i to i::2002::

12.31.02 Year of the Goth

It was the best of times and the worse of times. 2002 will go down as one of my best ever. I don’t think I’ve partied harder of lived life more to it’s fullest than I did this year. I made some friends and lost them as well. I had a girlfriend for the best six months of my life. She also dumped me for a 16yr old girl. Talk about a new low! even for me. How do you think that made me feel? A few tips for those of you dating bisexuals: beware of their ‘friends’ and get your threesomes out of the way early. Goddammit, no date and no sex on New Year's Eve, again! New Year’s always sucks-I should be used to it by now.
I do want to give Renzy credit for our amazing Closure Night, the reason I can still call her a friend. Needless to say, though, it’s time to go into Heartless Mode for a few months. I have to figure things out while admitting that our breakup was also my fault.
I ask myself where are the words that used to come out of my head like a leaky faucet? and still, sometimes all I want to do is get drunk, pick up my guitar and write a song about a girl. What’s wrong with that? Except there are already too many songs about girls who’ve left broken hearts in their wake. All true art comes from pain, that's why I can't stop creating. Happy New Year.

It’s colder than before
The seasons took all they had come for.
Now winter dances here,
seems so fitting don’t you think
Dressed the ground in white and grey?

It’s so quiet I can hear
my thoughts touching every second, that I spent, waiting for you.
Circumstances afford me, no second chance to tell you
how much I’ve missed you

My Beloved do you know when the warm wind comes again
Another year will start to pass?
And please don’t ask me why I’m here
Something deeper brought me than the need to remember

We were once young and blessed with wings
No heights could keep us from their reach
No sacred place we did not soar.

Still greater things burn within us
I don’t regret the choices that I made
I know you feel the same.

My Beloved do you know
How many times I stared at clouds, thinking that I saw you there?
These are feelings that do not pass so easily
I cannot forget what we claimed as ours

Moments lost though time remains
I am so proud of what we were
No pain remains, no feeling
Eternity awaits.

Grant me wings that I might fly
My restless soul is longing
No pain remains, no feeling

Eternity awaits.

-© VNV Nation -

Song of the day (dedicated to Renzy): VNV Nation- "Beloved"

12.26.02 "Let the bodies hit the floor"

In my 27yrs of life I had never eye-witnessed the horror that is Kareoke. That is until last night. When I got home, Fuzzy and Adam were on their way out to meet some friends at Ernie’s. Never one to turn down a Christmas night of drinking, I accepted. However, only on the condition that Fuzzy come out the following evening for Goth Night. It was agreed and we made our way to Shea/Scottsdale roads. On the same strip that my hairdresser is located we found the spot packed with Xmas Drunks. We made our way inside and found his friends. I got my drink but all the seats were gone, I left the group to enter the warmer bar. Inside some guy was belting out "Bodies" in kareoke fashion. This was later followed by home-grown interpretations of Dixie Chicks (if you can consider that ‘music’), UB40 and ABBA. I was actually having a good time watching tone-deaf people sing in public. Adam and I headed home to the Xmas tradition of smoking out. This is the stuff hazy memories are made of.

Which Sesame Street Muppet's Dark Secret Are You?
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Song of the day: Drowning Pool - "Bodies"

12.25.02 bleached pachyderms

I guess people don’t know me, as much as they claim to do. I may sound like an ingrate, but what I give is always better than what I receive. Last year I gave Nitty a candle/candle-holder from Pottery Barn, she gave me a fucking home-made cake. Ok, she’s a jew-so I shouldn’t have expected much. But this year, the packages have been better than the gifts. Metal "mind teasers" from my cheap-ass, $100k-a-year boss? Elizabeth’s "latin music" cd? (though I must admit, I forgot to get her something). Cologne I don’t wear and a book I wouldn’t read by my Renzy’s mother? Her original gift would’ve been so much better. Let us not forget my "gracious" grandfather who sent my siblings $50 each and sent me nothing. Even my friends let me down, I mean I love Elsa, but a gift-certificate to the Gap? The Gap is the poor man’s Banana Republic! At least I have plenty of gifts for the White Elephant party.

Song of the day: Blink 182 - "I won’t be home for Christmas"

12.22.02 Family Boredom

My siblings are back in town. It’s been fun being back together again though our weekend was boring. Shopping, eating, shopping, movies, did I mention shopping? Come to think of it, this whole week sucked, Friday’s co-worker get together ended too early, Saturday my ‘date’ ended in three hrs (as it turns out, for no particular reason), and today it was Costco and Movies. Now, I do have my Christmas break this week. Yay, A WHOLE week of boredom!

What Alcoholic Drink Are You?
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Song of the day: Tear Garden - "In Search of my Rose"

12.19.02 The Illusive Male Fantasy

Perhaps I’ve been victim to too many scenario’s in books, tv and movies. It’s never so simple, never quite so easy, at least when it comes to me. Since the days of Sims, I’m always almost there. Just one person away. Close enough to revel in the fantasy, but never near enough to experience it. It’s always "I’ll do it, if you find someone else" this of course is only in the condition that a) she is willing and able to do both of us and b) we both find her sexually attractive.
Even with a willing bi/curious girlfriend (requirement #1) you’ll be surprised how hard it is to find a threesome partner.

What type of vampire are you?
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Song of the day: Dead or Alive - "Brand New Lover"

12.17.02 "Patron Saint to troubled teens"

Two hours of Tori, twenty-four songs; transcendent. Trying to coordinate tickets and schedules, not so much. By the time my brother and I reached Gammage auditorium, I had made no less than 20 calls trying to get tickets exchanged. Worse of all, I think I ‘gave’ away better seats than the ones I got. For some reason I always get some fucked up seating assignment during Tori Amos shows. Last night my 10am/presale tickets on "Tier A" were nothing more than euphemised balcony seats! Goddamn it! I can’t believe I paid that much for those seats. All because we had to get four seats together! *note to self, never do that again*
Things got better when the show began, Howie Day put on a great, if albeit short set. Tori took the stage and completely mesmerized the crowd. It was an incredible performance.

Song of the day: Trebel Charger - "American Psycho"

12.13.02 "Girl comes undone"

Which Tori Amos Song are you?
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This is my song to you. The perfect song to describe what I was telling Renzy last night/this morning. She seemed so downtrodden from her horrible day. First her cellphone was stolen, her "best friend" psycho-bitch completely abandoned their friendship, then she had a bad acid-trip, and no one stood up for her. She cares too much and drowns in her ocean-sized heart. ‘Best Friend’-ships are so overrated, I really don’t see why she keeps them. Especially since everyone has to walk on eggshells to please that popcorn buttering/ticket selling cunt. She is so head-over-heels she can't see past those that have been there for her the last dozen years. Renzy doesn’t need her, she doesn’t need anyone, she can make it on her own. As much as she wants to kill her feelings, I don’t think she can. Whatever doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger, darling.
You’ve "been everybody else’s girl, maybe one day you’ll be you own"

Which Tori Amos album are you?
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PS: don’t you love it when you take a quiz and the next thing you know all your friends and enemies have it on their website/blog?

Song of the day: Tori Amos - "a sorta fairytale"

12.10.02 "hollow consciousness"

ok, so maybe taking a double-dose of NyQuil before work wasn’t the smartest of ideas. I followed that with two Tylenol Cold caplets that Christina gave me. Hmm, I’m feeling loopy and somewhat happy. If I could only feel this way without over-the-counter stuff, life would be grand. To the point I would use the word ‘grand’ to describe my life.
In other news, my sister's new/ex boyfriend might break up with her and she's in chaos or in her terms an "emotional wreck". as much as i love my sister, her need to be with someone sickens me. Say it with me females, the world DOES NOT revolve around your significant other! if you can't be happy with yourself, you'll never be happy. Enjoy the silence, dears, enjoy it!

Which Depeche Mode song are you?
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Song of the day: A Perfect Circle- "The Hollow"

12.08.02 Youth *is* wasted on the young

What goes around, comes around. Bitch.
Granted, it was my fault. I equate this to inviting someone to a party, and having them become guest of honor. Fair enough, I’ll give you credit for gaining her friendship whilst betraying mine. Spending time trading barbs and comments to seek the approval of our host. Unfortunately, she has a bigger heart than either one of us deserves.
You may say you are "in love" but child, you have neither the life experience or the ability to understand ‘love’. Why don’t you grow up? Go lose your virginity someone else besides my girlfriend. In the mean time, take a number and wait in line like everyone else.

Which Garbage Song Are You?
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Song of the day: Garbage- "Queer"

12.05.02 Saner than you

Yesterday, an Arcadia girl died in a car crash. This morning my boss intended pulling Elsa and myself to help the school counsel the kids. We had a huge report though, which saved us from doing that. I’m really not good at feigning sympathy. Just look at these scores:

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Very High
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Very High
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Click Here To Take The Test --

it’s all just a matter of degrees, anyway. I’m still more normal than most people I know. Besides I’m Armand, dammit!

Which Anne Rice Vampire Are You?
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Song of the day: Fiona Apple- "Across the Universe"

12.04.02 silence is golden

It’s always the same, eventually all the four-hour conversations will become a ‘hello/goodbye’ sentence in the same breath. Everything there was to know has already been told. Everything you wanted or needed to learn, is known. The long streches of uncomfortable silence punctuate every second. To be relieved by an "old" or stolen *oops* I mean, "new" friend at the other end. A novelty, someone that’s more entertaining and a bigger priority that you can be.
It’s always the same, in the end.

Song of the day: Placebo- "Leni"

12.02.02 "No one’s home"

As quickly as it arrived, it left. My four-day weekend is sadly over. It was filled with eating, shopping, and christening my new Burgerqueen size bed.
However, I think all I picked up this weekend was a nasty cold. I’m sore, achy and woozy. On top of that, i only have ghetto-kleenex, (ie toiletpaper) for my sniffly nose. Life sucks.

Song of the day: Faster Pussycat- "House of Pain"

11.30.02 Bleed Like Wine

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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Today and every single time I lie to myself it just feels more and more right. Like making up fake promises and not going through with them still makes my bitter, cold heart feel warmer.
Call me what you will. The reality is that I will not edit my thoughts, feelings or words for anyone. I will not change who I am to fit someone else’s paradigm. If you don’t like it, the door is behind you.

What Nine Inch Nails song are you?
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Song of the day: Oasis- "Wonderwall"

11.28.02 unthanksgiving

I have plenty of things to be thankful for this year, and every day. However, one thing that I am not thankful for, is the two hours stolen off my life watching ‘solaris’. Rare is the time I walk out of a movie and ask myself or whoever is next to me "what the hell was that?" What a horrible movie, probably the worst I’ve seen all year. This movie is up there, or should I say down there with ‘astronaut’s wife’ and ‘battlefield earth’. Avoid this flick like the plague.

