WARNING: The following article contains the word "PUBIC", so if you do not like reading obscene words such as "PUBIC" then you should probably quit reading now to avoid the shock of reading the word "PUBIC". Thank you.

What the Hell is Hissing in My Toilet?

A Guide to the Flora and Fauna of the Bachelor Pad

Long has the unique habitat of the Southern California Bachelor (Lonelian hornius) been shrouded in mystery. This is mainly because the average bachelor environment, commonly known as the "pad" or "reeking hole", carries a stench that could kill cattle. Recently, however, a team of brave anthropologists, armed with gas masks and a can of industrial-strength Lysol, entered a pad (namely, mine) and discovered a delicate ecosystem of plants and animals never before seen by the outside world. Here is an (abbreviated) report of what they found:

The Common Mutant Cockroach (Elegans bigmofo):

We begin our discussion here because this pad-dweller bears the most resemblance to something seen in the outside world. This creature may have once been a normal, garden-variety cockroach. Somewhere along the line, however, it quadrupled in size and developed the ability to hurl stale Cheerios with deadly accuracy from a distance of twenty meters. This, coupled with its frightening tendency to roar at volumes upwards of ninety decibels, render it virtually unkillable, so the bachelor has simply learned to live with it. In fact, they have developed a remarkable symbiotic relationship: the bachelor eats in an extremely messy manner, leaving chunks of frozen pizza snacks and ramen strewn across the apartment for the roach to eat; the cockroach, in turn, refrains from laying eggs in the bachelor's underwear. Anyone who has ever had a roach egg hatch in his shorts will appreciate the beauty of this arrangement.

The Drain-Dwelling Pube Shrub (Groinus pluggus):

It is a little-known fact that pubic hair, especially of the bachelor ilk, is extremely malicious. Though seemingly insensate, it actually enjoys hanging out on the underside of bars of soap and toilet seats for the simple pleasure of popping out at you when you least expect it. This wouldn't be a problem if we could somehow identify the source of the offending pube, but people have a strange aversion to touching other people's pubes. They have no problem touching their own pubes, as is evidenced by the number of bachelors that can spend nigh-on hours at a time scratching their nuts… but I digress. The point is that pubic hair is delinquent, and for this reason any large conglomeration of pubes should be considered extremely dangerous.

This is the case with the pube-shrub. The beast begins small, as just a few isolated hairs floating around the tub. Soon, however, the hairs will encounter each other, form a gang, and head down to the drain where they will loiter in wait for an unsuspecting victim. When the bachelor enters the shower, the pube-shrub refuses to allow water to pass by. This affords the bachelor only two options: A) remove a slimy mass of crotch hair from the drain with his bare hands, or B) stand knee deep in a pool of his own grime and, probably, jism. Attempting to separate the hairs is not an option. They are bound together by one of the strongest forces known to men, stronger even than the force that compels ninety year old men to wear Bermuda shorts with black socks. Most bachelors muster enough courage to gingerly pick up the shrub, only to be so repulsed by the mucus-like texture that they heave it against the wall of the shower. There it remains caked until the end of time or until the landlord chips it off the tiles with a chisel.

The Aromatic Floating Cobra (Turdus returnus): Rumor has it that the bachelor himself is somehow responsible for spawning these mysterious toilet-dwellers. A tenacious creature by nature, it resists any attempt to do away with it and the foul reek associated with it. The wily beast will hide for an extended period in cavernous rear of the bowl, only to return and bob to the surface several hours later. Attempts have been made to destroy the cobra with the toilet brush, but its individual bits return for vengeance and lead lives of their own. The bachelor often has no outlet but to leave the critter alone and use the public restrooms at the Mobil station.

The Five-month Old Copy of "High Society" at the Base of the Toilet (Papyrus jismus):

Never touch this. It has been soaked in nasty stuff.

At about this point, the anthropologists were ready to lose their lunch, so they decided it was time to leave. Pity. The really cool shit is growing in my kitchen.