 | The England team will chat about the weather,
wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their
ankles for a while before moaning about how they
invented the game and gave it to the world, and
how it's not fair that everyone can beat them now. |
| The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at
me Jimmy?" before smashing an Irn Bru bottle
over their opponents' heads. |
| The Ireland team will split into two, with the
Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the
Northerners march the Traditional route from
their dressing room to the pitch, via their
opponents' dressing room. |
| Unfortunately the Welsh suggestion has been
vetoed by the RSPCA. |
| Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part
of opposition territory, claim it as their own
"Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the Stewards. |
| Two members of the South African team will claim
to be more important than the other thirteen whom
they will coral between the posts whilst they
claim the rest of the pitch for themselves. |
| The Americans will not be there until half time.
In future years they will alter the records to
show that they were in fact the most important
team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a
film called "Saving No8 Lyle". |
| Five of the Canadian team will sing La
Marsaillaise and hold the rest of the side to
ransom. |
| The Italian team will arrive in red penis-substituting cars, sexually harass the female
stewards and then run away. |
| The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the
pitch, mow it and then claim that it was all in
line with the European "grass quotas".
They will then curl up under the posts and have a
kip until half time. |
| The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their
team by offering good salaries to the key
opposition players (over 35) and then run around
the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient
manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy
from the UK Government). |
| The French will declare they have new scientific
evidence that the opposition are, in fact, all mad.
They will then park lorries across the halfway
line, let sheep loose in the opposition half and
burn the officials. |
| The Australians will have a barbie before
negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in
the UK. They will then invite their mates to
come and live with them in Shepherds Bush before
beating up all the women on the touchline. |