Song of the day: Sigur Ros- "syndir guðs (opinberun frelsarans)"

11.25.02 tis NOT the season

I haven’t seen my father or my roommate for two days. It’s definitely been a good weekend.
I've tucked away my complaints for a while. I made forth with an issue and this time might stick through it more than three days. This is merely conjecture, mind you.
*Sigh* (ever notice how much I sigh?)
I can’t believe Christmas is only a month away, the Starvation Army Bell Ringers told me so. I haven’t bought gifts for anyone just yet. Except for myself, I’ve been going through my paycheck like a retiree spending their kid’s inheritance. Which is good, cause it’s my money, dammit! Though I suppose I should be thinking of others around this time. So hard to do when you’re used to thinking of yourself first.
Sigh.

Which Smashing Pumpkins album are you?
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Song of the day: Vast- "Touched"

11.23.02 party of two and a half

"oh look at me in my fancy car and my bank account,
oh how I wish I could take it all, down to my grave.
God knows I’d save and save."
-Dave Matthews-
Caught up with roxiedarling last night. Just like old times without the cloves. There’s nothing like hanging out with an old friend. Someone you can trust, who won't stab you in the back and tell their new-found best friend about it. Old friends can see past the bullshit and pretenses because they know you too well. They know the iced tea from the jack daniels in your bottle. Roxie and I shared stories over dinner at Chilly’s, we’ve been through a lot and most of it was each other’s faults (ha, ha!).
It’s been a good couple of days, I almost feel like being nice to people.
Yeah, almost.
alviebaby

Song of the day: Dave Matthews Band- "#41"

11.19.02 soft-driven Oblivion

It’s not my fucking day! I've had tons of work all day, and I just broke my Montblanc! Goddammit, $250 of my mom’s money down the drain. I also tried to ‘update’ the AIM software on my mac. However it was the exact same one I already had but I lost all my icons. I’m quite depressed. My only saving grace is tonight’s Tool concert.

What Final Fantasy summon are you?
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Song of the day: Third Eye Blind- "Losing a Whole Year"

11.18.02 "promises to melt the ice"

If my answers frighten you, stop asking scary questions.

Song of the day: Numb- "Blood"

11.16.02 so late, it’s early

I can’t belive Ngoc woke me up at 10am on a Saturday! Doesn’t she know the 12 O’Clock rule? I swear some people! I’m making her take me out to lunch next week to make up for her lack of courtesy. I’m still exhausted since I woke up at 8am Friday morning and didn’t go to bed till 3:30am Saturday after dropping Renzy off.
We had to do our usual Saturday thing, Friday night because her ‘band’ is performing tonight. Knowing where I am on the totem pole, I had switch nights. We found ourselves at Requiem’s after-hours event. Obviously only the most dedicated had stuck around after last-call. The thin but devoted crowd danced to the gothic/industrial music while the freaks lashed each other in the S&M section of the bar. My eyelids increased in weight with every minute that passed only being jolted awake by the gothyfabulous mix in my car. On my way back, I trailed Adam by a carlength as he too was driving like a bat out of the westside at 3am.
We caught up with each other for a few before crashing out, my bed has never felt so good.

What kind of porno would you star in?
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Song of the day: Beborn Beton- "Another World"

11.14.02 spend a dollar, save a penny

Last night I tried to pay my celli online, but the Sprint website didn’t allow me to pay there. I sent them an email because inquiring minds wanted to know. So, trying to save a stamp, I called *2 line and paid my bill through the phone. Today I got my email reply-apparently now they charge $5 to use to phone payment option! I was charged five bucks to save a 37¢ stamp? Goddamn them! Woe be to you Sprint PCS you have made an enemy today and you just made my LIST!
Speaking of things that just infuriate the hell out of me. Me and my coworkers Elsa and Gloria took Christina out to lunch for her Birthday. We ate at the Scottsdale Culinary Institute. Good company, excellent food, nice ambience, and decent service. Everything was going ok, till the check arrived. It was placed directly in front of Gloria. Why is it restaurants AUTOMATICALLY assume that the male and/or the oldest person there will pick up the check? I fucking hate that, are females too good to pick up the check every once in a while?
I took the quiz, I’m a sexy boy dammit, I deserve to be treated as such!

Which sexy boy are you
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Song of the day: Counting Crows- "Around Here"

11.12.02 where I go, bad luck follows

You%20are%20The%20Nightmare%20Before%20Christmas!

What Disney Movie Are You?
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Son of a bitch! I can’t believe I missed the Crüxshadows show at the Mason Jar last week! Dammit, that’s my favorite Goth band. Those stupid Jar bastards didn’t adverstise it, how was I to know? Worse yet, it’s not like I was doing anything better that night. I put the blame squarely on The Jar for not letting me know, and my bad luck as well.
It’s a sad and mopey day for us all.

What kind of Goth would you be?
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I am 59% Goth

Oh My Goth! You Goth, Girl. Freakiness pumps through my viens, but I can still laugh at myself.

Take the Goth Test at fuali.com

Song of the day: Crüxshadows- "Tears"

11.07.02 Snobby Condiment(?)

So rumor has it, Janitor Mike, thinks I’m a snob because I don’t talk to him. How silly is that? He thinks I’m a snob? I AM a snob. But that’s not why I don’t "talk to him" we just have nothing in common, not because I think he’s "low class". He also didn’t give me a cookie, so shouldn’t assume shit. Lest logic concludes such thinking makes him a snob as well.
In other ‘work’ news, I have to audit my lovely high school, Arcadia, next week. They’ve been seriously screwing up on some kids and compliance issues. My boss is on top of that school like a homo on a hotdog.
Unfortunately, *I’m* the ketchup.

Song of the day: Joy Division- "Transmission"

11.05.02 gunpowder and votes

Before you ask-no, I didn’t vote. That’s only for people who actually believe they can change the world. You know, the hopeful types (apparently, a few of those still exist). I’ve been busy working, life really sucks when you have to work for your money. I’ve been interviewing people, had meetings and made packets all day. I’m exhausted and it’s only Tuesday. Eep! it’s Guy Fawkes Day! Holy hell, I didn’t send out my Guy Fawkes Day cards.
And NO PEOPLE, he is not a character from Queer as Folk!

Song of the day: Better Than Ezra- "At the Stars"

11.01.02 signs of a good time

My bleary, bloodshot eyes still sting from mascara. I’m exhausted, my eyelids weigh a ton, I guess that means last night was pretty good.
I got to Renzy’s house around 6:30ish, she was dressed as Betty Page from Jungle Queen. In other words, wearing a wig and little else with only a bra and "loin cloth" panties. Her gay friend was dressed as Gothic Dorothy, complete with ruby slippers, stockings and dress. We had dinner at Bobby McGee’s, some SheDevil waitress walked up to our table as said "ooh there’s my devil man, the pimp devil" and just flirting with me. Renzy got extremely jealous and gave her dirty looks the rest of the night. Darren (Goth Dorothy) got ‘somewhere over the rainbow’ serenated to him by waiter with a guitar. and left to that ghetto Spectrum mall for the RHPS. We simply followed the line of freaks headed that way. Anyway, Rocky was a waste of time, the show supposedly started at 9pm, but it didn’t even start till a quarter to 10 and THAT was just the pre-show. I stayed for the opening ‘wedding’ scene and left for Anderson’s. I got there a little after 11pm and the place was absolutely packed. I don’t think I’ve ever seen it that full. A lot of gothgirlies in domme get ups, black angels, a she devils. Adam (donning his vampire pimp costume) and Anthony were there playing pool. We dranked and talked while I applied more lipstick (Revlon’s Cherry Jubilee) and searched around for a the gothic-cliché clove. Some lady liked my outfit and said I deserved candy for it while handing me a handful. I’d have to agree.

Song of the day: Ministry- "Everyday is Halloween"

10.31.02 "Tasting heaven perfectly"

It’s Halloween, I should be enjoying tonight without worries and responsibilities. However, tomorrow I have two (count them: 2!) meetings with my boss!
Who the hell assigns work, tests, midterms or meetings for the day afterHalloween?
I’m going to be all hung-over and sleep deprived. Sadistic, joyless bastards. I condemn them to a life of herpes ridden blow up dolls!

Song of the day: God Module - "Illusion"

10.27.02 Devilicious

sunday afternoon finds myself bored to tears. However, these moments of ennui beat the utterly mind numbing-experience of sitting at Modified Arts last night. I was there to see Renzy’s band perform but i was too tired and pissed to make it past the opening acts. Way too emo! A dopey fat guy who couldn't play guitar or sing opened the show. Later, some weezer wanna-be's called Sugarland Run took the stage. That was all i could take. Deserted as I had been all night, I decided to leave that place before i fell asleep. First dinner with her sister’s at Black Angus, then this, on *our* date night! Now "the band" is upset with her and they hate me. Not that I give a rat’s squirt of piss about the latter.
This was a far cry compared to friday night at Keystone Mortgage’s 7th annual Halloweenie Party. I looked hellapimp, if I do say so myself. I had the Marilyn Manson black suit/black shirt/red tie outfit. Accentuated with devil horns, gothy-fabulous shades, and enough make up to make a drag proud. I even had my Montblanc pen for people to sign away their souls. No takers though my ‘angel with a twist’ Christina did manage to snatch something for herself. Darkness does have its benefits.

Song of the day: VNV Nation- "Epicentre"

10.24.02 Innocence of Nonsense

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I hate being the only male at the office. For some reason females equate the word "male" with the word "slave". All this week, I’ve been asked (however politely) to carry, push, or pull boxes, tables or file cabinets. I am getting so sick of that shit.
Here’s a tip, walk around carrying a piece of paper, you’ll automatically look busy.
I’ve learned very quickly to stop saying "I’m free" or "I don’t have anything to do" because people WILL (happily and readily) give you their responsibilities.

Song of the day: Toto- "Africa"

10.21.02 "paint it black"

God, the day is long when you wake up at 6!
I hate Monday’s, I never get enough sleep, and my day isn’t even close to being done. I got to run to meet Renzy for dinner at 7pm. She squeezed me in, between hanging out with her bandmate and coffee with her ex. I can’t believe it’s already the twenty-first. This year is just flying by. With Halloween quickly approaching, it’s time to think about decorating in a gothy-fabulous sort of way. Granted, I don’t own the house I live in, so I really can’t do much. However, for those lucky few that do, or those who’s parents will let them get away with it they should take advice from Gothic Martha Stewart. It’s better than Trading Spaces, home décor for spooky kids!

