Santa's a Woman
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I
believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big,
organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I
have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it
all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even
think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at
the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco
products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the
shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a
woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe
would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating
musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the shopping
bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there.
First of all, there would be no reindeer because they
would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear
bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims
that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would
already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID still have reindeer, he'd
also have transportation problems because he would
inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and
then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
 | Men can't pack a bag. |
| Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red
velvet. |
| Men would feel their masculinity was threatened...
having to be seen with all those elves. |
| Men don't answer their mail. |
| Men would refuse to allow their physique to be
described, even in jest, as anything remotely
resembling a "bowl full of jelly". |
| Men aren't interested in stockings unless
somebody's wearing them. |
| Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously
inhibit their ability to pick up women. |
| Finally, being responsible for Christmas would
require a commitment. |
