WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A panel of psychological experts, including politicians, talk show hosts, and people who write impassioned letters to newspapers, have determined that the most likely cause of last month’s shooting tragedy in Littleton, Colorado was "a little bit of everything".

After an in in-depth analysis that lasted several minutes, the group concluded that blame for the incident lies with a large and complex set of societal factors. These include, but are not limited to, "industrial" music, violent video games, inattentive parenting, easy availability of guns, Jerry Springer, the teaching of evolution in our schools, cigarette companies, the heartbreak of psoriasis, saggy diapers that leak, farm tariffs, the internet, and the recent passing of Norman Fell.

"Everything in these two kids’ environment conspired to turn them into psychotic killers," said Donald Lander, an area plumber whose scientific credentials include watching the Discovery Channel a couple of times. "The logical conclusion is that the other three billion or so can’t be trusted to make up their own minds about anything they see or hear."

"If I ever catch my ten-year-old playing ‘Doom’," Lander added, "I’m going to chain him up in the basement so he doesn’t kill me."

As a result of the discussion, government officials are taking steps to ensure that all contributing factors be banned as soon as possible -- preferably before anybody has a chance to protest.

"I think it’s clear that our continued refusal to allow oil interests to drill in the delicate ecosystems off our coastline played a big part in turning these young boys into ruthless killing machines," said Senator Frank Murkowski (R-AK). "I now take it as my solemn duty to open our oceans to rape and pillage so that such a tragedy can never happen again. We owe it to our children."

Legislators hope that the ensuing flood of restrictions will serve as the first step to making Americans more aware of the problems that affect today’s youth.

"If those negroes aren’t out voting, maybe they’ll spend more time watchin’ their dang kids," said Senator Strom Thurmond (R-SC) just before wetting himself. "I took abnormal psychology in college, and I know for a fact that if they’d been payin’ attention to the signs, they coulda got the leeches on those kids and sucked the evil spirits right on out."

Many policy-makers feel that a unilateral ban is a good idea, since government attempts to address any actual issues have met with little success. Shortly after the shootings, President Clinton implored lawmakers to enact stricter gun control laws, asserting, "If there’s one thing I know, it’s that inability to control your gun can get you into a whole mess of trouble. And do you know what they charge to steam clean carpets these days? It’s outrageous!"

Congressional Republicans, however, have mostly dismissed the idea as a bad one because it came from Bill Clinton.

Meanwhile, the news media has stated that the ban does little to root out the specific cause of the shooters’ actions, a task which could require extended coverage for several months, or at least until something else explodes or gets shot.

A recent MSNBC report posits, "What could have given Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold the idea to act out their societal aggressions in such a bloody and demonstrative manner? Why did Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold believe that their actions would secure the attention they were denied by their classmates? Now, with the untimely deaths of Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, we may never know. For more on this story, tune in to our twenty-four hour coverage of Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, where we will discuss their lives, their thoughts, and step-by-step instructions on how they made those remarkable backpack bombs."