Song of the day: Enigma- "Sadeness (p1)"

10.18.02 too much thinking

Ever look around to see where you are and realized you’ve been there before? It’s not ‘deja vous’, it’s a feeling of being in a situation or conditioned you have faced before. This, however, does not mean you can handle the situation as you did before. I guess this week of ‘thinking’ hasn’t lead to any new self-discoveries. Jejune (I love that word) afternoons of video-game playing. I’m still the 27yr old shell of a 12yr old boy who is never satisfied.

Song of the day: Wumpscut- "Christfuck"

10.15.02 kill your television

Tonight Renzy and I are going to the Jar. It should be interesting though I not nearly as good as Anderson's. Ok, don’t ask why, but last night Adam and I spent the evening watching stupid competition dating shows. Followed by the King of White Trash, Jerry Springer in an episode where a trailer park woman had sex with her daughter. And the daughter liked it! What the hell is wrong with these people. It seems there are nothing but dating and judge shows on syndication. Children’s programming isn’t much better. Have you seen a show called ‘Veggietales’ ? It deals with morally righteous vegetables. Bible stories through the eyes of legumes. Man, if there’s something I hate, is a preachy vegetable.

Song of the day: Razed in Black- "Oh My Goth!"

10.11.02 Gloating Happiness

I got Tori Amos pre-sale tickets yesterday! This makes me happy.
Not that any of you care about my ever-fleeting moments of joy. However, I was hoping that your envy and jealousy would increase the length of my ephemeral pleasure. Sad, I know, but genuine.

Song of the day: Penal Colony - "Freemasons of Enochian Magick" (Front Line Assembly Remix)

10.10.02 if thoughts could kill

The French have an interesting term for ‘orgasm’ they refer to it as le petit morte or ‘little death’.
This brings to mind, Lullaby. As I read Chuck’s words I wonder what it would be like to kill people by merely thinking about it. God, I swear there would be miles of people dead from here to the 101. Every single day! It would come in handy, dangerously handy.

Song of the day: Heart- "If looks could kill"

10.06.02 the deep price of shallowness

You may be wondering where the hell I have been. Though, quite possibly not. It's Sunday night, my weekend comes to an end. Friday night at The Scorch sucked ass, even with Christina and Emad’s company. Jillian’s wasn’t much better though I did win shooting pool twice. Saturday night at the movies with Renzy. Somewhat mediocre film, though most are when compared to Silence of the Lambs. I just love the slow pace of Sunday. However, I hate the fact it all starts over again tomorrow. Another Monday, another week, another myriad of meetings. "take out your organizers, do this, do that, by the next meeting jawol! (can’t you just hear our heels clicking in unison?) Such is life and the price we pay for the finer things in life.

Song of the day: Bjork- "Army of Me"

09.30.02 Clueless in Seattle

So I found myself catching the red-eye to Seattle. No it wasn’t late night, I was just hung-over from me and Diaz's previous night’s bash at Anderson’s for at Area-51’s two year anniversary. My sleepy head awoke as the plane passed Mt. St. Helen’s. We arrived at Sea-Tac somewhat ahead of schedule. The airport is tiny compared to Sky Harbor so getting our bags wasn’t a big problem. All of this serendipitous fortune would not last for long. You see my at University of Washington bound sister had reserved the car but forgot the company we were renting from, finding this out after standing in the Alamo line for half an hour. Tired attempts continued at Hertz and Avis before deciding to forget the reservation and just get another car.
So finally, I get behind the wheel of Moby Dick (our rental white Chevy Blazer) and onto I-5 north to Seattle. Let me tell you, the Seattle freeways are the most confusing, driver-unfriendly, tourist terrifying interstate system I’ve ever driven. Most normal cities’ freeways have right-lane exits, not the ‘portal to the pacific’ they have, not only ‘right’ but ‘left’ lane exits. Lanes also end without a single warning. Eventually we covered the 26miles to reach the jammed NE 45ave to the UW campus. We perused the campus and the University District before trying to find our way (in rush hour no less!). The Crowne Plaza was the next stop, two hours behind schedule, my brother’s friend, Sophie, was waiting. After a break, we cruised the hilly-as-hell downtown for a place to eat. At Sophie’s suggestion, we went to a Seafood place near the pier. I wanted to go clubbing at The Vogue The next morning it was time to properly tour the metro area heading across the east bay to the Bellevue Square Mall (Seattle’s version of ‘scottsdale’). Then it was back to downtown to walk to the Farmer’s Market. I said ‘walk’, I’m from Arizona-people don’t walk here! I was so tired. I also found out you can get sun-burnt in Washington. Later we hopped on Moby and went across bridge to west seattle for sightseeing and dinner at Pegasus Pizza in the Alki area. After dinner we headed back downtown to do some shopping in the Westlake Mall. The three floors of Old Navy, the two story Kenneth Cole, NikeTown and Banana Republic were our stops. I also found the Hot Topic and even better the Tragedy at Living Dead Doll. Only one stop left, the landmark of Seattle, at The Space Needle remained. The emerald city is very interesting and visually contrasting, beautiful buildings on top of a very ugly infrastructure. The streets need new pavement and better road signs. Washington is also full of asians, more slanty eyes than a myopic convention.
The glitter has washed off the visions of my 90’s city of the decade. After this experience, I will never complain about Phx traffic again.

Song of the day: The Pixies- "Monkey gone to Heaven"

09.26.02 off to see the wizard

I’m exhausted, last night I had my training session and I didn’t get home till 6pm. I was still ecstatic that I had met Chuck Palahniuk the previous night. A very personable and eloquent man who is probably nursing a sore hand from autographing all those books. I even met the elusive Nikki which was cool but somewhat short. She still owes me my eyeliner! I met them both in all of my cold-sore glory. Icky. Today I have lunch plans with Renzy, later I’m going clubbing and tomorrow I leave for the emerald city. Which reminds me I need to start packing. See you Sunday.

Song of the day: Snoop Dogg- "Tha Shiznit"

09.24.02 In Chuck We Trust

Tonight, my favourite author Chuck Palahniuk, will be signing copies of his new book, "Lullaby" at the Changing Hands bookstore in Tempe. I’m supposed to meet Nikki there and get our copies autographed by the man himself. She owes me my birthday eyeliner, too! That should be worth missing the season opener of ‘Frasier’.

Song of the day: Nirvana- "Lounge Act"

09.20.02 Blacker than Black

Punk-ass Diaz abandoned me on last night’s Thursday madness. This allowed me time see and judge some of my fellow freaks. There were three mofo’s were wearing skirts. Wearing plaid skirts does not make them kilts. Even if they were kilts, they shouldn’t be worn to a goth-night. While we’re on the subject, as much as I love the Gothic culture, Gothic music and my Gothic girlfriend there are parts of it that get on my nerves.
First: The Mopey goths, you know, the woe-are-we types. Even though I can identify with self-detrimentality there is only so much I can take.
Second: The vampYre types, the kind who like to call people ‘children’ and claim to have lived for a millennia. A bit trite, don’t you think?
Let’s get this straight (repeat after me):
Wearing all-black, and smoking cloves does not make you Goth. Sleeping with Hot Topic employees for the discounts does not make you Goth.
Remember people, just because you dance in your underwear does not make you Madonna.

Song of the day: Tumor- "Come to Daddy"

09.18.02 Ever-growing list

I visited Elsa at Scottsdale Memorial this morning. I hate hospitals they have that sterilized smell of disease and death. Speaking of which, last night’s Bored *oops* I mean Board, meeting went very well. Not that you’re asking. They seemed impressed with our two and a half hour song and dance. Seemed being the operative word. Thank God children were there, otherwise we’d be occupying the last spot of the night. The Superintendent shook my hand telling me what a "wonderful presentation" our dept. had done. Of course I also fielded the usual question "what it is like to work with only women." In one word: Difficult. This isn’t just when they’re PMS-ing, There is Delight (boss #2) who wishes she could PMS, cause she’s going thru menopause. She insists on blasting the AC all the time to combat her hot-flashes. Erin (kiss-ass) sucks up to the boss and well, everyone that makes more money than she does. Jan and Sheila, who have delusions of grandeur hidden behind not-so-thin veils of resentment. The rest don’t get on my nerves. Well, most times.

Song of the day: The Vines- "Get Free"

09.11.02 Rants two for one

Yesterday was the janitor’s birthday. A fact he celebrated by buying the female staff cookies. Which of course left me S.O.L. Not that I want Janitor Cookies, but I’m talking about the principle here!
And, ok, what the hell is going on? for the second this week (and fourth time overall) I was asked by some random stranger if I worked at Safeway. Today it was by some goddamn geezer asking about the price on frozen peas, on Monday it was by some fucking teenager. I almost rammed the frozen peas (which were, in fact, on sale) up his ass!
Do I look like someone who would work at a fucking Safeway? More importantly, do people who work at Safeway wear Kenneth Cole and carry a $250 Mont Blanc pen? The answer is a resounding NO!!!
Some people need to be put out of their misery, and I’m the man for the job! Clean-up on aisle five.

Song of the day: Revolting Cocks- "Do ya think I’m sexy"

09.09.02 "Woke up to the sound of..."

Falling rain
there is something so magical and peaceful about opening your eyes to the pitter-patter of water on your roof. Just the kind of morning that you don’t want to spend at work. Of course, maybe because it never rains here. I slowly started my day and headed to my First Monday of the Month meeting. I swear those meetings are merely another opportunity to assign us yet more work! Now I have to do two presentations for the Scottsdale Board of Ed. next Tuesday at 7pm. Aren’t I lucky?
Then I got home and found TWO grey hairs. Shit.
Well, I hear a pair of tweezers calling, laters.

Song of the day: Skid Row- "I Remember You"

09.05.02 Not like DBZ dammit!

"I wonder what I would look like as a cartoon" I told my girlfriend as I watched ‘Waking Life’. It was a highly philosophical film made up of real actors in cartoon form. This movie pondered the ‘reality’ of reality. It suggested that since the brain has six to twelve minutes of activity after the rest of your body has died, we dream our reality in that span of time. In dream time, a minute lasts a lot longer than in waking time. A minute could therefore last a decade. How would we know?
Ever wake up and fall back asleep to dream something so long and vivid you’d swear it was real, only to awaken and see only 15min have passed?
Kinda makes you think.

