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- Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
- Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the big game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
- Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the butt and a "Nice hustle. You'll get 'em next time!" would pretty much do it.
- Birth control would come in ale and lager.
- Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
- The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
- "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
- It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
- Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
- Tanks would be far easier to rent.
- Garbage would take itself out.
- Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
- Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
- Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would occur only on leap years.
- St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
- Two words: Ally McNaked.
- Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
- The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
- Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you
responded with would actually reduce your fine. For example:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
Man: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place..."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off!"
- Daisy Duke shorts (short shorts) would never again go out of style.
- Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
And perhaps most importantly...
- People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
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