Blues (my own)

44.Blues

I come not to sing but to write them,sorrow is my word of choice. I feel
the worlds pain weighting heavy on my shoulders, it is so heavy it weighs
my spirit down and makes me weary and tired, even though I have had my rest,
I wake to each new dawn tired and weary not in body but in spirit...

My soul is a very old one, i feel the passage of time as a very slow ride
seemingly going nowhere into the dark night of silence... I would like to
raise my voice up to howl out my pain and sorrow, howling at the moon
my sorrow at it's rising and again at it's setting.... For me any change is a
new source of pain..

I know not what I morn, maybe it is time's swift passing, that has turned
me so very blue, time is passing so fast that I can't keep track of my own
thoughts and feelings but feel caught up in this ever turning faster world on
which we live.

Dark dark days of winter bring me so far down that i feel like I am living in
a deep hole in the ground. . . Every time I reach to the surface for some
sun, i find myself pulled back down by the worlds ugly reality. Man why
must you be so cruel to one another?

So hear my cries in the dark and realize I am alive and that the pain in this
world weights heavy on my soul, does it not weigh your soul down too?
Or have you never known the pain of being the odd one out, looking in on
those who seem to have it all?

I was one of the lucky ones! Opportunity was at my side, many were my
choices and easy were they to make, my way was smoothed by loving
parents... Then i noticed how it seemed that some were so poor but so
much happier than I. I wondered Why?

Sorrow is my word. The abuse i suffered was a subtle shadowing of my
soul, now tho the shadow weighs heavy and the guilt hurts down deep to
my bones, the pain is unbearable.... I must find a way to survive, but not at
any cost to another..

I must be strong. I must not break. I must suffer, for I am guilty, of not
doing what I could to help my fellow man and woman. I am humble and
my sorrow I am using to look and find what I can do to help all that can be
helped by me, I give to you..

my sorrow

146.I walk Alone

I walk alone down an empty street, wandering wondering as to where i am
heading this day and on into the night!
I do not know where I am going only that I must be going,
somewhere and i only hope that i will know it when I find it! oh lord where am I
going and what am I doing here? I need to know I need to stop hurting, I need
the pain to stop!

I need help and I am crying out for it like I have never cried before! Please help
me to find myself, somewhere on this planet a little girl cries herself to sleep,
that is me so many years ago!
but that little girl is still alive inside of me, and her pain is my pain!
sometimes my heart hurts so much, i fear it is going to break into a few million
pieces, I need the hand you offered me!

I wander here and there, walking aimlessly through the streets, I know that
somewhere there is a haven for me, I must seek it out and find the safety of its
shelter, can you give me a clue?, I have been wandering for so long, the pain
inside of me hurts so much!
what must I do for you to understand,
that i have needed you for so dammed long!
I need your arms I need your warm body keeping me safe against the chill of the
winter's long night! Oh God what price must I pay to survive this night!

They have laughed at me, they have hurt me but they could not hurt me as much
as you have my mother, I am trying to tell you that your rejection of me has hurt
me to the soul, I am not giving up i will not be quiet anymore, I will tell all who
ask! I cannot keep the dirty little secret any more! I have no choice because my
sanity
depends on it, I have paid to high a price already, I will not sacrifice more in the
name of silence!

The price is to high! I can't take any more pain! My body feels the pain, that
festers deep in my soul! I can't hold on but I have no choice! I will be strong I will
survive! I have to
do this I have to write, the words are here and I must write and write them as
they flow forth from my mind, the pain the sorrow, the times I have tried to talk,
all you ever said was be quiet,
you can't ever tell anyone! well they all knew! so much for your dirty Little secret!

Who were you protecting? Not me I needed you then! I got the rejection and the
pain of the guilt! I have lived in this sorrow for too long! I will not be quiet! If that
means that I will never see you again then I will deal with that pain too! for you
see Pain Is no stranger to my soul! I have lived so long with this pain,
that the monster is consuming me, burning me up and taking me
one step closer to the edge!

Please hold me tight keeping my fears from pulling me down into the abyss! I am
so near the edge, I do not want to fall over the edge!
I fear I am slipping,
I can feel the walls around my heart breaking, they are coming down. brick by
brick, as the false foundations they were built on are crumbling! Help me find my
way again, i am lost and I need to find the path again... . . . .