Song of the day: Trans X- "Living in Video"

09.03.02 "backwards inside of me"

A lot of people fancy themselves as ‘writers’. Non sequitur notions of grandeur, it appears, the complex of those who can’t speak the words they think. Myself included. To what end? Other than catharsis to quell the voices in our head. We’ll continue to write our dime-a-dozen words for our sake and those who insist we should do this for a living (neverminding the fact they are not in the publishing business).

Song of the day: Apoptygma Bezerk- "Love Never Dies (part 1)"

08.26.02 Not my fucking day

What the hell man! I swear, bad luck follows wherever I go. I can run but I can’t hide and when it finds me, it likes to take a bite right out of my ass! The whole reason I bought a new car is so I wouldn’t have to put up with the shit my old car was giving me. So what happens? Last night I get in my car, turn the engine and NOTHING!
And it’s not like gel-pack batteries are easy to find at 9pm. This morning, I took my car to the VW people. I had to leave my beautiful black-as-my-heart Jetta for a goddamn rental. An ugly, white, untinted, american piece-of-crap Ford Escort.
Their monkey-asses just called me and stated it wouldn’t be ready till tomorrow! Ever the victim of circumstance, bad karma and evil luck.

Song of the day: Wheatus- "Teenage Dirtbag"

08.26.02 Peanut-Butter Rants

Our words are a glimpse in to our soul, into our essence. Don’t contemplate whether you should be reading these insignificant little blurbs. More importantly focus on whether you can relate to any of this minutiae. If you do, you may want to seek professional help or at least, get a webpage and join the revolution.
Because, I’m from the generation that brought cartoons to new levels. That’s right Baby-Cakes; cartoons, video games, computers and sugary teeth-rotting cereal with toys in the bottom! These are the contributions of *my* generation to society thus far. What happened to Saturday mornings in front of the TV eating Cookie Crisp?
Today, you’ve got crappy teen comedies featuring crappy teens in crappy teen ‘issues’. Not a single, freaking Robot in Disguise to be found on network television. Anyway, I want to watch animated animals living with human parents and causing mischief on my days off. Not Saved by The Bell-The 800th class. And would it hurt to throw in a Transformer or two?

Take the Radiohead Collective Member Test.
Song of the day: Radiohead- "Karma Police"

08.22.02 Animal magnetism

"If I was a muppet, I’d want his ass" Such were the words of wisdom spewed from the mouth of Renzy’s friend April. This happened moments after the post-coital bliss for our one-month anniversary. April’s mantra ran in my head as I pictured posters, coffee-mugs, and bumper stickers etched with her sagacity. This thought lasted through our Denny’s dinner (god, I hate that place) the incompetence of the wait-staff was even more evident than usual. I suppose we get what we pay for.

Song of the day: Sarah McClachan - " Possession"

08.21.02 steh auf!

Another morning in ‘The Cubicle’, I’m taking phone calls from people who should not have my number (damn you school directory!). My headphones are listening to the blissful sounds of my Panic Mix, wishing it was 10pm on Thurs night. Because, indeed, few things compare to it. I was reminded of this when I overslept my alarm from staying out way too late at the Bella Morte show. I have to stop going out during the week though. I’m so damn tired! I still have a meeting with the boss-lady this afternoon and all I want to do is sleep.

Song of the day: Rammstein- "Engle"

08.15.02 Itchy & Scratchy

I can’t believe my brother turns 21 today. How scary is that? Well, it’s scary to me, then again I scare easily. Tomorrow we’re going out to dinner, one of our last nights of hanging out before he goes back to school. Summer always ends too soon. Funny how the forgotten memories of Scrabble, Smash-Bros Melee and Mario-Kart afternoons are rekindled when the end comes near. PS: word to the wise-if you don’t want body hair WAX don’t shave! Goddamn I’m itchy!!!

Song of the day: Coldplay- "Don’t Panic"

08.13.02 Sunshine Blind

"You are such a cold-hearted bastard" Such is the note I received from Christina after a comment I made. This is what is surprising, I’ve been telling her and people in general I’m a heartless bastard for ages. Yet, they’re shocked when I’m the same way to them. As if I didn’t warn them or something.
Oh well, I don’t walk on eggshells for anyone.

sometimes perceived as an egomaniac, you bring joy to many remaining alt-rock fans. underneath your exterior lies the soul of a dreamer. Your fashion tastes may run to the bizarre and your friends may occasionally want to throw things at you, but all in all, you're a pretty decent person.
which pumpkin are you?

Song of the day: Wench- "Heart of Darkness"

08.06.02 Summer's Lament

*Sigh*, I miss writing. I miss having the time to write. I miss the feeling of self-importance I get by jotting down my daily thoughts, adventures and affirmations. I miss that tone of sweet sarcasm and forgotten adoration. I miss the time to myself when I could reflect on my day and spew it out in somewhat of a coherent matter. For my eyes only of course, and perhaps yours, if time allows.

Song of the day: Covenant- "Dead Stars (club mix)"

08.05.02 Warm my bullet with your mouth

I’m pissed, I’ve had a long day and nothing is going right. But when does it? WhatsHerName left our dept, which is good cause I didn’t get along with her. However, her duties fell onto the rest of us. More work for the same pay, just fucking terrific. If they are going to divide the work, why not divide the pay? I also have to speak at the teacher welcome meeting and do a training next month. Fuck! this sucks monkeys!
Although, my mom was nice enough to cheer me up by getting me a hellasweet Mont Blanc fountain pen.
Leave it to mom to brighten my day.

Song of the day: Garbage- "The trick is to keep breathing"

08.04.02 Quiz time

What's *Your* Sex Sign? Like we didn’t know that already? I’m Try-Sexual (I’ll ‘Try’ anything once).

What Velvet Goldmine character are you?

I guess Kim was right, I AM a Pretty-Boy.

If I were a

I would be:

LOU SAPPHIRE

take the Living Dead Dolls Test

I’m obviously evil.

You are Spaceman Spiff!
Zounds! You are the intrepid Spaceman Spiff, the engaging explorer ensconsed in an unending universe of exotic and evil extraterrestrials! You're brave, but you should give that dictionary a rest.
Take the What Calvin are You? Quiz by contessina_2000@yahoo.com!

Am I the only one that misses Calvin & Hobbes?

07.29.02 back to the grindstone

So the alarm rang, so the day began-I went back to work from my six-week vacation. My pager, business cards and cubicle: my home for the next 10 months. I had a somewhat productive day, cleaned up files, talked to co-workers and went to meeting. You know, I’ve forgotten just how long the day is when you wake up at 6am.

Song of the day: Poe- "Haunted"

07.25.02 the week that’s been

when was the last time I updated this thing? Over a week! That’s slackerish even for me. Well, what have I been up to? I lost a ‘semi’ girlfriend and gained a girlfriend. An actual real live, non-internet one, which hasn’t happened in three years. The past week, I’ve mostly, I’ve been seeing Renzy and clubbin’-which I’ve always done. I partyed with Francis last week and he was supposed to Flash up my page, but as you can see, he hasn’t done it yet.
I also start working again bright and early Monday morning, I’m actually looking forward to it, as my cash supply is low. We’re talking adam-lane low.

Song of the day: Pink Floyd- "Comfortably Numb"

07.16.02 five and half minute hallway

I hate eBay! I really shouldn’t go there anymore. It’s too tempting for those with plastic. I always see stuff that I want but can’t afford and have lived without all my life. I’m perfectly fine not having it, yet I want it! Especially the ‘Hattie and Hazel’ Livingdeaddolls and the Macintosh Powerbook. I should take up a collection, but who would I ask for money? I only know broke ass mofo’s like you.
Well, I need to beautify myself before going to The Jar with Renzy. She wants to do my make-up and get me all ‘gothyfabulous’. Well, let’s hope.

Song of the day: Ben Harper- "Waiting on an Angel"

07.14.02 The Truth

The reality is, that if I’m picky, I can reject them before they reject me. Which they will given the chance, they surely will. My standards are high so few, if anyone/anything, can meet them. It suits me fine, don't you think? I protect my eggs by walking on eggshells, if that makes any sense to you.

Song of the day: Absurd Minds- "Deception"

07.10.02 Another endless *sigh*

I don’t care who you are, at some point you just stop trying. You stop trying because you stop caring.
Because you’re tired of sitting around waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because words can only do so much. Because the seas are filled with (poison) fish but my hook is baitless. Because forever is a long time to wait. Simply, because present pain is lesser, than the pain the future will bring.
It still hurts, but it’s a pain I’m used to.
The ‘hopeless romantic’ is now just "hopeless".
The bitter cynic that becomes me will assassinate any feelings it finds outside of anger and jealousy, at least those he hasn’t killed already.
Isn’t this the way he’s always been?

Song of the day: Howie Day- "Ghost"

07.07.02 but of course

You're a break-up song from the point of view of a pretty screwed up person. You were in the Cruel Intentions soundtrack, which turned most of the people who didn't hear about you in '96 thanks to 'Nancy Boy' towards you. You're the ultimate 'life after the party' type song - bitter and cynical. Don't worry, though; life can get better if you try very hard.

I LOVE that song. Yay me!
Take the fuckin' wonderful "Which Placebo song are you?" test created by amm, and browse through Random Blasphemies. Because I said so.

Song of the day: Placebo- "Every You Every Me"

07.06.02 don't smirk next time

I went to the Scottsdale library today, there’s not point in asking why. I was following a young honey with delicious curves down the new book isle. I stopped before she pegged me for a stalker though. Anyway a homely, fat woman speaking to herself sighed "god, I can’t believe they don’t proofread these things." Sure enough, she came up to show me how the library had missed some grammatical mark on a book review pamphlet. I shrugged, smirked and walked away, yeesh, what the hell did she want? A fucking conversation? A pat on the back because she knew her grammar? *note to self, spinsters are alone for a reason, IGNORE them*
Fuck I hate public places, I hate the public period.

Song of the day: The Charlatans UK- "The Only one I know"

07.02.02 mmm, crayola

The smell of melted crayons. I close my eyes and inhale, that’s what the inside of my car smells like. I don’t know why I decided to share that with you. I got a new phone too. It’s called useless knowledge people, we’re all full of it.

Song of the day: Air- "Playground Love"

06.27.02 Go fuck yourselves

I need to get a haircut, when i spike it up, i'm beginning to look like a character from Dragonball-Z. Not good.
On an unrelated topic, avoid San Francisco it's filled with nothing but cunts (of course, not cool blondes from Walnut Creek) who have nothing better else to do with their time (like writing song for their crappy band) than read irrelevant, four year old posts. Especially when all their crap has been burnt in a voodoo/blackmagic/pagan altar (Santa Ria you're the greatest).
Get a fucking life losers or better yet, get RAPED and DIE!

