexican saying, "amor de lejos... es de pendejos", or "love at a distance
is for assholes". K tells me that many people have
quoted it to her, saying that she'll get tired of waiting,
that the distance is too great, that distance causes
obstacles to love. I know she doesn't believe it, but
even so, it makes me worry. The distance may be large,
but I think that in our hearts we are still close enough
that we still love each other. I know for sure that we're
not assholes!
I'm still planning to fly to Mexico for a
week in May, to see K for her birthday. I think we both
need to be with each other, even if it's for such a short
time, as we're both finding it difficult to be alone for
so long. It really does feel like I'm missing a part of
myself to be this far away from her, and the sooner we're
back together, the better. I dreamt of her the other day,
and when I awoke, the memory of her and the fact of her
absence combined to make me feel very depressed. It's
more than like missing a limb, it's like missing a part
of my soul. Some days I can make it through the day
without feeling much pain at all, but others are like a
great weight on my back.
The teaching's still going well, although
after next week, I'll be back to temporary work, as I've
only been substituting. I'm going to try some tutoring if
there's anyone out there to tutor, and the school I've
been working for have asked if I'm available to help with
summer school. If there's work, then I'm available! If I
can teach and somehow pay off the last of my debts and
have enough as survival money for Mexico in September,
then I'll be very happy. However, as with all teaching
jobs, I have to remember that I can't count chickens
before they're fully hatched and chirping.
If this week's entry sounds a little
depressed, it's because this is Easter week, and when I
left Mexico I was hoping to be back there just after
Easter. That was before I realised just how much I was in
debt and how long it would take to pay off. After that
reality call, I think I've worked fairly hard to make
things work, earning money and sorting out qualifications
and so on, but it still hurts to realise just how
optimistic I'd been just a few months ago. I admire K for
the way she's accepted that I have to plan my future
carefully and have had to change my plans in order to do
so. I hope she realises that I've done it all for her
sake, to be free for her, because I really do love her
from the depths of my heart.
