A wedding is at 8:00 pm, you get there at 10:00 pm and nobody has arrived yet.

You will often have lunch and dinner at the same restaurant on the same day... without actually leaving.

You believe a shot of tequila cures everything.

You have more prescription drugs in your toiletry bag than Eckerd (or Boots) does and you don't have an actual prescription for a single one.

You bring along small cans of chillies when travelling to Europe.

Leaving the office at 5:00 pm means working "half day".

Returning to the office after "la comida" on Friday means you're a "pinche criado"

You blame the traffic on the rich.

You blame the crime on the poor.

You blame the PRI for almost everything else.

You blame "los pinches gringos" for whatever's left.

The word "Puente" means five-day weekend.

You enjoy drinking beer with lime, salt, ice, Tabasco sauce and still think it's the Orange Juice in the morning that gives you heartburn.

"Licenciado" is a proper name.

If you order the tacos and your friend orders the enchiladas, you're positive the waiter will get it backwards.

You go "pssssst" to catch a waiter's attention... in New York City.

You refer to "@" as "Arroba" but have no clue what it means.

You use the word "este" as a conversational filter... in English.

You say "Bueno" when answering a telephone... in English.

You say "Mande" when someone calls you... in English.

You keep on addressing good friends as barnyard animals. ("Buey" and "Cabrón" are the animals most often employed).

You refer to a salesman as "maestro"... at Saks Fifth Avenue.

You eat tacos, enchiladas, morcilla, moronga, and médula, but believe hamburgers are unhealthy.

When someone tells you "I'll call you", you assume that he won't.

You know "a ver cuando nos vemos" actually means "I really don't care if I don't see you anytime soon".

"Tomorrow" means "not right now", "never" or "screw you".

Calling in sick on Monday is proper behaviour.

You keep a 20-dollar bill taped to the back of your driver's license.

If you want 50 people to show up for your party, you invite 150.

You call an 80-year-old waiter "joven".

You call a twenty-year-old waiter "viejo".

You call everyone else "hermano", "mano" or "manito".

But you call your real brother "pendejo".

You never refer to a friend's mother as simply "su madre", but always qualify by saying "su señora madre" or "su querida madre", to avoid a misunderstanding which could get you a "madrazo".

You assume women fall into three categories: virgins, whores or your mother.

You assume your daughters are virgins because they get home before you do at night.

You profess, "como Mexico no hay dos", but secretly wish Mexico City was more like San Antonio.

You think the next "sexenio" will be better.