Song of the day: 110- "Rapture"

06.25.02 Burning

Arizona in flames, the forest rage in a firestorm. It’s quite an eerie sight. The ashen sky glows red as 300,000+ acres have gone turned to cinders. People evacuate their trailers in piss-poor towns like Show Low. the kind of one-horse town only truckers needing to piss or gas up stop. The fragility of life is shocking sometimes.

Song of the day: Avril Lavigne- "Complicated"

06.20.02 Sinner in Sin City

stuck in the back of a Ford Expedition with two annoying, 11yr old girls for 7hrs (14 if you count the trip back). However, it was worth it. It was about damn time I had an out-of-town vacation. We checked in at the MGM Grand on the Lucky 13th floor, and walked the strip in 112º degree heat. I think I tanned (dammit!).
I didn’t ‘win’ big, but I didn’t lose big either. I came back with $8 less than what I went with. Not bad. In one of my last tries, I put 75¢ in and won $38.50.
Las Vegas has a very ‘beggarish’ quality. It reeks of desperation, A city that lives and dies from its tourist’s money. IIt does have a good nightlife, for tourists anyway. ’d never want to live there.
After the slots, Christina and I headed to Studio 54 a hellanice club. My type of establishment, the kind with a dress code, velvet rope AND club-dancers (I tipped some chick a dollar for shaking her sexy ass in my face as I ordered our Tom Collins’) . The line was huge and the drinks were expensive. By the time we left, it was about 2:30 and there were people still trying to get in there. We were just ripped. We could barely walk back to our room.
I didn’t get much sleep, I didn’t get much to eat, I spent too much money. Vegas will do that to you.

Song of the day: Nelly- "Hot in Herre"

06.17.02 High Rollin’

After the shitty treatment my hoopty gave me on Saturday. I decided it was about time for a new one. Sunday I went car shopping, I always seem to do this during the summer in 110º heat. Smart me, eh?
I spent some time in scottsdale lots five min from my house before heading over to the icky part of town-the innercity. I found myself in the Camelback VW lot. I was looking for a black Jetta as new as 2000 but no older than ‘99. I test-drove a hellasweet model (sunroof, 6 cd changer) the whole-nine. When we got back to the dealership they informed me it was already sold. FUCKING TEASERS! I ended up with another black one, a few more miles, not sunroof or cd changer. It was a few hundred less though I did get ‘em to include a free tint job. Now I get the "fahrvernuggen" of a kraut-kar (sieg heil german engineering)

Song of the day: James- "Say Something"

06.14.02 Playboy Mommy

So how drunk was I last night? Drunk enough to talk to goth-goddess again. Hell, drunk enough to buy her a drink.
ME: You know Krissy, you’re the best dancer in this place.
Krissy: *smiles * Well, Thank you. What’s your name again?
ME: I’m Alvaro (we shake hands) You’re honestly half the reason I come to this place. Watching you dance makes my Thursday nights.
Krissy: *laughs * I guess that means I don’t look like a fool out-there.
ME: Oh, not at all. Hey, can I buy you a drink?
Krissy: Sure! I’ll follow you.
ME: What do you want?
Krissy: A Long Island
* I order two Long Islands and give one to her* Krissy: Thank you. ME: I missed you last Thursday
Krissy: I couldn’t get a sitter
Me: How is your child? (as if I cared)
Krissy: I have two, they’re ok
Me: Good, good. What do you do when you’re not here?
Krissy: I’m a full-time mommy. Hey I’m going to check out what’s playing on the other side.
ME: Well it was nice talking to you
Krissy: Nice talking to you too, and thanks for the drink. ME: You’re more than welcome. *sly smile * as I touch the small of her sexy back.
So she doesn’t have a child, she has TWO! Shit, now I fully understand that she’s off limits. This morning I drowned my sorrows with a midterm and some serious cd shopping. Still it was nice to dream.
Enjoy your weekend.

Song of the day: Teenage Fanclub- "Sparky’s Dream"

06.13.02 pink shades of dillusion

Which Trainspotting Character Are You? My "responsibilities" have prevented me from writing. I really hate that. I especially hate getting phone-calls to ‘remind’ me to turn in my lessons. WTF, lessons are due when the class ends, they don’t need ‘em now. Still, The world still glimmers through rose-colored lenses. Afterall, it’s Thursday night. what more do I need?

Song of the day: Sparklehorse- "Apple Bed"

06.08.02 "twenty-five past eternity"

I had a very interesting day yesterday. After some shocking and unexpected news, I got to hang out with Renzi. Her ‘damn sexy self’ had agreed to meet me for coffee. I trekked the 20+ miles to her house, picked her up and headed to the Willow House. We chatted, and listened to Tori Amos. It was a very cool night the likes of which I haven’t experienced in years. Oh yeah, I have one more thing to say: the Teletubbies are fucking scary! What kind of teenage-stoner thought up of this crap? I don't know if they are adults, or midgets or kids in costumes. They freaked me out! Just thinking about them gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Song of the day: David Grey- "Nightblindness"

06.04.02 Eight hours to freedom

Glory Be! Summer’s here! life is good!
My files have been filed and my pager has been returned. Vacation has started-woo hoo! Time to decompress and relax. To complain about daytime television and having nothing to complain about. I’m leaving to Vegas for a couple of days in two weeks. I’m planning on breaking the bank and winning some summer ‘club cash’. As I’m planning on clubbin’ three times a week totaling $60 a week. $60x6 weeks off equals $360 (give or take $100) for a whole summer’s worth of clubbin’. Include two months of: rent/utilities ($900), food ($500), clothes/entertainment ($500), gas ($90), insurance ($150), cellphone ($80) = $2580.
This concludes our Bachelor Math session for today. I hope I can win something
One more thing, ‘pass the Courvoisier’!

Song of the day: Felix Da Housecat- "Silver Screen Shower Scene"

06.01.02 reach out and touch someone

You know that 'special feeling' you get when a DJ spins a song you requested which makes the whole room dance? Yeah, you know what i'm talking about. How quickly that can be taken away; say around 8am adam and his friends came home from their trip and woke me up. Goddamn them! I had stayed up till 4am. i didn't need to hear their fucking stories at that time, I NEEDED to sleep! Dammit, my pre-vacation vacation is over. No more running around the house naked I am pissed!.
Especially after last night, too much fucking drinking involved. I had originally gone to anderson’s to meet up with vanessa. The goth-girl cutie (christina’s friend), I had met the night before. She said i was "cute" and could "work it" on the dancefloor. I don’t know if I was drunk or what on thur's-night cause she didn’t look quite as cute as she did then. Though she already had a couple of guys talking to her. So it’s back to the drawing board-my favorite spot
. Anyway, Anderson’s is deader than disco on fridays, no wonder they don’t charge cover. I decided to leave and head to Requiem/Incognito bar’s version of goth night. not nearly as good as thurs-nights but few things are. Either way, I went home at one. Finished the rest of the citron vodka and began my depressive phone call rants to my friends.
BTW, I apologize for that, but that’s why you’re my true friends,
right?

Song of the day: Rasputina- "Watching TV"

05.30.02 Fun with my Frustration

Passing by a love that’s passed away. The older I get, the pickier I get. I already know I’m going to die alone, so I might as well have a reason for it. Fuck settling.
*I* am a good thing. If some girl cannot see that, it’s her loss. Perhaps someone else will or maybe not (afterall, I’m not psychic). Either way, relationships are fucking whores!
(I’ve been talking to Nikki too long, picking up her terminology.)

Song of the day: scheer- "Wish you were dead"

05.26.02 Pink Triangle

You never know what the night will bring. Originally I was ‘supposed’ to have met Mckenzie (finally) but as per usual she cancelled the plans. My back up plan had to go into effect. Ngoc, Iris and Christina would come over to my Adam-less pad. I had already bought a bottle of Absolut Citron, we’d drink, ‘smoke’ and head off to Ain’t Nobody’s Biz, a lesbian bar. At 10:30pm, that’s where I found myself. Amidst the throngs of lesbians (butch & lipstick), baby dikes, gay men and a few straight people. A fish out of water, as if meeting women in STRAIGHT bars wasn’t hard enough. I swear, it was stepping into a ‘70’s Disco, pink triangles, rainbow flags, men with men, women with women, Cher pumping through the speakers. I was waiting for the discoball to drop and the Village people singing ‘YMCA’. Only three girls caught my eye, one of them had it going on. Heretofore known as ‘cowgirl’ she was a tall, thin, brian molko lookalike, brunette hottie with a cowboy hat. Judging by her dance moves, she was the shit and she fucking knew it! Her table was next to ours and seeing her make out with her hot friend was everything I could’ve hope for since I wasn’t going to get any of that action. There was a hot redhead and a cute blonde grinding with some of the scary dykes. Lucky bitches!
Ngoc fared fairly well, a cute girl came up to her! They started dancing and grinding in the dance floor. It was sexy-nasty. That girl wanted to get with her badly, even though we encourage her ‘experimentation’. She didn’t for reasons known only to her high and drunken mind. We left at beer o’clock and went back to my place. Philosophyzing till 2am before Ngoc and Iris went back to the ‘westside’ and Christina returned to N. Scottsdale. Strange serendipity on a Saturday night.

Song of the day: Lords of Acid- "Pussy"

05.24.02 decisions, decisions

Nothing says ‘happy graduation little sister’ like spending three hours sitting on aluminum bleachers on a hot night. I still have bleacher-lines on my ass. I was supposed to be studying for my EDU 272 final the next day. I was not about to miss her graduation from our beloved alma mater Arcadia High. I had already been playing taxi driver to my grandparents when I wasn’t at work. No studying done and it was already 10pm when the ceremony ended. I had two choices, 1) stay home and study or 2) go clubbin’. I can tell you I didn’t go to bed till 2am but it wasn’t from studying.

Song of the day: Alice Cooper- "School’s Out"

05.22.02 "life of vice"

I wish I had the ability to create beauty at the stroke of a pen, or watch my fingertips fall like hard rain on the keyboard creating letters into sentences into paragraphs as if exorcising the word-demons from my head. sigh
You can be my friend. You can be my doll.
You can be my life. You can be my fall.
Please?

Song of the day: Soft Cell- "Sex Dwarf"

05.19.02 "All we had were words"

Last night was hellacool. I went to the work party in north scottsdale, doing the usual chitchatting and trying not to sweat too much in my kenneth cole outfit. I talked to my coworkers christina and elsa.
At nine, the cool people went club hopping in downtown scottsdale. The first stop was 6, very Miami Vice. A guy there was actually wearing a white jacket with a turquoise shirt. We had some drinks (appletinis for me), six drinks and an appetizer were $56, poor Larry (Elsa’s husband) footed the bill. Then the old people left, so it was just christina, her friend renate and myself. Had they been attractive and/or thin I would’ve looked like a pimp. After drinks it was a choice between Skanktuary or Axis/Radius. We picked the latter and later regretted our choice. Techno has never been my thing, let alone ‘preppy-techno’. That place can’t even make a decent Tom Collins. That was a waste of a $10 cover, it was already past midnight by the time we got to Anderson’s 5th Estate for their 80’s night. At least that place had it going on, packed with people and pretty good music (I never thought I find myself dancing to Cindy Lauper’s "she bop"). I ran into Robden again, third time in as many nights (thurs, cranes, sat). I guess we run in the same ‘scene’ he introduced me to his g/f. We stayed till 1am and tried looking for an afterhours place but everything was too full. We drove to pick up my car and smoked out there till about 2:15am. What a night, best birthday I can remember.

Song of the day: Depeche Mode- "Enjoy the Silence"(dance mix)

05.18.02 "The shine of the Ever"

Last night’s Cranes concert was great. The Big Fish Pub is a fucking dive but the Cranes, actually Allison Shaw filled that place with serene elegance. The neo-jazzy, eclectic/ethereal sounds of the band made the night come alive. Oh and the second encore ‘jewel’ was the highlight of the evening.
Man depression always hits around my birthday. I’ve yet learned to age gracefully. I feel as if I need emotional rescue. Things are not turning out the way I planned. Once upon a time I felt as if I knew where the wild things came from. But that was before it all happened and my eyes got bigger than my heart and i started seeing reality for what it was. After that everything was a bit darker, and there were more jagged lines. I still dream of walking into that place and shuddering next to the calm pool of water where my childhood plays. Time goes by too fast, the next thing you know, you’re staring at 27 like a bullet from the gun of time.

Song of the day: Dirty Vegas- "Days go by"

05.14.02 marathon excuses

For mother’s day, my siblings and I went to lunch at the Cheesecake Factory. Later it was off to the hated ‘westside’ to see the Dave Matthews Band. It took me 45min to get there and find a parking spot. The air burned my face as I stood in line to get frisked before going in. The horrible Govt Mule opened the show, they sounded and looked like a Lynard Skynard rip-off. DMB took the stage playing and it became bliss. He finally played my favorite song ‘the stone’-that really made my show. Tripping Billies was also a highlight, Boyd just tore into the solo. It was a great show, the best I can remember *shrugs head about ‘99* well worth the quarter tank of gas. However, I don’t think my instructor will accept those reasons as excuses of why I failed my test.

Song of the day: Belly- "Super-Connected"

05.11.02 Sad Sat.Night Studying

One hectic fucking day is ending, I’ve honestly tried to study. Honestly. Yet it’s 10pm on a Saturday night and I’m sitting here writing this instead of reading my fabulous ‘Brain Based Learning’ book for EDU 270. Let alone clubbin' or drinking.
I’ve (once again) had to play taxi-driver to my sister’s prom needs all day (bank stop, flower-shop, hair appointment, make-up session) then pick up my brother at the airport. I didn’t study last night because I went out to my friend’s Master’s Degree celebration. Tomorrow I have the DMB show.
I’m going to fail Monday’s midterm-and you all will be to blame. I hope you're happy about that.

Song of the day: Eminem- "Without Me"

05.09.02"people they come together…"

It’s been four years since I graduated from ASU. Where has the time gone? Or at least, where has the fun gone? I figured there would be nothing but good times after college. Turns out the greener grass is full of nothing but weeds. Now days I work and when I study, I just BS my homework. I feel my brain melting. It’s sad when you pray for illness to get out of responsibilities.

Which Jhonen Vaquez character are you? By EmReznor.
I wanted to be johnny the homicidal maniac!

Song of the day: Moby- "We Are All Made of Stars"

05.07.02 "Goddamn this noise inside my head"

I need something I’m not quite sure of: A catalyst, a woman, a fucking something. I'm tired of sitting around all day with only my musings for company. We've been getting into a lot of arguments lately.
I wish we had a beach near by, I need to look at a large body of water and see the curvature of the earth as I eat breakfast. Oh what I wouldn’t give to be driving a convertible on the PCH through the Malibu hills. Right now.

Sincerely yours,
The Fresh Prince of Mill Ave

Song of the day: Grandaddy- "Wonder Why in L.A."

05.04.02 Drinko de Mayo

Whenever Adam and I go clubbin', we always get in trouble. Too much damn drinking involved. Thursday night we headed to the usual spot he wanted (or so he said) to be home by midnight. We didn’t get home till 1:30. It was fun, we ran into some people we knew from way back in high school. Since Panic didn’t happen, I mostly stayed in Area 51. More dancing than I'm used to doing.
Last night it was off to Club Freedom. The hookah/free-tab thing was happening, though this time I had to pay for my cover-ten fucking dollars (that’s WITH a discount card). So I made that mofo tab-me some drinks. I left around midnight to go back to my studies. Of course, tonight there's another dilemma of partying vs studying. There are Cinco de Mayo celebrations everywhere. Like St. Patrick’s day, it’s just another excuse to go drinking. Cheers.

Song of the day: Sonic Youth- "Teen Age Riot"

05.01.02 "purple is a fruit"

I have a bad case of the Mondays. Except it’s not Monday. I’m irritable and tired, if I was a chick I’d blame PMS. Sometimes, I go in with the belief that it’s the start of the week. Let try to make it a good one. Well that hasn’t happened. I’m feeling my brain shutting off piece by piece. My mind wonders from thought to thought. Right now it ponders ‘Grape’ soda, this is not what grape tastes like. This tastes like purple.
Of course, there’s always knowledge that every second of every day, someone, somewhere is having sex. Sadly, I have not contributed to that statistic is years.

Song of the day: The Cardigans- "My Favourite Game"

04.26.02 Death of a Deity

This morning I went up-north, where I am respected, appreciated and dare I say even "loved". It’s a tangible feeling of Welcome. I miss that like you would not imagine. Up there I’m the shit, down-south I’m just another motherfucker. Oh well, I rather talk about last night, I headed up to Panic!/Area 51, I had to venture by myself because Mr Lane was busy cleaning house. It seems the landlord is looking to sell the house, again. I’ll believe it when I see it.
Anyway while I was there, I decided take the ‘advice’ of my so called friends and talk to GothGoddess. Robden and I had been talking earlier, and he was kind enough to introduce us. I even shook her soft warm hand. It turns out, her name is Krissy and she has a 6mo old baby. Oh great, the fantasy is now forever tainted. The dream is dead. Damn!

Song of the day: Iggy Pop- "Lust for Life"

04.24.02 Scottsdale Brat

I’ve had a horribly long day. I had a work, then a meeting at 3pm. At five I picked up my sister at the Phoenix Zoo. Ate at KFC (not exactly finger lickin’ good) then rush to FedEx to pick up some the DMB tix for my brother before they closed at 6:30. I need some of Adam’s Metabo-crack. I’m tired and pissed and in desperate need of a shower. It's amazing how much you can stuff into not having a life.
Although I did get Nikki to will me her precious Eyeliner collection. Just as she says, I’m "such a brat", although it takes a certain amount of maturity to admit I'm being a brat.

Song of the day: Siouxie & The Banshees- "The Passenger"

04.20.02 Double Debauchery

If you have ever fallen asleep with a gallon of water next to your bed, you know how I feel.
Night number two of the Indianola Boys Debauchery Tour 2002 was held at Club Freedom’s Kind Fridays. Free cover, free bar tab, and a hot waitress grinding up on you. How could we possibly say "no"?
Adam was manning the Hooka pipes as I helped. The Skyy Vodka girls were passing out glowing shotglasses and flashlights. The Heineken Beer people passed flashing pins. Around midnight we were joined by Fuzzy and Amos, I guess that’s when the real bender began. I can’t even remember how many drinks I had. Let’s just say I’m glad that place has afterhours because I could not have driven home in the condition I was in at 1am. Around 2:15, I had (somewhat) sobered up, I went home. Woke up dehydrated as a mofo.
Later I had the unenviable task of taking my sister shopping for prom shoes. Afterall, it’s not like the 20+ pairs she has are good enough. On my way out I decided to stop by the Spencer’s gifts, they were having a half-off sale on those lightning-glass thingies. I bought a pink and blue double mushroom statue to decorate my room. Soon to be seen on MTV Cribs.
Ohh I got a new bottle of Rugrats Complete vitamins. Everything is good with the world again. I like the ‘angela’ pills…MMM purple.

Song of the day: Juno Reactor- "God Is God"

04.19.02 Yeah, I know.

I dragged Adam out to Anderson’s last night. They were giving away John Spencer Blues Project plastic fangs. We were drinking and smoking and generally just bullshitting while waiting for our perspective goddesses’ to arrive. Adam was pounding the drinks while I ventured back and forth between Brit-pop and Industrial Goth. I got my groove on to Depeche Mode, James Brown, and Radiohead. We drank some more and played pool till I saw her. You know I think she does this on purpose. Goth-goddess has been showing up later these days. Not nearly dancing as much either. Although she always seems to dance to ‘Your Woman’ by White Town. Reminding me of what I already know. "Well I guess what you say is true, I could never be the right kind of girl for you, I could never be your woman." Damn.

Song of the day: White Town- "Your Woman"

04.15.02 Where’s Crockett & Tubbs?

That’s it! I’m adding Qwest to my shit-list. I went over my cell minutes and those bastards charged me 40¢ a minute. I had to pay $36 extra fucking dollars. Goddamn them!
Did I mention I hate Mondays? I mean, it’s bad enough that it’s the start of the week. I also have my classes and if I don’t get my punk ass in gear, I’m going to fail one of them. I have six lessons to finish before a final one week from today.
On the plus side, I had a cool dream last night, I was in South Florida (I could tell from the Miami Vice scenery). I watching a Jai Alai tournament, watching players get pummeled with that rock hard ball. Cheering for more stinging welts! It was quite fun.
Oh yeah, taking a hint from Nikki's page, i decided to find out my 80's icon.
(drumroll please...)

Who's Your 80s Movie Icon Alter-Ego? Find out @ She's Crafty

Song of the day: Glenn Fry- "You Belong to the City"

04.13.02...best laid plans

Long boring Saturday coming to an end. Friday was cake, I was hung over so I showed up to work at 11am and left at 3. The previous night I had hung out with Notah in the Goth side at Anderson’s. Venturing back and forth to the Brit-pop side and winning the new Fine China CD.
Then I found out my "date" with McKenzie at the Hard Rock Cafe fell-through (rejected even BEFORE meeting, that’s a new one). Those had been my damn plans for the evening.
I guess, this will be a Blockbuster night.

Song of the day: Transister- "Look Who's Perfect Now"

04.10.02 Vicodin Ice Cream

Well another day is over, along with my patience, which drifts away till I have none to give to anyone or anything. No one shall be spared my incurable WRATH! Those reports still have me chained to my desk, I take my lunch (bag of chips and room-temp Dr.Pepper) sitting in my desk. I suppose I would get more work done if I stopped bitching about how much work I have to do. Maybe.
Till next time, this is Lord A reminding you to:
Do it with sarcasm: they’ll love ya for it!

Song of the day: The Clash- "Should I stay or Should I go?"

04.08.02 Bad Monday

These are the days I really hate my job. First I had to monitor Stan-9 testing at one of our elementary schools. A bunch of snot-nosed, pop-cycle stained little brats. Afterwards I was off to my mountain of work. I still have five reports due this friday. (By the way, I’ve had enough "don’t go clubbing" suggestions. I’m not taking it-for as you know, I LIVE for Thursday nights.)
Then I had lovely class.
But WAIT-there’s more!
seems silly me didn't get any notification of the midterm. It wasn’t even in class, but fucking Paradise Valley.
Fighting rush-hour traffic on the 101, to take a test that I didn't study for. I bullshitted my way through all of the essay questions and half of the multiple choice.
Yeah, a new low for a Monday.

Song of the day: Human League- "Don’t you Want Me?"

04.07.02 Permanent vacation

Ok, for some reason I woke up WAY too early this sunday. My eyes saw the glimmer of sunlight around 7:30. It's awful-because i can never fall back asleep. =(
I hate how the body gets used to waking up early. What I don't get is why it only happens on the weekends. You can't drag me out of be Mon-Fri. Oh well, I suppose I should get some work or studying done. I cannot stand the though of doing work outside the office. I'm getting so sick of this shit. I really need to find one of those trees that grow money.

Song of the day: Jay Gordon- "Slept So Long"

04.04.02 Cox-suckers

you know what sucks? life without cable. i was supposed to have my cable fixed between 10 and noon, today. It's still not on goddammit! They better fix it I don't want to wait for the next available representative. They kept me from watching the MTV special on Goth Sex!
you know what else sucks? working.
Especially now since I have a stack of reports to do in a week. ARRRRGH!
Must
win
lottery.
At least it’s Thursday. you know what that means? going clubbing! I've had goth-girl withdrawl. Sexy goth-goddesses will shake their money makers for me tonight.

Song of the day: Kidneytheives- "Before I die"

04.03.02 un-proud slacker

I’ve been slacking. I hate being so bogged down with work and school that it prevents my creative juices from flowing. The stupid conference I was attending is finally over. Not before the boss-lady started dishing out assignments like there was no tomorrow. Actually there is, five reports by April 12th. Shit. I was hoping she’d say "April Fool's" but alas, this was not the case =(
well, my imaginary friends are calling, i suppose i should get to work.

Song of the day: Folk Implosion- "Natural One"

03.30.02 the warning signs

Oh man, I am finally feeling normal. The mother of all hangovers has passed. I can’t believe I partied till 5:00am. That is BAD! Straight up, I am going to chill on the Thursday night alcohol intake. I HAVE to, every week has been getting worse and worse.
I think I got my warning when I heard about christina getting pulled over. Luckily she had sobered up and it was only for speeding (though criminal at that). Of course, seeing the expectacular parking job I had done the night before is another reminder that I need to watch myself.

Song of the day: Tricky- "Excess"

03.27.02 "into the secret wind"

As I drove to work this morning, I noticed something different. The clouds looked as if painted on the sky. Perhaps it was the lack of sleep, which added to the surrealness of it. I was transfixed, maybe even smiling. Of course, that dreamy feeling wouldn’t last all day. It was freeze-framed in my mind as I arrived for my evaluation with the boss lady. I had forgotten Purple streaks in my hair.
Then I got my bank statement today. Damn, it came in a big envelope. That's never a good sign. Tomorrow is going to be a hellishly long day. First work, then school 4-6, then the festival from 6-8. Then clubbing till the catholics go home. It's good friday after all, and that means no work-you damn dirty sinners.

Song of the day: Paul McCartney- "Vanilla Sky"

03.22.02 "get on the scene…"

Fun always comes with a price. In this case, it’s the pounding headache that torments my cranium like soldiers on a battlefield. Last night of course, was Thursday, which means Panic! Night. My hair, choker and bracelet in spiked perfection, clove on hand, drink on the other. I had been doing the dollar drinks by myself till Adam’s monkey-ass got there.
While visiting the Area 51, I ran into my old friend Notah back from his six-month absence from the night life. Adam, Notah and I philosophized about life and music for a while before he went to talk to his ex. I met up with him and ‘the ex’ again on the dance floor during James Brown’s "Sex Machine." We know full-well that if you can’t get down with the godfather of soul, you just can’t get down. We shook our money-makers to Blur and Radiohead before giving him my number and saying goodnight.
Adam and I headed next door, the goth-girls were in full effect. Major eye-candy for those of us without the testicular fortitude or liquid courage to talk to them. We stayed till the last song played and last Long Island iced-tea was pounded. Feeling a little more than tipsy, I took the Lafayette back roads to get home. Adam and I philosophized back at our place till 3am. Special thanks go to Adam and Notah for making it a special evening. Oh yeah, and Robden for the Super Furry Animals CD.

Song of the day: Unwritten Law- "Seein’ Red"

03.19.02 I don't like her either!

It’s the mercurial nature of my fate. It’s fickleness prevents me from enjoying even simple moments of pleasure. For example, I was supposed to be in Philadelphia this week. The whole week, PAID! Of course, budget cuts and bad luck have me sitting here now. Which, much like everything else in my life, can be blamed on destiny's hatred of me.

Song of the day: Bruce Springsteen- "Streets of Philadelphia"

03.17.02 the dark-side of Visa

The goal was simple: Don’t spend money. I failed it miserably. I had my haircut appointment, it just happened to be located next to a guitar shop. After the hair cut ($22) hair products ($11.44 & $12.50) I walked next door. Came out with a Fender electric/acoustic ($429), a case ($65), strings ($4.25) and some picks ($2.79) and tax for a grand total of $545.75. Dillard’s is also having their end of the season sales-pissed away another fifty bucks there. DAMMIT!!!
Today is Billy PATRICK Corgan’s Birthday. It’s also St. Patrick’s day, some people I know are going drinking tonight. Alas, I have work tomorrow so I can’t get too Irish. If you know what I mean.

Song of the day: Pink Floyd- "Money"

03.14.02 How do you sleep @ night?

I had my lovely meeting last night. I suppose it could've been worse, but when they say 6 to 9pm-they mean six to nine! In better news my weekend is here! Woo Hoo! Yeah, it’s Thursday but I don’t have to work tomorrow. The goals this weekend are: to NOT spend money. Although I already sent a check for $80.00 to the Feds for my taxes (better than last year’s $500). And of course, sleeping. I sleep to dream about sleeping. Perhaps like McBain, "on a pile of money with many beautiful ladies."
Yeah, that would be the life.

Song of the day: Howard Jones- "Like to get to know you well"

03.11.02 "good day to burn a bridge"

My monday is half way over. More importantly, I have survived it. Today I had a dental appointment at 9am then a 3hr test. i passed both, but what a way to start off a week.
I hope you had a nice weekend. I spent WAY too much money, (like $350) once again. I really need to stop doing that.

Song of the day: 311- "Beautiful Disaster"

03.07.02 "Dans leurs yeux des dollars"

It’s been a very long week, even though I took Wednesday off. Going to "class" (if you can call it that) at that heap of southside ugliness, Coronado HS. Slacking on my taxes. Needing a new car. Spending my time avoiding reality. Video games and dvd’s taking up an inordinate amount of my time. There’s nothing wrong with that, I hope. All I need now is a high def television.
I don’t care how many babies I have to sell, I will have a digital tv. Oh yeah, and my female co-workers are trying to "raffle" me off to single women in the district. Fifty bucks a ticket too! I shit you not. Wanna buy a ticket?

Song of the day: Air- "Sexy Boy"

03.06.02 Misadventure under the stars

Sometimes you seek adventure, sometimes adventure seeks you. Knocking on your bedroom door asking if a road trip half way to Flagstaff is on your plans. Mistake One. So last night Adam gets an opportunity for a free car. The catch? It’s stuck at Camp Verde, 70 miles from the city. The plan is simple, find the car, meet the tow-truck, head home. He doesn’t want to go alone and begs me to go, and out of the kindness of my heart, I do it. Mistake Two.
We do 90 out of Phoenix on the I-17. Passing truckers with smoking breaks and troopers with flashing lights. We bullshit along the way and cell-phone friends and AAA. An hour and fifteen later, we spot the place and pull over. Guess what? There was NO FUCKING CAR!!!
It wasn’t impounded, it wasn’t towed, it wasn’t there. I knew this shit was going to happen. A total and complete waste of time, my sacred sleep time. Mistake Three. We got back home at 2am, pissed and tired, but with plenty of stories to tell.

Song of the day: Sneaker Pimps- "Low Five"

03.03.02 "Deluge in a paper cup"

Drama, it seems to come in doses. Certainly, more than I can take these days. Especially in the when it comes in the form of 2am phone calls. As if I didn’t have other things to do. You know, like SLEEP!
Goddamn confused lesbians
Knowing my current ‘state’, don’t fucking tell me how much fucking you are doing! I finally had to tell her monkey-ass off. If I’m not there for the good times, don’t expect me to be there for the bad.
Enough said, goodnight.

Song of the day: Crowded House- "Don’t dream it’s over"

02.25.02 "Gonna kick tomorrow…"

Boring but interesting, a truly eye-opening weekend. To share or not to share, that is the question. Nope, I’m too selfish to share. But anyway, I ran errands all day. Had a screwdriver for lunch. It was a productive Monday, not that a lot was accomplished at work. Then again, that has never been the standard by which I judge days.

Song of the day: Jane’s Addiction- "Jane Says"

02.22.02 waiting for the night

I can’t believe I had to work President’s Day, it’s been a long week. My classes will soon begin which will put an end to some of my crepuscular activities. I’m really not fond of that idea. One can only appreciate the night-time. Day is so controlled and measured, like clockwork. The night, meanwhile, is free of restraints, open to whatever debaucheries you desire and can afford.
So check-off your ‘To Do List’ on a slate of deadly sins.
It’s Friday and it’s payday.

Song of the day: Dandy Warhols- "Not if you were the last junkie on earth"

02.20.02 "which of us is blind?"

I’ve been restless. The drama I hear from everyone is getting to me. It’s not envy either, it really *is* wearing thin on me. There’s only so much I can take before I say "I can’t hear any more of this." I have my own issues to deal with.
Those not part of the solution, are just part of the problem.

Song of the day: Veruca Salt- "Number One Blind"

02.14.02 "Vampire or Victim"

"I know someday you’ll have a beautiful life, I know you’ll be a star, in somebody else’s sky"
Lost in the seas of disbelief and faded hope. Leaving me feeling emptier than my bed on a weekend night. Becoming an abandoned cobweb of memories. Memories and illusions that I want torn from my mind and heart. Collect and douse them all with gasoline. One last look before I strike the match. Think about the Valentine Days that will never be. The scented letters, phone calls and whispers I will never receive. Yet it all seems perfectly natural. I’m going to die alone. There are times when looking inside for answers makes you regret the questions.

Song of the day: Pearl Jam- "Black"

02.13.02 Still haven't learned

Everyone has a story that takes place in 2nd grade. I don’t know why, but it’s true. Something about being seven years old leads to interesting circumstances. Especially when you start noticing the opposite sex. I’m no different, I was attending a non-religious, co-ed, private school. I remember having a crush on this girl Erica, she was cute and had braces. Braces seem strangely attractive to me back then. For Valentine’s Day I sent her a note reading: "Do you love me YES or NO" along with 25¢ gumball jewelry taped to a cardboard heart. She replied "No" but kept the jewelry.
Women. I should’ve learned my lesson then.
Now tell me your story.

Song of the day: Marcy’s Playground - "Coming Up from Behind"

02.12.02 "eat,drink & be merry"

It’s Mardi Gras, the day set aside by flashing women and drunken college students to party their ass off. I’m still envious my brother got to go last year. I hate being hindered by ‘responsibility’. According to Catholic myth you party before you give up something for 40 days. If I were them, I’d give up being Catholic.

Song of the day: Stereophonics- "Mr. Writer"

02.10.02 shadows weigh a ton

T’was an interesting Saturday, I went to the ghetto Zia and bought some CD’s. I got an email from someone I used to know in high school. The usual drama calls from my ‘confused’ friend. I swear, if and when I ever get married, my wife WILL NOT have a ‘best friend.’ I capped the windy night by going with my roomate to that prime example of a white-trash dive, Ligouri’s. We were supposed to head to an underage party afterwards but it didn’t pan out. It was back to the pad to philosophize till 2am. This was until we realized we are the only people we knew who aren’t getting any. We were too depressed to talk after that.

Song of the day: Phantom Planet- "California"

02.05.02 "...answered with a question mark"

I’m am, as always, on a journey of self-discovery and awareness. Trying to realize that life is short and that I need to value every moment. Easier said than done of course, as I try focus on the only thing I have the ‘here and now.’ It’s too simple to get lost in memories of better times gone by or dreams of the future. All while forgetting the present. The philosopher granade-tosser in me is not necessarily speaking the gospel. Just my attempt at some mantra to help me deal with my current personal issues.

Song of the day: Duran Duran- "The Reflex"

02.02.02 "Let the man go through"

Anniversaries-they aren’t always the loving memories of years gone by. They can be the harsh reminders of big mistakes and bad decisions. As it was two years ago today-I don’t even know why I keep track of things like that.
It’s been cold the last few days. There are actual snow-capped mountains within sight in this desert land. I am currently in the process of calculating how many girls told me "Not until Hell freezes over" which brings me back to 'reality.' I miss the simple things. The one’s I’ve taken for granted because they were so simple, like dining with a friend and just talking.
Last night the Roxstar and I hung out for the first time in months. It was nice to catch up on her current state of being over mai-tai’s and sample platters at Black Angus. Thanks for listening Roxy.

Song of the day: Soul Coughing- "Super Bon Bon"

01.29.02 "ride the spiral to the end"

Don’t you hate it when a perfectly good night of TV watching is ruined by the State of Union Address? Well, I do, of course lately I’ve been in a downward spiral. I don’t reply to email and I don’t use AIM. I’m just not in a sociable state. At least they still like me ‘Up-North’ (where it counts) I even had lunch with my friend Karen at Goldie’s Sports Cafe today. Sadly enough, not even Vodka/Lemonade could bring a smile to my face.

Song of the day: Custom- "Hey Mister"

01.25.02 "Aqua sea-foam shame"

One of the great benefits of having a three day weekend, is the following four-day week. The plan was simple, work up north and skip the office. After which I’d make my way to the TPC of Scottsdale to watch the last rounds of the Phoenix Open. Then party like a rockstar at the Bird’s Nest. However, that didn’t happen as I was called back to the office for a meeting. Life just isn’t fair.

Song of the day: Violent Femmes- "Add it Up"

01.22.02 "Dance in the risk of each other"

In the desert, the landscape becomes a part of you, I’ve been comparing myself to a cactus lately. A silent, survivor of desert harshness protected from touch by thorns of untrusting jadedness. I wonder why I put myself through these situations, the thinly veiled attempt at fighting loneliness - inevitably leads to more loneliness. Hope fades as reality sets in.
Lost in the city, somewhere in the night-like a PJ Harvey song. The armaggedon has been unleashed and you or at least your memory has gone to heaven. Always in my heaven, the one that makes our dreams unveiled, forever. Or is it ‘never’? ‘We’ and ‘Ours’ are no longer fitting. There is you and there is me, there is no ‘Us’. I don’t suppose there ever really was, but for a while, it was nice to pretend.

Song of the day:Mondo ‘77- "Looper"

01.20.02 "…strange, faded sigh"

The packed Bash on Ash was the sight for last night’s Concrete Blonde’s reunion show. The line outside snaked around the parking lot when Jeremiah and myself got there. After getting the football playoff game rudely taken off the TV and watching a horrendous opening act, the headliners took the stage. Drunken agoraphobic blondes, chatty brunettes and a couch near the men’s room were part of our vantage viewpoint. Rocking out and playing a surprinsingly tight show for a band that disbanded 8yrs ago. Concrete Blonde certainly defied my expectations.
When I got home, Adam and Fuzzy were watching TV. The Time/Life 80’s infomercial transfixed us in nostalgia as we heard songs from our childhood. While we pondered ordering this "fabulous collection of our favorite songs" channel 3 was showing Pump Up the volume. I can’t believe that movie is 11yrs old, it’s the flick that started my penchant for writing. The story of a lonely Arizona boy (sound familiar?) tired of cookie-cutter clones who finds a way to express himself, btw where’s my Samantha Mathis? I guess God is, *indeed*, a bullet-may he have mercy on us, everyone.
Talk Hard!

Song of the day: Leonard Cohen- "Everybody Knows"

01.17.02 Ghosts of teenage past

Do you ever think about your ex’s?
It seems most people do. Not necessarily about how they are, but to wonder if they are thinking about us. It’s the sad nature of being human. We walk in a bubble of arrogance thinking we are the center of attention. It’s like Christina Ricci said in the winter edition of BlackBook Magazine (btw yes I bought the mag because she was on the cover.) She stated we have some sort of ‘teenage audience’ following us around judging our every move and decision. I wholeheartedly agree, we think people are secretly looking at us or even more, thinking about us. Memories are treacherous, like an old lover you try not to think about. The harder you try the more you end up doing so.

Song of the day: Peter Murphy- "Cuts you Up"

01.13.02 heart like a landfill

It seems as though I'm everyone's favorite counselor these days. My friend is reaching her nadir. Other friends are asking me about their relationships. ME?!? Relationships!? How desperate are they? I haven't had a date in years (plural!). i take your pictures in my eyes, armaggedon has been unleashed and you have gone to heaven. The one that makes our dreams unvieled forever. Everyone has their own apocalypse, their own 'worst case' scenario. As trite as that may sound, it’s never a cliché when it happens to you.

Song of the day: The Beautiful South- "Straight in at 37"

01.09.02 manic-depressive choir

It’s my mom’s birthday today, three years shy of the big five-oh. My saintly mother has taught me many things. Among them how cross the street, smile and get along with others. Even so, trying to walk the straight and narrow path is a difficult thing to do. These days, even trying to live a normal life can be hard. However, it’s very unattractive to see someone (or be seen) in the ‘Self Help’ section. Avoid it whenever possible. Ok?

Song of the day: Skid Row- "Quicksand Jesus"

01.07.02 Gathering Storm

In the small scheme of things, there a few things worse than an alarm blaring you awake on Monday morning. Everything is returning to normal. I had my first full day of work today. Of course, all things being relative, my life is cake compared to some of my friend's lives.
Which reminds me, don't tip-toe through the calm storm clouds of the Id for too long. The eye may be the safest place to rest but there is always everything surrounding. Eventually you'll have to brace yourself against it and trudge on.

Song of the day: ~~Godspeed you Black Emperor!~~ -
"World Police and Friendly Fire [07:22 - 17:10]"

01.03.02 "devil over for tea"

Not only did I have to get up at the god-forsaken hour of 6am to go to work. But morning greeted me with wisdom-tooth aches. I will eventually need to have them pulled. No dentist can help, I need an oral surgeon. The idea of someone prodding and poking my mouth with sharp objects does not appeal to me. Neither does working for the next three hours, so I think I'll leave early and call in sick tomorrow.

Song of the day: New Order- "60 miles an hour"

01.01.02 wise fish

2002 is here. No depression inducing resolutions for me, no sir. My New Year's Eve was pretty uneventful. As are all my year end activities, dateless and solemn enough to remind me of the time I was lonely. (Hey, wait a minute that was yesterday!) Of the times I sat in a darkened room staring at goldfish. Watching their hypnotic dance-like movements in fluorescent water. Sleeping with their eyes open, and having three-second memory span. What a way to live, constantly in the moment.
Perhaps that is what I should resolve. To simply live in the moment.

Song of the day: Ozzy Osbourne- "Dreamer"

relapse
[journal 2003]

rehab
[read the past]

return
[grandma take me home]

reach
[write here, right now]

release
[Bruvel]